A(ndrei)sexual & Other Tales - Chapter Four: in which our heroes learn the disappointments of unrequited love

Warning: 18+ readers only; this blog is dark and full of terrors!

(a wee bit of bad language.)

DORA

       It's Monday; I have the night off, but in the vain hope that Andrei might show up at the bar, I head to Black Cat. All I've heard from him is a dubious text, apologising for ditching me on his birthday, no explanation or anything. I'm still reeling.

       It's been weird not seeing or speaking to him. Before, it felt like he was drinking at the bar and sleeping on my couch every other night.

       And with every second I do spend with Andrei, I periodically go from hating him to loving him. I fight the urges that grasp on to me every time he staggers into my flat to collapse under a pile of blankets, but not before flashing me that seductive look that's met by my middle finger and a "Fuck you". He'll say "Goodnight, my little Doradora", and then we'll sleep and in the morning, I'll want to jump off Blackfriars Bridge.

    But without all that, it's been lonely. I feel lost without Andrei. When he's not here, it's like going to a party with no music; I mean, you can still have a pretty good time if you drink enough, but... something is missing. Everything about him is music; his laugh, the way his accents sits on his vowels, the wave of his hair, the forever present twinkle in his eyes, that cheeky smirk.

       And having not seen him since last weekend weighs inexplicably on me.

       As soon as I arrive at Black Cat, I pester Fox. "Has Andrei texted you? He's like barely texted me in days. Is he okay?"

       "Yeah; he's just busy. He has to travel between school and his house now. He's feeling terrible for not coming on Wednesday. He said he had to go to bed early because Marius was picking him up in the morning, or something."

        "He told you that?" I say, my anguish oozing through my words in a wobble. "That's more than what I got."

        "Dude, what are you, his girlfriend?" she says with a raised eyebrow, handing me a bottle of Stella.

       I sigh, glaring at her half-heartedly. This isn't the first time Fox has said something like this, and I doubt it'll be the last. The truth is, I have no idea if she knows how I feel or not, but she makes no effort to hide her irritation.

       "Maybe the space would be good for you..." There's the tiniest hint of resentment in her voice.

       "Whatever, I'm over it."

 Fox smirks at me in disbelief and pulls her phone out of her patterned skinnies. She taps the screen a few times and holds it to her ear.

       "Hey, asshole. Why haven't you texted Dora? ... Uh-huh... Uh-huh... interesting..." A longer pause. "Okay... Great! See you soon, baby."

       She hangs up. "Andrei said you haven't been texting him either."

       I try to contain my frustration and hurt. "That's because I texted Andrei last. And I was mad at him."

       "You know what he's like --"

       "He can't blame me for him being shit."

       "Jesus, Dora, what are you getting so upset over?"

       Because he forgot about me.

       I sip my beer, nonchalant. "Whatever, I'm over it. Is Andrei coming here?"

       "He is. Try to contain your excitement."

        I remain deadpan, but my stomach is dancing around inside me, mingling with my heart in a furious bump and grind. I find myself tapping my foot impatiently and almost down my beer as if it'll make time go faster. 

       These twenty minutes are the longest minutes of my life.

       Fox hands me a beer and a pint glass with a shot of vodka in it.  

       "Your favourite."

       I hold a hand to my heart, and say, in mock surprise, "How did you know?"

       She smiles and turns to serve a paying customer, and I feel someone put their arms around my waist.

        "My little Doradora!"

       Andrei kisses the side of my face, and I push him away. "Gross."

       "Is that any way to greet your bestie?" He sits down next to me.

       Nana is behind him, just in to start his shift. "Look what I found out by the bins!" he says, completely expressionless, ruffling Andrei's waves as he passes him. Andrei throws a playful glare, pouting at him.

       His provocative aura radiates furiously, sucking me in, electrifying everything around him. He hooks his arm under mine and hugs it, resting his head against my shoulder.

       "I've missed you! Have you missed me?"

        He gives me that cocky sideways smirk, as always, and I tell him I didn't (a huge lie), and I wish he hadn't come (an even bigger lie). He just giggles.

       "Any chance you could help me study tomorrow?"

       "Me? How much help can I be?"

       "You're good at essays, aren't you?"

       I sigh. It's my biggest secret and shame; being only good at essays. "I guess I am."

       "I need help. Pleeease?"

       "Fine, whatever."

       I feel like I'm going to implode with happiness. Like, I actually can't hide my smile from Andrei,       and he sticks his studded tongue out at me. "I knew you would."

       "Yeah, you're welcome..?" I shake my head at him.

       Andrei just smiles and looks towards Nana who starts jokingly asking him for ID.

       As the evening continues like any other, I've never felt happier. It's like no time has passed since last weekend, and nothing has changed, except for Andrei being legal.

       Hours pass; I head to the toilets which, as per usual, is where I discover just how drunk I am. As soon as I'm alone, swaying in front of the urinal, it dawns on me that I probably shouldn't have had the last four shots. Andrei has been plying me with various alcoholic beverages all evening and being a lot more flirty than usual. I'm scared because I'm drunk enough that I might go for it if he seriously tries anything, or even if he doesn't.

       I shake and head over to the sink to wash my hands (no matter how drunk I may be right now, hygiene is always a must).

       As the tap runs, I stare at myself in the mirror; my heavily outlined eyes are slightly bloodshot from my contact lenses, and my hair could be tidier, but overall I don't find myself unattractive. I could probably be dressed a little better (a relatively old Ramones t-shirt, and equally old black jeans, both skinny-fitted and accentuating my regrettably small stature, neither ironed or flattering) but other than that, I look okay. Unfortunately, it's moments like these when the buried question pops up in my head as if waiting for this exact moment to resurface.

       Why doesn't he like me how I like him? What's wrong with me?  I guess he's not into guys...

       As if on cue, Andrei bursts through the door. But he's not alone. In fact, he's more than not alone.

        Another guy is clinging to him—taller, black hair and covered in tattoos.

       Andrei sees me and holds a finger to his lips. "Shh... don't tell Foxy."

 They both fall into a stall. The door locks and the immediately questionable noises begin to emanate from behind the plastic, and I bolt out of the door.

       I need to leave.

       I need to get as far away from him and everyone else as soon as possible, or I'm going to cry.

       I don't do crying but Jesus, I feel like I'm going to burst.

        I sprint to the bar.

       "I have to go."

       Fox looks at me, her thick eyebrows ruffled. "What? It's only -"

       "I have to go," I repeat mindlessly. "Can... can Andrei stay at yours? I just want to be on my own."

       I have no idea if Andrei will even need somewhere to stay, but I'm sure as hell not going to ask him.

      "What's wrong?"

        "Fucking nothing!" I snap at her. "Can't I just want to fucking go home?!"

        Her eyes widen, and I see Nana look over at us.

        I've never, ever spoken to her like that. I instantly feel terrible, but instead of doing the right thing and apologising, I grab my coat and leg it out the front door. I can hear Nana calling after me, but I keep walking.

       The sharp icy air hits me, and I realise how incredible it is that I've gone from being blazing drunk to almost sober, but I wish I could go back to being drunk again. I wish I were drunk enough so I wouldn't even remember what I just saw.  Who was that guy?  Did Andrei even know him or was he just some... random guy he decided he'd pick up?

       I feel the most stupid I ever have.  Of course. This is such an Andrei thing to do, isn't it? I don't even know why I'm surprised. I thought that whole flirty thing was an act he put on but apparently, he's actually... 

       I don't even want to think about it.

    

       The next day, Andrei arrives at my flat. Nana's already left to visit Panda, probably knowing how much of a bad mood I'd be in, still.

       "Where did you go last night?" No "hi" or anything.

       I step aside to let him in. "I just wanted to go home. I didn't feel well."  Not exactly a lie.

       He's quiet as he sits down on my bed slowly and dumps his bag next to him.

       "Who are we studying today, then?" I say, trying to act normal.

       "Fox said you flipped at her before you left."

        "She knows how drunk I was, I can... barely even remember anything."

       I see Andrei burn red. "Really..?"

       I swallow. I can feel the anger, the disappointment rising, and I can't stop it. "No."

        He looks at me. "So, you remember..."

       "Yep."

       I expect him to look away in shame, apologise for being such a little slut, but instead, he laughs.  

       "Oops!"

       OOPS? FUCKING OOPS? That's all he can say?

        "What do you even mean, oops?" I can't hide my disdainful tone.

       "Well, it was a little awkward getting caught like that."

       "Have you done that before?"

        He looks up at me. "Only a couple of times..."

        I turn and let myself fall onto the couch.

       "C'mon Dora, just because you have no interest in -"

       "Let's not talk about it. It's your body, do what you want."

      He looks at me and says nothing, his smirk and amusement have dissipated, his usual mischievous sparkle absent. He shifts uncomfortably.

 I cough, breaking the silence. "So, are you gonna tell me who this essay is about then?"

       We work for two hours straight, me with the laptop on my lap, typing on the floor, and him with his books spread out on the bed. The tension between us is palpable.

       "Can we take a break? There's only so much Caravaggio I can take in one sitting."

 I don't look up from the screen. "I'm sure if Caravaggio were tall and covered in tattoos you'd find the time."

        "What the fuck, Dora. Are you judging me right now?"

 I don't answer out loud.  Of course, I am.

       He slams his book shut. "Look, just because you have no interest in getting some, doesn't mean I have to share in your celibacy."

       I look up at him. He's trying to look mad, but I can see the regret on his face. It's not the shame of what he's done. He's embarrassed because I caught him.

       I save the document and put the laptop to the side. "You're right, I'm sorry."

       He looks surprised, probably because I rarely ever apologise for anything. But I'm not mad at him. I'm angry at myself for getting my hopes up.

        "Okay then..."

        There's an awkward silence between us.

       "Maybe we should just get back to studying," he says lightly, pulling his hair back. "This essay is due on Monday, and I've done nothing for it." 

NANA

       I'm about to head out to work when Dora speaks to me for the first time today. I'd left to go to Panda's before he woke up, scared of what kind of mood he'd be in after last night. (My guess is he saw the Trent Reznor double that Andrei dragged into the toilets.)

       "Remember, Ichiro is staying here tonight. He'll be coming to the bar straight off the train."

 I hadn't forgotten. I've been looking forward to it for days.

       "Yeah, he texted me earlier from Paris," I say, getting a bit giddy just thinking about it. We'll be together.  Alone. "Why isn't he coming here first?"

       "Because I'll be going straight to Chelsea from the train station. I can't be fucked dropping him here first."

       "Such brotherly love..." I mumble, pulling my coat and scarf on.  

       "He knows his way to the bar; it's fine. You can keep each other entertained."

       Of course, I have no problem with Ichi coming to the bar. That means I can spend more time with him.

       "Have fun at Andrei's," I say, poking my tongue at Dora from the doorway.

       He scowls at me before smiling a little as I leave, my feet almost skipping their way down the street.

       The hours pass slowly. It's not all too quiet, the odd regular having a couple of pints on their way home from work and a few small groups of students, so it really shouldn't be passing so slow. I know it's because I'm clock watching.  Stop looking at the goddamn clock!

       I turn to distract myself with a customer by greeting them happily before I realise who it is.

      There in the doorway, wrapped in a thick maroon scarf and black duffle coat, with sharp eyes and the face of a movie star, stands a smiling Ichiro holding a small overnight bag.

       "Nana!" He shuffles over to the bar. "How are you?"

       I don't know what to say. My silent body traps me suddenly, and I'm unable to get out. I stare at Ichi, an uncontrollable smile stuck on my face, my heart beating furiously in my chest.

       "All the better for seeing you," I say with a cheeky wink, managing somehow to pull myself together. "How was the flight?"

       "Like Hell," he laughs, pulling his coat off. "Can I please please have a beer?"

       I grab a glass and a bottle from the fridge. Ichi tries to hand me a fiver, but I wave his hand away.  "Kikuchi's don't pay at this bar."

       He grins back at me. "I'll have to come here again!"

       I see Fox out of the corner of my eye, and she runs towards Ichi. "Oh my God, Ichi!"  

       He hugs her, petting her head. "Did you get smaller?"

      "Did you get more handsome?" She asks, embarrassingly forward. She is ridiculously transparent.

       Ichi laughs. "I don't think so." Fox smiles and darts away shyly, and Ichi turns to me, shaking his head. "She's so cute."

       If only Fox knew he speaks this way towards his brother, too.

       "That's one word for it," I whisper, giggling.  Obvious. That's what I would call Fox.

       The night passes much quicker now; the customers thin out considerably, and before I know it, it's just Ichi and a couple in the corner. Fox has long since disappeared into the backroom to sort out paperwork, and I've taken the opportunity to have a drink or two myself.

        More than ever, I know I am falling for Ichi. Over the year that we've been in touch, inside jokes have formed, shared conspiracies and common interests discussed. We even watch the same shows. The connection is beyond question. But it's painfully apparent what team he plays for, and I'm not on the roster.

       "What time does this place close, anyway?" Ichi says, four beers deep.

       Before I can tell him he's got another hour, a familiar face pops around the door.

       "Is there still time to get a drink?" my brother says, a sly smile forming on his lips. He strides over and sits down next to Ichi. "Hello." His voice has the hint of alcohol-fuelled seduction, and there's a glimmer in his eyes as he looks Ichiro over with a discerning gaze.

       "Hey," Ichi says back, in a very similar way.

       My heart sinks as I stare at the two of them gazing at each other.

       "This is Panda, my brother," I offer to Ichi, emphasising the word, but it seems he's barely paying attention to me now. "Panda, this is Ichi... Dora's brother." 

       I'm kind of used to people forgetting I'm here when Panda is around given he's much more friendly, attractive, and beguiling than I could ever be, and I'm generally okay with that. But this time, it's like being struck by a sock full of pebbles.

       "Hi," Panda says, still eyeing him. "I don't see much resemblance."

       "Oh, is that so?" Ichi replies, leaning his elbow on the bar.

       I feel like a kid watching another kid playing with an expensive toy that I could never afford. The immediate attraction between them is unmistakable, and my stomach trembles as I look at them both realise it.

       "Panda, don't you have classes tomorrow? Or like, a Skype call with your sweetheart?"

       It's a cheap shot. I know.

       Panda turns his head slowly towards me with a murderous look. "No," he says through gritted teeth.

       "Oh, you have a girlfriend?" Ichi says, sounding a little surprised.

       Panda looks back at him, looking defeated and a bit more sober. "Boyfriend. He lives in New York."

         I feel better as I watch them now.

       "That must really suck," Ichi says, but I can tell he's trying to not sound happy about it.

       "Mmm..." Panda gives me a sideways glare. "I should go. Nana's right, I have classes tomorrow."

       I can't refrain from grinning and throwing him a cheery wave as he bids us both goodnight and leaves.

       "Your brother seems nice," Ichi utters before taking a sip from his beer.

       "Yeah, he's... something." I smile at him, and he laughs a little.  

       Disaster narrowly avoided.