NANA
It was finally time for Maki to get his external fixation removed. It had been ten long weeks, for both him and me but for wildly different reasons.
Tamaki drove us since neither of their dads was able to come. An emergency had arisen regarding one of the signed artists, so they'd flitted off to the main studio.
"I'm going to miss this robot leg," Maki said, while we waited for the doctor. "I'd finally got used to it."
He was clearly trying to make himself feel better; he'd been up half the night, researching how they'd remove the fixation, and he was terrified of how much it was going to hurt.
"Do you think they'll let me keep it a bit longer..?"
Tamaki rolled his eyes. "You're such a baby. It'll be fine."
"But they don't use any anaesthetic." He was unusually pale, the faintest green tint to his complexion. I was scared he was going to throw up when it came to it.
Eventually, a nurse came through, apologising that the doctor would be another five minutes or so. She left quickly, and Maki growled.
"I just want this to be over..."
Tamaki kept looking at the clock, seeming annoyed. And then his phone rang.
"Hello?" He paused. "Oh, no! Oh, that's terrible. I'll be right there!" He hung up his phone, dramatically looking flustered. "Guys, I'm going to have to leave -"
"You can't!" Maki cried desperately. "You can't leave me like this. I swear to God -"
"Sorry, but, um, Amber needs me for something!"
As Maki continued to plead, Tamaki legged it out of the room. It was clear that he was just excusing himself, and faking a phone call was the easiest way to do it. It was just a shame he wasn't a better actor.
Maki went quiet, panic making his eyes wide. I wasn't sure what he was more scared of; getting the metal frame removed, or me.
It entered my mind right then that I needed to tell him. I needed to say everything I should have said the night of the accident. I don't know why I wanted to say it now, at the worse possible time, but as Maki opened his mouth to say something, I found the words tumbling from my lips like uncoordinated line-dancers on ice.
"I love you."
Maki turned his head slowly, his mouth still agape, and stared at me like I'd said something that wasn't completely obvious already.
"I think I have for a long time," I continued, not knowing where I was pulling the words from. "I know you probably won't believe me when I say this, but you're the only one I want. I've never been so sure of anything in my entire life. I should have said this weeks ago, and then maybe we wouldn't be sitting here right now. We could be in Brighton or something..."
My heart was thumping so hard in my chest that I didn't know how Maki couldn't hear it. It practically bruised me with how intense the blood was beating through it. It was like time was suspended in the air as Maki continued to gawk at me.
And then the doctor came in.
She kept saying to him not to be so worried, that it would be over before he knew it, as he walked like a zombie to the paper-covered bed in the corner. She suggested I sit by Maki to hold his hand, so I did, even though Maki was looking anywhere but at me. His whole face had drained of what little colour it had left. Even his lips had gone white.
I knew then that I chose the worst possible time to tell him, and I wished I'd said it somewhere pleasant and not when Maki was about to be plunged into a world of pain.
His hand was like ice, freezing cold, nearly transparent and shaking. I thought maybe the thought of me loving him might help him, but seemingly it only made him nauseated.
"Now, I'm sure you know there's no anaesthetic for this," the doctor said. Maki nodded as she explained what she was going to do.
I watched his face the whole time. His eyes were closed, and he flinched slightly as the doctor started the removal process. I could feel the pain emanating from him as a single tear ran down his cheek. I held his hand tighter, and he held fast to mine.
"Fuck..." he uttered as she finished up.
She told him he should be able to walk on it but to be careful for a few days. She then gave him a leaflet explaining different exercises he'd have to do to rebuild the lost muscle tissue and such. His face slowly regained its colour, and by the time we were getting into a taxi to go back to his dads' house, he seemed to be back to normal.
And now, we're sitting on his bed, not saying a word to each other.
The pressure is so intense that I'm not sure if I can bear it anymore. I feel like Maki is holding a giant brick above me and he's teasing to let go of it at any second.
And then he does.
"What you said in the doctor's office," he begins, neither of us daring to look at the other. "Did you mean it?"
I sigh. "Fuck, Maki, I wouldn't have said it if I didn't." It comes out a lot harsher than I thought it would. "Do you reckon I just throw that word around?"
"No," he says, almost a whisper. "I just didn't expect it."
"I hadn't actually intended on telling you like that."
"How would you have done it differently?"
Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Maki's turned to me now; his uninjured leg bent in front of him, but I can't bear to look back. I shrug, thinking of the countless times and ways that would have been a better way. "Don't know. Just not... there."
There's a long pause, the kind that seems to last forever but also hardly any time at all.
I want to speak, but Maki gets there before me.
"You'd think that the most pain I've ever been in was today. It wasn't."
I look at him for the first time since we sat down.
Maki watches the space on the bed between us. "It was watching you... look right through me."
"Maki..." I want to reach out and touch him, but I don't.
"And the whole time, I kept comparing myself to him, like what's so great about him? Even though it was fairly obvious -"
I feel for him then, resting my hand on his knee. "Don't even say what you're about to say."
"Why not? It's true."
I can't speak, only look at him and his horribly sad face, and feel his knee, and fight the compelling need to pull him close to me.
And then I say the first thing that comes to mind. "You're like that bag in American Beauty."
Maki's sadness turns to confusion. "Did you... just call me a bag?"
"No, I mean..." Why. Why did I start this? "I'm the guy with the camera, and you're the bag."
"It's not getting better, Nana." He looks horrified and somewhat amused. "I'm not sure if this is better or worse than being compared to the dead girl from The Ring."
"This. This is why I love you." I can't keep myself from smiling at him. "You make me feel like I'm a fucking idiot, but in the best way possible." I sigh dramatically. "I can't believe you don't know how beautiful you are."
Maki lets out a laugh like he's been holding it back. "I can't believe you did it. You actually said it."
"Whatever I've felt for anyone else is nothing compared to how I feel about you." I shift myself forward, bridging the gap between us. "You're the only one I've been looking at. Ever since I saw your face... I've never looked right through you."
I don't stop myself reaching for Maki's neck and bring him closer. He lets me lean in, his smile gone now, replaced by a sleepy gaze. Our lips not quite touching, I take a second to live in the moment of having him so close to me. My other hand slides up his thigh and towards his waist as I nudge his nose with mine, touching his jaw with my fingers. I let them dance to his ear, and I gently pinch the lobe. I feel his hands grab my sweater, at my shoulders as a light sigh escapes his lungs. His lips part and I meet them with mine painfully slow and unhurried, my tongue searching for his. It's been an endless wait for this kiss, and I want it to last forever.
MAKI
I don't push him away this time. I can't imagine why I'd even want to, or why I wanted to before. I feel for his waist while our mouths grow more aggressive and pull at him. Grabbing at his sweater, I release my mouth from his.
"Should we maybe calm down a bit?" I say my breath heavy with hot desperation as Nana buries his face in my neck, running his lips over my tattoo.
"God, I've wanted to do that for ages." His voice sends all kinds of shivers up my spine. I can feel his mouth place kisses over each star, making me tingle like nothing ever has.
I can only sigh. I can't form words or coherent thoughts. I lean back, bringing Nana down with me, pulling him on top of me.
"Your leg -"
"I don't care," I whisper, my lips searching for his mouth. I can feel his crotch move against mine, making me blaze. He moans a little as he grinds on me. I glide my hands under his sweater and grab at his hips, and he pushes harder, making me glad I'm still wearing the flimsy shorts from earlier.
Nana pulls away from my mouth and starts moving down my body, lifting my t-shirt and kissing down my stomach. His lips trace over my belly button, and his fingers hook under my shorts, pulling at them just enough to expose the moon on my hip. He licks at it, tickling me gently, making me gasp. He's so close to...
I observe him as he moves further down, the distinct hardness in my pants still clothed. And then I watch him run a studded tongue over the thin fabric.
"Fuck!" I cry out quietly, surprising myself, now wishing I wasn't wearing anything at all. I can't stop myself from writhing and grabbing his hair as he continues to wiggle his tongue on me.
Nana grips at the waistband and claws my skin. "God, you're so hot."
I want him to do it, to touch me for real. I want to feel his mouth.
"I want to suck you so bad," he moans as if reading my mind.
"Fucking do it then."
Without any hesitation, Nana pulls my shorts down, and I forget what shame is. He licks at me, teasing with his tongue ring and I tug at his hair. I don't stop myself from guiding my hardness into his mouth, pushing him down. He doesn't fight me, only grabs my hips and lets me hit the back of his throat. He swallows against the tip, making me go crazy with rapture. His lips come up, and I resist the urge to push him back down, and instead, I watch him make circles with his tongue. Just the sight makes me want to lose it finally, but I hold it.
I let him lap at me until I can't stand it anymore. His lips wrap around the end, and he allows my hand to do the rest until I finally burst. I release him from my hold and watch as the liquids flow out into his mouth, and he licks at it.
Nana crawls up my body, and I pull his face to mine, not caring where his mouth has just been or what it was doing. I grasp at his jeans, unbuttoning them hungrily and feel for him under his pants. He moans into my mouth while I stroke him gently. He pulls at the fabric, freeing himself from the constraints of the denim, and I quicken my movements, tightening my grip. He releases my mouth and nuzzles at my neck again, only this time I feel teeth sinking into my skin. And then my hand is very wet, and Nana is pulling up my t-shirt. His fluids land on my bare stomach, and he goes quiet, waiting for our breathing to become regular again.
NANA
"Should we... maybe..." Maki's voice trails off.
I move my lips up to his neck and hear him sigh. I'm thinking Damn, I must be good at this, until I pull away and he flops to the side, completely out.
"Maki?"
He breathes quietly, his eyes shut. He's asleep!?
I can't be mad; I watch his cute face as he dreams. The painkillers must be stronger than he thought.
I shift his body up the bed and rest his head on the pillow before kissing his cheek.
"Sleep well," I whisper to him.
I sneak out of the room and up the hall towards the studio, where I can hear Tamaki playing the guitar.
"Hey," I say, peeking around the door.
He looks at me, confused. "Where's Maki?"
"The painkillers knocked him out." I decide against telling him we were making out at the time.
I sit next to him as he plays a simple melody. "Did he speak to you?"
"Briefly," I say through a chuckle. "I called Maki a fucking bag."
Tamaki shakes his head. "No wonder you're single."
"I meant it as a compliment!" I can feel my face going red. "I'm utterly shit at this kind of thing."
"How did he react?"
"I think he knew what I meant... I think. I hope."
"What did you even mean?"
"Let's not." I look away. "I don't know what he's thinking. He didn't exactly react how I thought he would."
"How was he meant to respond to being called a bag?"
I roll my eyes at him. "Not that."
"Well, what?"
"I told him I love him."
Tamaki's mouth drops open. "When? Just now?"
"No, at the doctors. Before the fixation was taken off."
"Damn, I wish I'd stayed. I would have loved to see that."
I glare at him. "It didn't exactly go very well. I think it made him feel even worse."
Tamaki snort-laughs, my head falling into my hands.
"I don't think you have much to worry about," he assures me. "Although, if he falls asleep mid-conversation again, you may have to come up with some better chat-up lines."
I just know my face is redder than Tamaki's guitar. "We, uh, weren't... talking..."
He gawks at me in horror. "Oh, burn," he says, in mild disgust, before bursting into laughter.
In an attempt to take my mind off the whole thing, particularly my damaged self-esteem, Tamaki brings me one of his guitars and plugs it into an amp. We play together for what feels like a short time, but when I look at my phone, two hours have passed.
"I wonder if Maki is still asleep," I say, mostly to myself. I wonder if he's alright...
MAKI
I wake with a sudden jolt. My brain immediately separates my dreams from reality, and I feel gutted that none of the visions had been real.
I can almost still feel my lips tingle from Nana's slow and tempting kiss. But that's as far as it went.
And then I remember with chagrin that I must have fallen asleep. No... My face burns hot from the embarrassment, and I haul my still sleepy body off the bed, weighted from the painkillers.
As I turn into the hall, I can hear faint music coming from the studio. They must have left the door open. I walk closer to the room, and I wonder whether that was deliberate. I follow the sound and see Nana and Tamaki playing the guitar together. Leaning against the doorframe, I watch them through the glass for a few seconds, my heart filling will love as I gaze at Nana's face. I'm not sure I even want him to see me. I still feel thoroughly mortified.
I don't get to hide in the shadows for long. Tamaki glances at me with a knowing smile and Nana immediately stops playing and looks over.
"Hi," he says composedly, putting the guitar aside and stands. "Are you... feeling better?"
I nod, my heart in my mouth. The way he's looking at me reminds me of the first time he came over, and I insulted his hair, an amused but captivated expression in his eyes.
Tamaki looks to each of us before coughing, breaking the spell between us. "I'll leave."
I still can't speak as he takes his guitar and slides past me in the doorway. He mumbles "Good luck" before he's gone.
I move through towards Nana, and we both sit on the couch.
"Did you sleep well?" He puts his hand to my face, almost like he can't bear to not touch me, and my heart flutters.
"I had a fascinating dream," I say, knowing my cheeks are flushing.
He smirks. "Oh, aye?"
"I'm sorry."
"It's alright. You've had a long day." Nana strokes my hair like I'm his pet. I would like that. "You looked very cute sleeping."
I want to push him away jokingly and tell him to shut up because I don't think I can handle blushing this much, but I don't. Instead, I take his face in both my hands and kiss him. It's as if I've waited forever to do this, to touch his neck and feel his lips while his arms enwrap me as they do now, to know he wants me. The kiss isn't gentle and sweet like the one earlier, but rough and exhilarating. Fuelled by my still vivid dream, I nibble at his lips, and he pulls me onto his lap, grabbing at my hips, and I feel like I'm going to explode.
I withdraw my mouth, his hands still caressing up my waist.
"Is this better?" I say, my breathing unsteady as I watch his face.
Nana smiles up at me, his hand coming to my face again as he brushes my hair away. "I can't even put into words how much better this is. Being with you, like this."
"Do you mean it?"
"What?"
"Do you really mean it? That you think this is better."
Nana runs his thumb over my bottom lip, the skin still sensitive from the harsh kiss. I part my lips and let his thumb touch the tip of my tongue, and he stares at my mouth like he's in a trance. I know I must be hard down there, with Nana between my legs and his lust-filled gaze, and I hope he doesn't notice.
"This is like a thousand times better."
I dare to suck on his finger, and he lets out a quiet moan. "Don't do that."
"Why?"
"You've no idea what effect this is having on me."
"I kinda do," I say, casting my eyes down towards his crotch for a second.
I watch a blush cross his face. "Well, don't look at it..."
I want to channel my inner Dream Maki and do more than look at it, but I end up just feeling embarrassed. "Sorry..."
"It's okay; I'd look at yours too if your face weren't remarkably cute."
I'm not sure whether to feel complimented or not as I raise an eyebrow at him. "That was a bit backhanded."
Nana grins up at me and sticks his tongue out, reminding me of what Dream Nana's tongue did to me, and the quietest whimper forms in my throat. "I think I should get off you now."
He grabs my hips playfully. "I think you should get off with me."
"Wow," I say with a laugh. "All modesty is gone, apparently."
He pulls my face down and is about to kiss me when we hear a cough behind us.
I've never moved so fast as I fling myself off Nana and land on the floor, luckily landing on my uninjured leg.
"Dad, can't you knock?!"
He looks both amused and shocked. "What exactly is happening here?" He looks at Nana. "I'm sorry, is my son trying to eat you?"
I cover my increasingly reddening face with my hands, still sprawled out on the studio floor. "Please just get out!"
I hear Dad chuckle. "Clearly I can't leave you unsupervised. You'll start devouring our house guests."
"Oh, my God, leave!"
"Fine, fine, but Nana," he says. "Don't come to me if he bites your head off."
"I swear to God, Dad!"
He walks away chuckling, and I don't uncover my face until I know he's gone.
Nana lies on the couch, silently laughing. I want to die.
"I'm too old for this shit," Nana says, still laughing, and wipes a black tear from his eye. "I keep forgetting you're young."
Could this day get any more mortifying? "Four years! You're only four years older!"
"When we're in our thirties, it won't even matter." Nana's face grows deadpan. "But you might have eaten me alive by then."
I stand, still crippled with embarrassment. "Why? Why was I born?"
"You're like a praying mantis or something."
"That's it; I'm done. It's over," I say, trying not to laugh.
Nana darts off the couch and grabs me. "You know I'd happily die getting eaten by you."
"Honestly, when did you get so mushy?"
He kisses me again, but this time it's short and sweet. And as I take his hand and lead him out of the room, I realise I might actually be in for a chance here.
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