REN
Fuck.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!
Theo gapes back at me, equally horrified, his lips slightly open and his eyes wide.
"Theo," Ichi says, breaking the spell that seems to have come over us both. "You remember Ren, right?"
"Vaguely," Theo mutters, his face quickly regaining its regular expression.
"Oh, my God!" Panda chimes suddenly. "We should go out!"
"We're already out," Theo says, completely monotone, turning his face away from me with relief as if any distraction at all is welcomed.
"But I mean out out, you know? It's been a long time since we've all been together like this."
"I can't," Nana says. He's appeared behind me again. "I'm visiting Maki after I finish."
"He can come too!"
"Bro, he's still got his fixture on."
Panda pouts and turns to Andrei. "How about you? Do you want to?"
"Always," Andrei says with a sly smile, flicking his eyes over to Theo who is now staring uncomfortably at his bottle of beer.
Ichi nudges me. "I'm game. You up for it?"
I turn to him, my stomach knotting at the thought of it. "Um... sure okay." Damn it.
Panda claps his hands. "Right, Dora. You're coming."
Theo looks fit to throw up. "I'm tired."
"Come on, Theo," Ichi says. "It'll be fun."
DORA
I don't know how well I'm masking the unbelievable amount of distress I'm feeling right now.
Shitting fucking shit. What kind of fresh hell is this?
When I'd met "Jacob" at that damn bar, I didn't think I ever had to see him again. I thought, Sure, I can totally do this. I can totally get drunk and pull a random guy. I was so fucking wrong it's not even funny.
I didn't want to come back. I wanted to stay in Osaka forever, even if it meant living at home and working for my parents. But I knew I had to because the flat is in my name and I didn't want to leave Nana in a world of shit.
And a week before I had to fly back, I was stressing it far worse than I thought was possible. I'd have to face Andrei. Nana had already informed me he'd been welcomed back into the group (thanks to Fox and her damn birthday) and I couldn't really argue without outing myself to everyone. So, I was dreading it even more than I might have been otherwise.
I decided to get drunk. I don't really know why I thought this would be a good idea, but since I rarely make the right decision, I downed a small bottle of sake and headed to an English pub nearby.
I'd been there a few times before in the last couple of years with Number One since his old university flatmate's parents owned it. I was already a bit tipsy when I arrived, but I didn't want to even be able to remember the night. Thinking back, it was stupid for many reasons; what if I'd been attacked? Or mugged? Or unable to get back home?
When I got there, I found a seat at the bar and immediately ordered Carling and a shot of vodka to pour into my pint.
"That's really unusual," said a voice beside me.
I turned to see where the words were coming from, feeling a rush from the vodka already. "It gets you drunk quick," is all I had said in reply before I poured the pint down my throat, ignoring the bloating in my stomach.
He laughed and told me to slow down. I only smirked without looking at him.
"It's more fun this way." I ordered two more and insisted he drink one. Looking at him felt strange. I felt like I'd seen him somewhere before, like when you watch a film and recognise an actor but can't think what you saw them in. I couldn't deny his good looks; he was tall and about Number One's age, with thick wavy hair curling at his ears, so dark it was almost black, and striking green eyes. It was rare for me to notice these things really, other than with Andrei, so it felt strange that I had noted them on this stranger.
He sipped at his pint. "I don't accept drinks from strangers."
I don't know what prompted me to do what I did next. Which was, introduce myself with a sort of fake name - Seo, which is what my parents call me - to get him to drink the Carling and vodka.
He told me his name was Jacob, and I again told him to drink, pushing the glass towards him after putting the vodka in it for him. I seemed to have completely lost control as well as my sense of self. Why was I doing this? I never spoke to strangers at bars, so why I was I doing it now? I watched him drink, and he flinched a little - probably at the bitter taste of the vodka - so I waved my hand as if to encourage him to drink it in one go as I'd done.
Once "Jacob" placed the empty glass back on the bar, he told me had to catch a flight tomorrow. I wish he'd mentioned then where he was flying to, but I didn't think to ask. I wasn't really interested.
I drank more of my own pint and offered him a cigarette, watching his lips as I lit it for him. I felt my heart beating a little quicker as I did so, imagining what I could get his mouth to do since he seemed pretty up for doing whatever I told him to.
I was getting steadily drunker by this point, and any conversation is a blur. I felt like shit, and I wasn't doing a magnificent job of forgetting about Andrei at all, which is what I'd intended to do. I downed my drink and turned away and off my stool.
And then I asked him to take me home.
I don't know why I did it.
That's a lie. I do know. I wanted to do something Andrei would do. I wanted to prove to myself it's easy, or at least it should be. I was angry, and maybe if I did something like this, it would make me feel better or make me feel like I was getting back at him.
I was shocked when he actually followed me out and lead me down to his house. It was large, Japanese-style, not unlike my parents' home. "Jacob's" bedroom, or the room where he'd been sleeping, was on the bottom floor and it opened out into the garden. It was a roomy space. I watched it light up with a lamp, and I hoped he would turn it off before anything happened. He didn't.
I was surprised at how calm I felt. I wasn't panicking, or uneasy like I had been with Andrei.
He held me with care, almost like I was a precious or breakable thing. I didn't think it would be this simple or... pleasurable. As he did to me what Andrei had, I let myself enjoy it. I didn't want to push him off or hide my face or my body from him.
I thought he was going to do it. I was sure he would put it inside me. I would've let him, I guess because I would have allowed him to do anything to me. But he didn't.
I can feel my face go red now as I remember what he did do, how warm he'd felt between my legs, and how I didn't even try to stop myself crying out when I felt like I was going to explode. I can't look my brother in the eye as I think about the fact that his best friend has seen my come face, and heard the noises I make, and seen my naked body.
"Theo," Number One says again, elongating my name in the middle. "You coming?"
I wince at his choice of words. "I really don't want to."
"You know you want to come, just come!" Panda says, reaching for me over the table.
Will everyone stop saying the word "come"? For fuck's sake...
"Fine!" I cry out suddenly. "But let me have a cigarette first."
I quickly drink my beer and nearly run out the back door. Once outside, I fumble with my Marlboro packet, shakily lighting one with the same red zippo I'd used at the bar in Osaka. I inhale deeply, and a third of the cigarette disappears. Fuck...
"Seo, huh?"
I turn my head and lo and behold, Ren is standing about two metres away. I pull in another heavy drag.
I want to say "I don't know what you're talking about" or "Let's not talk about it" or something, anything, that might be coherent. But I can't. I can't even look at him properly.
"Jacob, huh?" I mumble.
Ren laughs. "Yeah. Middle name."
I don't know what he wants me to say, or do. What do people usually do in a situation like this?
"It never happened." My voice comes out dark and flat, and I don't look at him as I take my third and final puff. "Okay?"
Ren says nothing for a few seconds before exhaling. "Yeah."
I throw my spent cigarette to the side and walk swiftly past him and back inside.
Everyone at the table is rising and getting ready to leave. I lock eyes with Andrei, and he bites down on his lip nervously. This is going to be the most awkward night out imaginable.
I assume Panda will be dragging us to DancingQueens until we walk right past it and towards Netherworld, a goth club that he frequents with his university friends. Andrei and I both get asked for ID as the others saunter in, Panda strutting like he owns the place, as is standard for him. We're greeted by a mysterious smoky room, filled with dozens upon dozens of androgynous creatures, all heavily clad in PVC, chains and fishnet. Panda fits right in, and even Andrei looks more the part than any of the rest of us. They both head to the bar, the dark and loud music drowning out any indication of what they're actually ordering for us. Why did I agree to this?
The five of us find seats in a grim corner, and Panda gives us each a suspicious-looking drink. I bring it to my lips and sniff it warily.
"What the hell is this?" I exclaim. "It smells like paint stripper."
"Corpse Reviver!" Panda shouts. "Drink up!"
He and Andrei down theirs like it's apple juice, and I watch Number One and Ren glance at each other nervously before doing the same. I look at mine and sigh, following in everyone's footsteps, immediately regretting it. Panda quickly gets up to buy more drinks, and Andrei follows. I know why he doesn't want to be separated from him. Panda is the buffer. Without him, this would be a hundred times more awkward, especially given the fact Andrei jumped me in the toilets earlier, and I'm still not talking to him.
Panda returns a few awkward minutes later with more of the same, and I feel like I want to die already.
After doing away with their drinks, Panda drags Andrei up to dance, and I watch them, wishing I could go home and sleep, jealous that Nana had a Get Out of Hell Free card. I curse myself for not making more friends to use as excuses to ditch these ones.
I don't really know how much time passes. The two Corpse Revivers are having a strong effect, and with the loud music and dim lighting, it could either be ten minutes later or two hours. Ichi has disappeared with Panda, and Andrei is dragging Ren to the bar. I can't describe the feeling it gives me to watch Andrei moving so close to Ren as he leans into his ear.
REN
Why did I agree to this?
I watch Andrei flag down one of the barmen, leaning over the counter and flashing him a seductive smirk as he orders for us. This guy...
And then I'm reminded of him in the toilets with Theo.
Theo.
I glance towards the table, and Ichi and Panda have vanished. I watch Theo edge off the couch and walk his way towards the outdoor smoking area.
I don't know why I'm following him.
I step out, and there are so many people around I can't begin trying to find him. Theo's blonde hair should stick out among all this black, but as I glance over everyone, he's nowhere to be seen.
I give a brief description of him to a girl in a leather mini-dress who is by the door, and she politely directs me to the stairs that lead up to the street.
I dart up them, two at a time until I see him, sitting on a wall and struggling with his lighter.
He sees me.
"Oh," he says. "Do you have a light?"
I walk towards him, as if in a trance. I take a cigarette from my own packet of Marlboro and light it as he watches me. I pluck his unlit one from his hand and pop it between his lips, bringing my face to his. He tilts his head up and holding my cigarette in my mouth, I use the end to light his. I don't know why I'm doing this. I think I saw it in a movie once and always wanted to try, but those drinks are having a weird effect on me, and it seems like a good idea to do it now.
I pull away as soon as Theo starts puffing, but I only take a small step back. We smoke down to the filters. I don't take my eyes off him the entire time, and he never meets my stare. I watch his little movements; the delicate hand coming to his mouth, his lips taking the filter, the rise and fall of his chest as he takes a long drag with each inhale, letting the smoke flow out of his nose; the flicker of his eyes as they avoid contact with mine.
He stubs out what's left of his cigarette and finally looks up at me. I lose grasp of any practical reason, somewhat realising why I followed Theo out here, what my intentions are. I step towards him again, his knees parting to let my hips come between them. My hands reach for his neck, and he doesn't recoil at my touch as I caress his skin delicately. I'm transfixed by his mouth, that perfect little heart-shaped pout on his face. With no more hesitation, I lean in and bring our lips together, unable to hold back any longer. His tongue welcomes mine, and the image of his naked body flashes through my mind. I feel his hands at my waist, pulling me closer, gripping my jeans hastily.
I don't care that only an hour or so ago he denied any interaction between us, or that there's obviously something weird going on between him and Andrei. I don't even care that he's my best friend's younger brother, or that I'm not even gay.
Well, I didn't think I was, but I'm feeling pretty gay right now, as Theo's hands snake up my body.
DORA
I am kissing a boy; a boy that isn't Andrei, but a boy who's seen me naked. I'm kissing him hard, and I don't hate it. His hands have moved from my neck to my back, and I'm gripping his hair, his lovely soft hair, and I can't seem to pull him close enough. I don't know why this is happening, or why I'm allowing it or letting him possess me like he's doing. As far as I was aware, he wasn't interested in guys. But then again, I didn't think I was either.
Someone coughs.
Ren is pulling away from me in panic, and we both turn to see who's interrupted us.
My stomach sinks.
"What. The. Fuck!" Andrei cries.
I glance at Ren, who's staring at Andrei with an open mouth, and Andrei is looking back at him and then at me, and then again at Ren.
Well, this is fucked up.
I slide off the wall, and my kissing buddy looks to me briefly. "Uhh..."
This is just great.
"I'm gonna go." Ren takes a final glance at me before walking as nonchalantly as I can imagine past Andrei and down the steps. Well, thanks. Just leave me here to deal with this.
"Well?"
My heart is pounding. "What?"
"What the fuck was that!" I can see a fire in Andrei's eyes that I've never seen before. "Is this what you do now? Go around snogging strangers?"
"Ren is hardly a stranger -"
"I don't give a fuck! This isn't what you do!"
I laugh. "No. It's what you do." I can feel my throat burning. How fucking dare he...
Andrei glares back at me. "So, this is your revenge? Are you trying to make me jealous?"
His last word stings my chest. Maybe...
"I don't care enough to try and get revenge," I lie. Why aren't you jealous?!
"God, you're such a fucking liar," he spits, practically reading my mind.
I cross my arms, my throat burning with tears that I'm sure are going to surface if I don't turn away now. It's as if nothing has changed in the months I was away. I stare at Andrei, his flawless skin and hypnotising but tired eyes having only slightly less effective as before.
"Why are you doing this?" he says, his voice suddenly soft, and he takes a few steps closer to me. "You're not... yourself."
"Why do you care?" I ask, killing the remaining distance between us. I stand as close to him as I used to dream I could, our faces nearly touching. I glare at him. "Why would you care if I didn't want you anymore? It's not as if I could have you."
Andrei takes an angry and exasperated breath. "Dora." He grabs my shoulders, clutching at my t-shirt. To any onlookers, we probably seem like we're about to either fall into a passionate embrace or a brawl. He pushes me roughly against the wall. "Don't go near him again."
My heart races. I'm so pissed off I feel like I could punch Andrei, but at the same time, the rage in his voice is fascinating, and I feel powerful.
I move my face closer to him as if to lean in to kiss him, before pushing him cruelly away from me.
"I'll go near who I like."
I don't go back into the club, but instead, walk along the street and make my way to my flat, not caring to look back.
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