A(ndrei)sexual & Other Tales - Chapter Seven: in which some kisses should be saved (Part One)

Warning: 18+ readers only; this blog is dark and full of terrors!
(A little bad language.)

 Mid Spring

PANDA

    I must have been stupid to fall for R.

    I didn't realise then what it would even mean; giving up my freedom, my heart, my happiness... I've never felt so alone as I do with him.

    Only I'm not with him. Not anymore.  

    We met on my first day at university. R arrived late to the first method acting lecture, wearing a tank top that exposed his muscular physique. I was immediately in awe of his beauty; his long, sleek black hair, his tanned skin, his dark almond eyes. As he walked past my pew, I somehow caught his eye, and I saw an alluring smile appear on his flawless face. My heart jolted just from one glimpse.  

    R found me in the university garden, perched on a step, my nose in a playbook. Our conversation was brief; I suggested he give me Japanese lessons to impress my brother and father, and he was more than happy to oblige. Of course, we both knew this was only a ruse; I wanted in his bed. But our relationship became more than that. I found myself falling for R, fast and hard, and he doted on me with such adoration and love I'd never experienced before.

    I thought we would be so content together, studying in the same classes, sleeping in the same bed.

    For a year, I was happy.

    And then New York happened. New York took him from me. And he fucking let it. It's like I didn't even come into it.

    "Panda, babe, this is my dream," he'd said. "I won't ever get a chance like this again."

    How the hell could he know that? And even so, why did that have to be his dream? Porn?! Really?! 

    At first, I tried to be supportive, I really did. It worked for a while. After R left, I would sit at our usual spot at Cafe Nero and write him letters. I'd tell him about my week, and how classes were, how my job was going. And he'd send messages back saying the same. But I didn't want to read about his career. I tried to pretend my boyfriend wasn't a semi-professional AV star. He would tell me how it wasn't the same as being with me, how it wasn't really "sex" to him because there were no feelings. He would say how he wished he could go home to his apartment and I'd be waiting for him...

    But like hell will I move to New York.

    Not now. Not ever.

    Especially now that I've seen it. The more I sit here drinking, the more vivid it seems in my head. I only watched it for five minutes but those five minutes keep replaying and replaying and replaying. And my heart breaks and breaks and breaks a little more each time. Surprisingly, I held back from searching for it for so long. I mean, who doesn't want to watch their boyfriend boning some blonde with botched implants and lip fillers?

    "Panda, sweetie, you really shouldn't be drinking so much," Foxy says, touching my hand over the bar while I try my goddamn hardest not to cry into my beer. "What's wrong? Don't you usually Skype with your boyfriend tonight? I thought that's why you weren't going to be here."

    The bar is quite empty, given it's a weekday, so Foxy doesn't have many other customers. It's a good time for drinking alone.

    "I really don't want to talk about it," I say dejectedly. "I just want to drink and try to forget."

    She frowns, sliding another beer across the table. It's my seventh one, but it doesn't hit me as hard as it might have.  

    "You know, you could go sit with Ichi," she says, nodding towards the corner of the room. "Dora and Andrei haven't shown up yet, and Nana cancelled on him..." She looks sad. "It's his birthday, and his brother hasn't even turned up."

    I look over. "I didn't realise Ichiro was still here..."

    Foxy doesn't know she's put him in danger. She hasn't noticed the spark between us, or how magnetic he seems to be. Since I first met him, I can't keep away from him. But Nana is always there, or Dora, to stop us getting too close. But the pull is indisputable. I can't even put my finger on why. The physical attraction is undeniable - I don't think anyone isn't physically attracted to Ichi - but it somehow goes deeper than that. We haven't really had the chance to get to know each other, though. I could list the facts I know about him on the one hand; he likes period/fantasy TV shows and Maximo Park, he wears CK One, and his favourite colour is dark red (which, by the way, looks perfect on him.) But each fact I learn about him is like a treasure I want to save.

    And now I see my chance to find more.

    I immediately stand with my fresh beer and saunter over. As I get close to Ichi, I can tell that he too has been here a little while and has been drinking alone. He looks distraught, his head down on the table.

    "Hi," I say kindly, sitting down next to him. "You okay?"

    Ichi lifts his head. "Oh, I didn't know you were here."

    "Yeah, I've been at the bar."

    He grabs his White Russian and downs the last of it, not even wincing. My heart aches for him. He's tried so hard to be close with his brother since he came here, but Dora is challenging. It's as if he doesn't even want to be near him. It makes me so sad, especially now that I see just how badly it's affecting him. Usually, he succeeds in hiding behind his perfect smile.

    "Where's... everyone?"

    "Fuck knows," he mumbles, looking at his phone briefly. "It's half ten. Theo was meant to be here an hour ago, and Nana had to cancel, even though it was for his birthday too. He didn't even have the decency to text me himself."

    "Well, I'm here now!" I say, trying to sound cheerful. "Happy birthday, Ichiro."

    His face doesn't change. "Thank you," he mumbles in his mother-tongue.

    I take a big swig of my beer, and it's as if he sees me for the first time tonight.

    "What's wrong?" he says.

    "What do you mean?"

    "You've been drinking alone at the bar on a weeknight, after saying you weren't coming out." Ichi looks at me with concern, making my heart jump. "And you look very... unhappy. What happened?"

    I have to look away from him. I can't tell him the truth.

    "I just... my boyfriend..." I stare at the table, feeling battered by the lies, lurking tears making my throat hurt. "I miss him."

    "Oh..." His movie star eyebrows ruffle. "How long has he been gone?"

    "Six months... two weeks... three days."

    Ichi is quiet for a minute, watching me peel the label off my beer.

    "Long-distance must suck," he says absently, the same way everyone else says it but with a bit more irritation.

    "Yeah..."

    He turns to look at me, his elbows on the table. "Why the hell did he leave?"

    "His dream job." I can feel a wave of emotion coming down on me, aided by the seven beers. Feelings I've had for months but have kept at bay because the thought of letting them go, allowing people to see how hurt and plainly shit I feel all the time, terrifies me. But it seems to be coming out now. "I feel so unwanted."

    Ichi slowly takes my beer and drinks a big gulp from it. "To be honest, he sounds like a complete twat."

    His comment knocks me off guard and from beneath the misery, a laugh creeps from my throat. "Why do you say that?"

    "Because he had the option of being with you."

    I watch his face, my lips parted slightly in anticipation. He looks thoughtfully off into the distance as if he imagines a great scene in his head. "Hypothetically speaking, if you were my boyfriend, you'd be like..." He pauses, and the glaze over his eyes disappears as he sinks back into himself. "Actually, never mind. It's dumb."

    "No... what is it? I'd be what?"

    I know we're both drunk, and we shouldn't be talking about such things, but I can't seem to stop myself, and neither Nana or Dora have turned up to stop me either.

    He doesn't look at me. "You'd be like...the Holy Grail."

    My heart thumps, listening to his voice.

    "And if I got you, I could never bear to leave you. Letters, emails, texts... it wouldn't be enough. I'd need to be near you all the time.

    "I'd want to take you on dates, cook dinner for you, hold you... and watch Netflix wrapped up in a blanket."

    Any background noise of the bar becomes mute; the only thing I can hear is my own heart pumping blood through my body ten times faster than it had been a few minutes ago, and Ichi.

    I reach for his hand on the table. "Is that how you feel?"

    He pulls his hand away, pushing a few strands of black hair behind his ear. "Like I said, it's dumb."

    I can feel my face burning, and my stomach fluttering like it's full of moths. "It's not... You're so sweet and kind, and --"

    "Panda, you don't have to act like...like..." he stutters. "Like what I said matters to you."

    He lets me touch his cheek and his hair. "You have no idea."

    Before I can think soberly, I pull his face towards me and feel his lips. He doesn't stop me. He doesn't stop his hands from wandering to my shoulders, or his lips moving against mine. And I don't stop kissing him. I can't, even if I wanted. I can feel my heart beating like it might explode.  I will die kissing Ichi.

NANA

    It's six o'clock when I appear at Maki's house. I feel stupid arriving unannounced, but Pete lets me in and tells me Maki is in the studio.

    Initially, the plan was to go jam with Tamaki and Maki for a bit and then go to the bar. But when I got to the dorm, Tamaki told me Maki wanted to lay down something and would be staying at their dad's house. But he looked sad as he said it.

    "I don't know, he's been really weird lately. I feel like he's gonna leave the band," he'd said. "I mean, I don't mean it's because of you. I just think he liked it the way it was before and now it's different he doesn't like it anymore."

    "But it's only one little difference."

    "Yeah, but Maki is like that. I mean, I knew he'd be a bit funny about someone new coming in, but not like this. And we really need him now that Sen is gone."

    Tamaki went on to explain that the four of them had been really close. They'd all gone to the same secondary school and then college. But with Sen's departure, it seemed it wasn't just Amber who was heartbroken.

    "I wish there were something I could do," I said. I felt overwhelmingly frustrated as I had done since the first recording. "Maki really doesn't like me."

    "He just needs to bond with you, I guess." Then Tamaki's face lit up. "You should go over! To the house!"

    "Wouldn't that be rude?"

    "Well, it would catch him off guard. And maybe that's what he needs."

    So that's why I left my guitar behind and went to Kensington again. Except, this time, I'm not dressed down, and I'm feeling even more nerve-wracked than before.

    I make my way slowly up the stairs, wondering why the hell I agreed to this, why I would put myself through more of Maki's disdainful looks and comments (as funny as it is when they backfire on him).

    As I reach the studio door, I stop, my hand upon the wood.

    I listen against it, my heart trembling at the sound of Maki's voice. He's singing some old, dark pop ballad I recognise - from the late eighties or early nineties, I'm not sure - but with an acoustic spin. His voice is gentle, reaching into his falsetto effortlessly. I envision his face, thinking about how it might look as he sings. And curiosity gets the better of me.

    I push the door open, and see Maki sitting in darkness save for the spotlight illuminating the room behind the glass. He doesn't see me. He just keeps singing and strumming on his guitar, sitting on the couch we'd sat on a couple of weeks ago. And I know I shouldn't be watching him but I can't not. His eyes are closed, and I can feel an unbearable amount of emotion seeping through the lyrics. I never realised how sad this song was until now.

    As he reaches the climax, he opens his eyes slowly. And he looks right at me.

    I expect him to freak out, or at least get a shock but he just looks at me.

    It takes him a second to pull the headphones off, making his hair swish over his shoulders. "Can I help you?" he asks, looking unamused.

    I open the booth door. "I just thought it was my turn to give you a fright."

    He smirks, raising his eyebrows. "You failed."

    "I know," I say, trying to keep the tone light. "I'll have to try again later."

    "Why are you here?"

    I walk over to the couch and sit next to him. "I know you don't like me."

    Maki looks away from me before leaning his guitar against the side of the couch. He sighs. "Nana --"

    "It was the Sadako comment, wasn't it?" I say. "Or is it because you feel like I'm ruining your band? I'm sorry, either way."

    He looks down, his hair hiding his face. "It's okay, you don't need to say sorry."

    "No, I do," I insist. "It's obvious I make you uncomfortable for some reason, so I just wanted you to find me approachable. And I failed. Because I fail at a lot of things."

    He looks towards me, his eyes sparkling a little as a faint smile graces his lips. "I'm not good with new people."

    "Well, I came here so we could... I don't know, get to know each other. That's if you want to. I can't promise you'll like anything about me..." I feel myself smirk as I remember the photo in Maki's bed. "Well, other than my accent, of course."

    He looks away from me, his cheeks turning pink as he hides his face with his hands, a low moan coming from behind them. "God."

    "Sorry, couldn't resist..."

    He leans back on the sofa, his hair falling against the fabric, away from his face. I can see he's smiling too.

    "Honestly, I could kill my brother for that."

    And suddenly, the awkwardness melts away.

    It takes a little while, but by the time it's late enough to be dark out, we're laughing and talking like we've known each other for years. I learn about Maki's past in a children's home with Tamaki until they were both adopted by Pete Taylor and Topher Rose. I learn that they own Taylor-Rose Records and I'm a little mind-blown (but it explains the mounted records and Fenders everywhere). I learn that the reason Maki won't let his dads help the band is that they all want to finish university first, and he wants them to succeed on their own.

    And then I learn - shit, it's nine o'clock.

    "Ah, I need to get back to Camden."

    Maki's face falls. "Oh, okay."

    "It's actually mine and Ichi's birthday, so we were going to celebrate tonight with everyone."

    "Oh, I didn't realise. Happy birthday," Maki says with a shy smile.

    "You should come!" I say excitedly. "I'll text Fox to say I'm not coming, she'll tell Ichi, and it'll be a surprise!"

    "That's kind but... I need a clear head tomorrow to study, and I don't know Ichi --"

    I'm already texting. "It's fine, you'd be my guest. And you can meet Dora and Andrei - although, you should probably not be left alone with the latter..."

    I hear him laugh a little as I press Send.

    "There. Sorted."

    "I don't know, Nana..." Maki fidgets awkwardly. "It seems like a lot of people."

    "Don't worry, I won't leave your side." For some reason, I place my hand on his arm, and Maki's eyes jolt up at me. "It'll be fun." I take my hand away, realising that might have been a bit weird. "Ichi is great. I think you'll like him. Everyone likes him."

    Maki nods slowly, that slight smile still present, making him look a little adorable. "I guess I could go for a short while."

    Soon, Maki and I are getting into a taxi and riding into Camden. I'm pretty excited to be hanging out with everyone as it's been a while since we last did that. And I can't wait to have finally broken down Maki's walls. Even in the taxi, it's as if he's an entirely different person. He's still quiet, but he seems a little more... soft.

    The taxi stops and Maki insists on paying the twenty quid fare. I've not been in such a good mood as this in quite some time.

    Which is probably why I am entirely demolished by what we see as we walk into Black Cat.

    At first, I see Fox at the bar, talking to a customer. It's pretty empty, so I don't have to look very hard to spot Ichi in the corner booth.

    And I don't have to look very long before I see Panda kissing him.

    And they keep kissing.

    And it's like the whole bar disappears around me and all I can see is my brother and the guy I like, and they're kissing.

    I grab Maki's arm and drag him out of the building.

    "Are you okay?" he whispers as I near-collapse against the wall, not really sure what the fuck I'm going to say.

    "Um..."

    I kind of want to throw up.

    And scream.

    And punch the wall.

    "I just..." I attempt to begin, to pull myself together. "I didn't expect to see that."

    Maki nods, looking distressed.

    "You know, seeing my little brother and my best friend."

    He nods again. "Do you... want me to take you home?"

    "Where the hell was Dora? And Andrei?" I ask no one in particular, wondering how the hell they could have been left alone. 

    "Nana, I'm taking you home."

    "But you just..."

    "It's okay, I'll go back to the dorm. It's close by."

    I sigh, hoping to God that I'm more opaque than I feel. "Yeah... I don't really feel like going out now."

    We're about to turn around the corner when Maki pushes me back, hearing voices coming from outside the bar.

    I peek around, even though he tries to stop me.

    Panda and Ichi tumble into a taxi.

    And I know exactly what's going to happen.

    And I hate that I saw this coming.

    And I could do nothing to stop it.