Old Feelings: Chapter Five

Warning: 18+ readers only; this blog is dark and full of terrors!

Acacia

Why am I fighting this?

I open my eyes, only to see him looking so deeply at my face it makes my chest hurt.  My heart shakes as his hands move into my hair, sending shivers all through my body.  Why am I fighting this?

  "You don't know what you're saying," I say.  "You don't want me, this."

"Who says?"

"You...don't even like guys."

"No, I like you."

Before I can speak my protests, he kisses me.  It's completely unlike last time; no awkwardness, or as much surprise.  He holds me tight and my hands find their way to his waist and I grip at his t-shirt.  I feel his lips move and I seem to completely melt into him.  I've never kissed anyone like this before, so full of heat and intention.  My skin starts to tingle as he draws me in, captivating me, kissing me deeper and deeper.  A hotness spreads over my whole body, his hands still in my hair.  All the pent up anger and upset evaporates into nothingness.  As long as Nova holds me like this, kisses me like this, everything is pure and undamaged.

This time, I don't try to run when I eventually pull away from him.  He looks down at me, that anxious look developing on his face again but I smile and his face warms.

"Do you want to go for a walk?"  he asks gently as if any words might break the spell between us.

But thinking of the dark makes me panic.  "Um..." I step back from him, but he grabs my hands.

"Cass... come on," he says, pleading.  "How long has it been since we just... walked around?"

I bite down on my bottom lip.  "It'll be dark soon..."

"It's okay, I'll be with you."  He shakes my hands gently.  "Come on."

I can't help but smile.  "Fine... let me get my shoes, at least."

We walk all around the rural areas, remembering past times we went to certain places and certain things happened.  I'd never felt so warm and at home than when I was with him and nothing has changed.  Even as it starts to get dark, he takes me through town and leads me down to the river.  

As we cross over the bridge, Nova grabs my hand and I stop, looking up at him in surprise.  He holds our hands up, slipping his fingers between mine.

"Wow," he says.

"What?"

"This doesn't feel the slightest bit weird, does it?"

I look at our joined hands and intertwining fingers, feeling the comfortable warmth of his skin and his words and his voice.  "How long have you felt like this, Nova?"

We're still standing in the middle of the bridge, hearing only the torrents passing gently underneath us.  The night isn't cold and the air is still.  The sun is setting in the distance and it feels like an even more perfect moment than our kiss.  I soak in it, in the silent park around us and the darkening trees.

"What do you mean?"

"Like... why did you kiss me?"

"You mean like two hours ago?"  I can hear a smile in his voice.

"No," I sigh.  "Before."

He pulls my hand to face over the railing, looking over towards the sunset.  "Because I needed to.  Just like earlier tonight.  I just needed to."

The colours of the sky reflect off his face.

"I just wish I'd done it properly the first time."

I laugh.  "Does it matter now?"

"It does.  I made many stupid decisions after you left."  He looks troubled.  "I could have done with you being around to stop me."

"What do you mean?"

"Like all the girls I went out with..." He pauses.  "And when I decided not to deck Gary after I heard him talking about you.  He may as well have admitted it right there with what he was saying but I was too dumb to realise."

"You didn't know."

"I should have, though.  I should have known."

"And what use would punching him have been?"  I release my hand from his and place it on his shoulder.  "It wouldn't have changed anything."

"You're right," he says, turning his head to look at me.  "But he deserves it."

I force a smile.  "Maybe.  But it's not your job to delegate that."

Nova laughs.  "God, you're so mellow.  What happened?  You were tense as hell yesterday."

Nova

Seeing his face burn red makes me want to kiss him again.  So I do, only this time, I pull his body against mine by his waist and he puts his arms around my neck.

I think about how long I've wanted to do this for, to kiss him properly, like he deserves to be kissed, until our lips hurt and we can no longer contain ourselves in our breathlessness, until it's so dark out that the bats fly past us and rustle in the black trees and I kind of wish we were closer to a bed.  This feels so much better than travelling back in time.

The moment is cut short.

"Well, isn't this romantic."

I look up and see a shadow on the entrance of the bridge.  I immediately grab Cass and move him behind me.  As the shadow moves closer and I realise why the voice is familiar, I feel Cass grab the back of my jacket and whisper "Don't."

"I wouldn't come any closer to me if I were you," I hear myself growl.

"Why so threatening, November?  I'm just taking a stroll --"

"You fucking know why so you should turn around and run away before I tear you to shreds."

He laughs.  "I have no idea what you could possibly mean."

"Gary, I swear to god."

"Oh, do you mean my little tumble with Acacia?"

Hearing Cass's name on his lips makes my blood boil and my heart scream.

"Is he still reeling about that?  I must've been pretty good then, considering I'd never fucked a guy before."

Cass is caught off guard as I tear across the bridge and launch myself at Gary.  He doesn't have a chance to even try and escape me as I wrestle him to the ground.  I can hear Cass behind us, yelling for me to stop.  But I can't.  I just keep smashing my fist into Gary's face as he laughs back at me.  His hands come up, trying to hold my arm back but without success.  I keep punching him until he stops laughing or trying to fight back and Cass drags me away from him.

I manage to get a few kicks in before Gary rolls away coughing, and blood dripping into the mud.

"Count yourself very lucky Cass is here to save you," I yell before spitting at him.  "Because I would have killed you."  

Cass pulls be by the arm until we're nearly half way back to his house as if letting go would give me a chance to run back and finish the job I'd started.

"I can't believe that just happened." His voice is heavy.

"I can't believe he had the nerve to--"

"I'm talking about you!" He turns to look up at me, his face contorted in anger.  "I told you I didn't need you to look after me!"

"Um, and what if I hadn't been there?  You think he wouldn't attack you again?"

Cass closes his eyes, rubbing his fingers on his temples like he has a headache.  "I wouldn't have been there alone, would I?" The words fall through gritted teeth.  "What if he goes to the police?  You really messed his face up!"

"It could have been self-defense, given his record."

He goes quiet and starts walking again.  His steps are quick as if he's trying to get away from me.  He doesn't say anything again until we're standing at his door.

"I knew this was a bad idea..." 

My heart thumps hard.  "What part?"

"Everything. Coming back.  Letting you back in... It was a stupid mistake."  His arms are crossed, his gaze never falling on my face.  "I knew something like this would happen."

"How can you say all that?" I grab his arms.  "The punching incident aside, are you telling me you wish tonight never happened?"

Cass's eyes finally meet mine.  "Yes," he says quietly, unwavering.

It's like something breaks inside me like my dreams are becoming dust between my fingers.  I let go of him and, in silence, walk towards my car.  I get to the door and the weight of tonight comes down on me.  I'm so tired of fighting about this.

I turn back and watch Cass unlock his front door and walk inside.  He takes a final look at me before he closes it behind him.

I don't know how long I sit in my car for, gripping anxiously at the steering wheel, my hand still covered in Gary's now dry blood.  I watch the top light of his flat go off and look at the clock on the dashboard. 23:42.

I want to turn on the engine and drive away but  I feel that pull again, luring me back towards the flat.  I get out of the car, letting the magnetism dominate me, and ring the bell.  I keep pressing and pressing and pressing down on it, waiting for some kind of movement.  After the tenth ring, I think of giving up but then I hear the door unlocking.

"Nova, it's late, you should go home and sleep."

"I haven't stopped thinking about you for five years.  Five years, Cass.  And I've been stuck here, in this shitty town, seeing things that remind me of you every single day, things that make my heart hurt like it's being battered with a meat tenderiser.  And then you suddenly re-appear, and it's like you've given me back a piece of myself.  I'm aware that the five years haven't exactly been a picnic for you but goddamn... every day my heart has broken; a little bit here, a little bit there.  And finally, I was starting to feel like it might get put back together.  But you've just... Ripped it apart again with one word.  How can you say to me that...that you wish..."

I can't even finish my sentence.  His face looks like it's crumbling.

"Why do you keep coming back to me?  Haven't you realised that I will never be okay with...how I am?  Ever.  Even if I let you in now, I'll push you back out tomorrow, or the day after."

I sigh.  "And haven't you realised that I will never ever let you push me away?"

My name forms on his lips but I stop him.

"I love you so much, more than you will probably ever let me."  I pause, letting my words sink in for both of us.  "And you can tell me you don't love me if you like, but you'd be lying.  You can keep pushing me away but I'll keep coming to your door, begging for you to let me in.  So why not save yourself the hassle and just... Invite me inside?"

He doesn't say anything, just looks at me like he could either cry or hit me. As I think he's about to close the door in my face, he steps aside, opening the door wide enough for me to come in.  But still, he's silent.  It's only when I hesitate that he opens his mouth with a scowl.

"Well, are you gonna come in or not?"

It's not the most welcoming invite ever, but it's better than nothing.