REN
Theo and I wait a few minutes before following Panda back into the pub. He'd darted quickly enough inside, denying us the opportunity to ask him precisely what he saw, but I still expect Ichi to dart up and pure deck me and scream at me for "violating his little brother". That doesn't happen.
Instead, we find them both sitting in a previously occupied booth, and Theo looks at me with a worried glance before heading back behind the bar.
I slide in across from them.
"Dora seems to have calmed down a bit," Panda says with a forced smile. "Is he okay? He was... so angry."
I take a ragged breath. "Yeah, I think so."
"What happened, anyway?" Ichi asks, lifting his fresh pint to his lips.
"Um... I don't know. I just caught them arguing in the hall," I lie. Panda is looking at me with a wry smile, and I feel my brain rumbling with excuses. "But I don't know what it was about."
Ichi suddenly puts his pint down, alert. "I swear if Andrei tried it on with him again --"
"I don't think it was that," Panda interjects. "But Andrei has been acting weird lately. Maybe he said something he shouldn't have."
Ichi looks around. "I'm going to see if he's okay."
Both Panda and I watch him slide off the seat and walk over to the bar.
"It was because of you, wasn't it?"
I turn my head, unable to look directly at him. "Why would it be because of me?"
"When I took Dora outside, he was so mad. I've never seen him like that before." Panda looks at his bottle of Desperados. "He was calling Andrei a whore, and... I'm now convinced he was talking about you."
I feel my eyes grow wide as they meet his. "What?"
"Did you and Andrei..."
"No!" I cry out before quickly lowering my voice. "No."
"And... are you and Dora..."
I look away again. I can't even lie.
"I saw how he looked at you when he came back inside." Panda starts to look irritated. "But I didn't expect to see that outside. You're not even gay, Ren."
I narrow my eyes at him. "Yeah, neither is Ichiro."
Panda's head tilts like a confused puppy. "What has Ichiro got to do with this?"
"I know you two are involved."
His usually pale face grows pink. "This isn't about Ichiro and me."
"Well, I'll stay out of your business if you stay out of mine."
Panda looks pained. I expect him to get angry, but he reaches across the table for my arm.
"Dora is one of my best friends. Andrei hurt him so badly. I can't stand the thought of that happening --"
I hold my palm up. "It won't. Okay?" I shake my head. "I know you're all really protective over him, but he's not a kid. I'm sure he can handle himself."
He takes his hand away, sliding it along the table, looking unsure before his expression dramatically changes as Ichi appears back at the table.
"He seems okay," he says, sighing. "But you know what he's like."
Ichi moves to sit down but Panda waves at him. "Let me out first."
I watch Ichi's face intently as Panda slides past him and out across the room. He observes that boy like he's a deity and I smile a little.
Ichi looks back at the table, shaking his head, coming out of Panda's trance and sits down.
"Are you alright?" he says.
"It's been a long night."
Ichi laughs before looking at his phone. "Oh, right. It's nearly midnight. Fox will be closing up soon."
As if on cue, Fox rings a bell behind the bar, yelling out: "Last call!"
"We're all staying after closing. You want to join us?"
My first instinct is to shake my head and make an excuse, like having to get up early. I want to spend time alone with Theo, but I'm scared to ask if he's staying behind too.
"Come on," Ichi says, prodding me. "I promise I won't drag you to a goth club this time."
I pretend to think about it for a few seconds. "Well, I suppose I could stay for a bit." And then I lose all playfulness. "Only if you answer a question."
"Sure," Ichi says apprehensively.
I take a deep breath. "Are you fucking Panda?"
He stares at me, the colour draining from his face. "Why the hell would you ask me that?"
I roll my eyes. "Because I'm not blind. I mean, everything else aside, just going by the way you looked at him right now is reason enough."
"How did I look at him any differently than anyone else?"
My mouth gapes. "You looked positively enamoured." I watch his face go from paper white to pink. "Ichi, it's okay if you are. I just don't know why you're hiding it from me."
Ichi looks around. "No one knows except Nana. If Theo finds out, he'll kill me."
"I didn't know you were into guys now," I say chuckling.
"Yeah, that's the thing," he mumbles. "I always have been." He coughs a little, attempting nonchalance as he sips his beer.
"But all the girls!" I cry out before he hushes me. "Is that why I never heard much noise?"
Ichi punches my arm lightly. "No!" He takes another big gulp. "I was just better at hiding all the guys I snuck into my room. I still like girls too."
I narrow my eyes, glancing over to look at Panda leaning on the bar; his tight skinny jeans, his pretty eyes and the little ponytail. "So, is he like... the best of both worlds kind of thing?"
Ichi looks like he might actually punch me at full force. "No."
"But you don't even like goth chicks."
"I swear to God," Ichi grumbles, resting his head on crossed arms. "This is why I didn't want to tell you."
I laugh, nudging his shoulder. "Panda is very... pretty."
Ichi's head suddenly re-emerges. "Trust me, he is all man," he says smirking with a blush. "You don't seem shocked by this at all."
I shrug. "I'm very accepting."
As he glares at me, I internally hope he'll take a note from me when he finds out about Theo and me.
DORA
Fox finally locks the doors, and we all pile around the big table in the middle. Ren passes everyone a beer, fighting a little smile as he hands one to me, which makes me feel giddy.
Panda squeezes in between Number One and me, allowing Ren to sit on the other side of me, just in time for Fox to steal the spare stool beside him. I try to hide my immediate jealousy as she leans against him, and I take a deep breath.
"Come on, Fox; there's plenty of room." My tone is flat, but I can't mask the disdain in it. "You don't need to crowd him."
She side-eyes me before scooting over slightly and apologising to him.
Oasis plays on the jukebox, the lighting is dim, and the night moves slowly. It feels nice, most of us together like this.
It's nearly one a.m when we hear a tapping on the door.
"Oh, that'll be Nana and Maki," Panda chirps, as he glides across the room, surprisingly graceful for someone so tall with such heavy boots on.
But what happens next is even more surprising.
Everyone goes silent as a loaded Andrei pushes past Panda, Nana and Maki following behind with matching horrified faces. Oh, for fuck's sake...
"Oh, so I see everyone was invited but me," he slurs.
"Are you okay?" Maki asks, unaware of the drama of earlier, trying to hold Andrei steady, but Andrei pushes him away.
Panda goes to grab him. "You need to go home, Andrei," he says firmly.
"Stop fucking pawing at me!" he yells, yanking his arm away from Panda's hold.
Fox stands. "You need to go. Right now. Come back when you're sober."
"No, let me say my piece first," he sneers at her. "You all treat me like I'm some lower being like I'm beneath you. But you're all just as cheap and dishonest as I am."
We stare at him, silent with mild horror, but I'm probably more horrified than anyone else.
"I've kept all of your dirty little secrets locked up inside of me, and this is how you treat me? Like a piece of rubbish?" He smirks. "All I've done is try to be a good friend."
"Andrei, you need to go home," Nana says as he pulls on Andrei's arm.
"Oh, I'm sorry. Are you afraid I'm going to spill our little secret?" Andrei stares at him with vitriol burning between his lips. "Do you still not know what the word No means?"
"Seriously, don't --"
"What are you talking about?" Panda asks quietly.
"Your brother tried to have it off with me," Andrei announces, and I feel my mouth drop in horror as my heart stops.
"You what?!" Panda yells, looking at Nana.
"I went to him for help, and that was how he treated me. And when I said no, he said I was asking for it." I can hear the emotion in Andrei's voice. "Like I deserved to be taken advantage of because I needed a friend."
Nana closes his eyes.
"Nana, is that true?" Panda is still quiet, but you can hear the disappointment in his voice.
Without opening his eyes, Nana sighs. "Yes."
I want to scream at him, tell him that he's shameful, ask him why he'd do something like that, but before I can, Andrei turns to me and laughs.
"Oh, and you..."
My heart skips. Oh shit.
"I'm sure you'd love for everyone to know what you've been hiding," Andrei smirks wickedly. "Or should I say, you and Ren."
I watch Number One turn to Ren sharply. "What?"
"Nothing!" he says, a little bit too quickly to be convincing.
"Oh, right yeah. It's nothing." Andrei laughs again. "Little Doradora finally lost his V-card. But I have a feeling Ren knows where he may have misplaced it."
Oh, fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.
"Andrei!" I scream at him.
"Sorry Fox," he says, his voice still dripping with malice. "You thought Ren liked you? No chance, babe."
Everyone's eyes dart from me to Ren, and then to Fox as she pushes her stool out quietly and walks through to the back room. There's a look in Number One's eyes as he looks at Ren with silent fury.
I immediately move to chase after Fox, but Andrei puts his hand out. "Oh, I wouldn't go just yet. I've got one more thing to tell everyone! And you, in particular, are going to want to hear this."
Number One holds his head in his hands as he shakes gently. I wonder if he's crying, or enraged, or plotting Ren's death.
Panda's eyes fill with tears. "Please. Andrei. Please don't do this."
Andrei looks at him, softening a little. He bites on his lip as his cheeks grow wet.
"Please..." Panda begs again, a black streak trailing down his face. "I've never done anything to hurt you. You're my friend."
The last word seems to set him off again as he snarls, "I thought all of you were my friends, but I was mistaken."
Panda shuts his eyes, as Andrei turns back to me and words leave his cruel lips.
"Dora, I remember when Ichi first arrived and you were so miserable because you knew he'd do something. You were sure he'd alienate your friends from you. Well, you were right. He did!"
My head is a mess of fear, hatred and confusion.
"They've all been lying to you! Every. Single. One."
I can feel nausea bubbling in my stomach as I look at my friends one at a time; Nana, Panda, Number One, Ren. Each of their faces takes on a similar colourless cast of terror and contempt for Andrei, and they all avoid my gaze as I analyse their expressions.
Nana is the first to physically react, lunging at Andrei before Maki grabs his arm, pulling him back quickly. "I swear to God if you --"
Andrei steps back, still grinning. I can feel my heart sinking into my stomach, the colour draining from my face. "But this one is so good!" he exclaims, clapping his hands like an excited child. "Ichi and Panda have been fucking!"
I don't even hear what he says next, or what Panda says as he looks at me pleadingly, the tears pouring down his face now. I look at Number One, but he's not moved from his face-in-hands position. I look at everyone else, their faces each filled with pity as they regret me finding out like this, finding out the horrible truth about their "friendship."
But they all disappear as I walk as calmly as I can through to the hall and out the back door, for the hundredth time.
I'm not alone for longer than twenty seconds.
"Dora, please forgive me." Panda is sprinting toward me. "I'm so sorry."
"Everyone knew. Everyone except me."
Panda shivers. "We were going to tell you --"
"How long?" I ask, not sure if I really want to know.
He stares at me, our eyes locked in a fearful embrace. "Since Ichi's birthday."
I feel dizzy, clutching at my chest. "That was months ago!" I try to regulate my breathing. "You've been... since April? And everyone else knew but me?!" I look away from him as he tries to move closer to me. "I should have stayed in Japan," I say more to myself than him.
"I'm glad you came back," Panda whispers.
"God, my brother? Really?!" I look back at him. "Isn't there some kind of rule about fucking your friend's brother?"
He raises an eyebrow. "Ren's Ichiro's friend."
"That's... that's different," I mumble, even though it's not all that different. "Ren and me... that only started a few weeks ago, not months. And we've only done it like twice. Well, once. One and a half times."
Panda blinks, eyebrows still raised, as he watches me ramble. "A half?"
"Well, you know..." My voice trails off. "Anyway! This conversation isn't about Ren and me. It's about you and my brother!"
I see a smile sneak its way across Panda's lips. "My little Dora lost his virginity!"
Oh, my God. "Don't change the subject." I glare at him.
His smile doesn't fade. "Dora," he whispers. "I love your brother."
I roll my eyes. "Everyone does."
"No, I mean..." He pauses. "I'm in love with him."
"Really?" I say, my voice croaking a little. "Gross."
Panda nods. "I wanted to tell you, but... I didn't want to out Ichiro. He wasn't ready. I mean, he's still not ready, but it's a bit late now."
"You told Andrei." I can't hide the hurt in my tone. "I can understand you telling Nana. But Andrei before me?"
"That's not entirely accurate." Panda's face flushes. "He sort of... saw us."
"Oh, fucking hell," I groan. "Don't elaborate on that."
"Are you still angry at me?" He puts his hands together as if to pray. "Please, Dora. You mean the world to me and I can't cope if you're angry at me."
I look at him, trying to decide whether I am or not. I think Old Dora might have been. Old Dora would have stormed out of the pub, locked himself away in the flat for days until Nana dragged his ass back to the bar. But for some reason, Current Dora is looking up at Panda, into his big eyes, so full of endearment and concern, and he feels fortunate; lucky to have such a friend, even if said a friend told a big ass lie.
"I'm still fucking pissed that you all kept it from me," I say. "But I can't say I'm mad at you."
Suddenly, I'm lost in Panda's Nine Inch Nails t-shirt after he yanks me into his chest.
"Oh Doradora, I'm delighted," he coos, rocking me from side to side, holding me like a python until I can't stop laughing, and squirm myself free.
REN
I watch Panda dart out the door after Dora, leaving Ichiro staring at me like he wants to skin me alive, and Nana and his silent (and very ghostlike) friend looking utterly aghast. Andrei tearfully lets himself out, like a tornado moving on after demolishing a village.
I find myself watching them, silently begging them to linger, so I have witnesses when Ichiro finally snaps, but they just glance at each other awkwardly.
"We're gonna go check on Fox," Nana says finally, and they both shuffle behind the counter and through to the kitchen.
It takes a few seconds of silence before Ichi breaks it with his sledgehammer tongue.
"I should fucking punch you," he growls, a murderous flash in his eyes. Some would argue that Ichi's natural face expression can be somewhat brutal, but it's nothing compared to what it looks like right now. "Like, really hard. In the balls."
I remain deadpan. "Ichi --"
"He is my little brother." His voice is quiet and flat. "My. Little. Brother. He's just a kid."
"He's nearly twenty-two," I scoff, trying to sound unbothered by Ichi's terrifying appearance. "He's an adult."
"That's not the point!" Finally, he raises his voice. And I wish he hadn't. "You don't fuck your best friend's little brother!"
"Eh, isn't Panda Nana's little brother?" It feels weird to refer to Panda as "little" given he's gotta be nearly half a foot taller than Nana, but it seems to hit a nerve. "Was Nana particularly accepting of you two when he found out?"
Ichi glares at me, his lips apart in a frozen word. I stare back at him expectantly.
"Is this revenge?"
I squint. "For what?"
"Your cousin Lily. Is it revenge? Because I only made out with her once, that was it. This is way, way worse."
"You know I don't give a fuck about that!" I hold my head in my hands. "I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't do that to Theo."
"Did you think because you're my best friend that I'd welcome you with open arms?" Ichi utters, horrified.
I shrug. "I don't know."
"God, I thought it was bad when it was Andrei..."
My jaw drops. "You think I'm worse than Andrei? Are you fucking serious?"
"At least he didn't have loyalties elsewhere!"
I jump to my feet. "You're meant to be my mate, but clearly, you fucking hate the thought of me with your brother so you can't really like me that much."
"I wouldn't go anywhere near your sister!" Ichi says, standing so suddenly, his stool falls over behind him.
"She's fourteen! Of course you wouldn't!"
"But if she were eighteen, or twenty, or fucking thirty-five, I wouldn't! Because you just don't!" Ichi crosses his arms. "You don't fuck around with your best mate's sibling."
I close my eyes, breathing deeply. "I'm not fucking Theo around."
"Then what are you doing with him, then?"
"I like him."
"Oh, yeah, sure," Ichi scoffs. "You're the straightest guy I've ever met, and you were like the Cassanova of our year."
Even though his mistrust is wholly justified based on my previous sexual activities, I can't help a ball of frustration grow in my chest.
"So? Am I not allowed to change? Am I not allowed to love someone based merely on the person they are? Am I not allowed to love someone regardless of whatever the fuck they're packing? I couldn't tell you exactly why I like Theo. Sometimes I wonder, myself. But I do, and I can't explain that to you." I take a breath. "It's a fucking phenomenon."
Ichi gawks at me, bewildered. "Love?"
I roll my eyes. "It was... an example. To get the point across."
"How can I possibly believe that you're not just messing him about? I know how much you love taking virginities."
I let out a growl. "God, are you serious? Do you really think I'd do that to him?"
"Can you blame me? You used to brag about how many virgins you slept with in Uni."
"Yeah. That was three fucking years ago. I'm not interested in that anymore!" I shake my head. "All I'm interested in is him."
There's a stillness in the storm of my wild confession, and I slump back down on my stool, finally defeated.
"Did you have something to do with that fight?" Ichi asks with anger still in his voice, leaning on the table.
"Inadvertently." I sigh. "But trust me, it was all Andrei." I took across the table. "This is so dumb. I've not done anything wrong, and it's not like Theo isn't aware of my past. Which, by the way, isn't all that much different to yours."
Ichi is silent, stewing in what I can only assume is a mixture of his disdain for me and his denial of the fact that we're a lot more similar than he's willing to admit.
"I just don't know how I can even be friends with you now."
I roll my eyes at him again. "Well, can you figure it out? Because this is an idiotic reason for us to fall out."
He shakes his head.
"I don't think I can."
I watch him straighten himself, looking at me with revulsion in his eyes, just as Theo and Panda saunter back through obviously on talking terms, Panda's arm around the former. But their faces fall when Ichi turns to look at them - at Theo.
"I don't even know how to look at you," he says before turning away from the table and leaving, shaking his head.
No comments:
Post a Comment