PANDA
At two in the morning, my body still tingles from the feeling of Ichi on me, inside me. I'm half-conscious, worn out from the last god knows how many uninterrupted hours of indulgence.
Ichi's body felt amazing. In every way. "Let me be your Holy Grail," I'd said, pushing him onto the couch. We never made it to the bed.
So many fireworks, frissons, explosions... I've never had it like that before. I've never felt so adored or desired as Ichi made me believe. It was like it was our last night on earth and we needed to make the most of each other. Everything he did was perfect as if we'd done it a hundred times and he knew me inside out. I felt instantly addicted to his love.
But as my eyes are slowly opening to the darkened room - with only the light of a street lamp streaming through the window - I see Ichi pulling on his clothes.
I sit up, the throw falling off my naked body.
"Are you just going to leave?" My voice feels hoarse from the alcohol and hours of bliss. Not even R could make me moan that much.
He turns his face towards me but doesn't let his eyes gaze at me. "I figured I fulfilled my purpose," he says, his voice dark and painful. "To make you feel wanted."
"Don't say that..." I reach and touch his arm, my heart sinking. "It's late." I grab the t-shirt in his hands before he can put it on. "You should stay over."
"We shouldn't do this."
"Well, we've already started it so..." The fabric slips from my hands and onto the floor. I'm not ready for this night to finish. I'm not prepared to not be near Ichi. "We should just make the most of it."
"Panda, this isn't..." Right? "This isn't you."
"You said you couldn't ever leave me." I pull him close to me. "That you'd hold me..."
"That was a hypothetic situation," he whispers to me as he leans in.
I smile at him, touching his chest. "Make it real."
ANDREI
Fuck. No. What have I done?
What. Have. I. Done.
I couldn't stop it. I couldn't restrain myself. The weed made me so much less inhibited than usual, made Dora all that more enticing. And I knew, I knew he couldn't play the game. But I just wanted to hear him say that he wanted to do at least one of them with me.
But that kiss. A desire for me radiated from him, and I ached for it. And damn, it was a good kiss. I wanted him so badly. I wanted him to want me.
I didn't go home straight away.
Instead, I wandered around Camden mindlessly for maybe an hour before I got a taxi back to Chelsea.
The house was in darkness when I arrived, Petra having already retired for the night.
And then I went to bed.
I didn't sleep. Every time I shut my eyes, all I could see was Dora's face right before I kissed him, so full of love. And then his face when he told me to die.
He meant it, didn't he?
I somehow sleep through the whole morning. Petra doesn't wake me, and Marius is away in Romania for another two weeks. I would do anything for him to be here.
I grab my phone and compose a text to Dora:
- Please, Dora, I'm sorry. Can we just forget about this?
And then I delete it and try again:
- Please talk to me.
Send.
Almost as if on cue, Fox's face pops up on the screen.
"Hello?"
"Hi, baby," she says sweetly. "What's up? You didn't turn up last night."
"Yeah, sorry. I... didn't feel so well, so I just stayed at home."
She's silent on the other end.
"Hello?"
"I'm here." Her voice is flat. "What was wrong?"
"I don't know; I think I ate something --"
"You're full of shit!" she yells. "You're both full of shit."
I blink. "Pardon?"
"Dora told me you two fell out."
I shut my eyes, glad she can't see my face because I'm sure my guilt is written all over it. "Right."
"What happened? Dora's called in sick for god knows how long so tell me what the hell you've done."
My heart pains at the thought of him hurting like this.
"I... can't tell you," I say slowly.
"Yes, you can. Tell me right now, or I swear to god --"
"Fox. I really can't. All I can say is that we did have a fight, and it was terrible and..." My voice goes thick as I feel tears brewing in my eyes. "I messed up, Foxy."
She's quiet as I gently sob into the phone. I can hear her breathing.
"Say something."
"Why do you do this?" I can hear the frustration in her voice. "How long are you going to keep isolating yourself?"
"Foxy --"
"No, Andrei. Dora is not like the rest of us. He makes out he's hard and can take anything you throw at him. But he can't. So whatever you've done, you need to fix it somehow."
"I don't think I can."
She sighs. "I'll give Dora a couple of days, and I'll go see him. But I swear to god, I will never forgive you if you've hurt him."
She hangs up on me, leaving me in a sea of self-hatred.
For four days, I periodically send him text messages, begging him to contact me, but each one goes unanswered. I even text Nana, but the response is vague.
- He's not feeling great, Andrei.
I just want to see him. I don't even know what I'd say to him to even begin to try and fix this. Why do I have to ruin everything? I promised myself I wouldn't do this... I wouldn't touch him; I wouldn't try to break down that wall he has.
I didn't know. I didn't realise I'd already broken it down. I didn't think all I had to do was take that little step further...
I'm such a fucking prick.
It's around four o'clock when Fox calls me. I'm surprised to see her face on the screen again, given I assumed she was pretty much done with me - or she will be when she finds out what happened.
"I didn't think you'd call me again."
"I went to see Dora."
My heart drops. "And? Is he okay?"
"How could you do that?"
"I didn't mean to; I didn't think it would --"
"Come on, are you seriously telling me you didn't know that he likes you? Have you not seen the way he looks at you? Or how upset he is when you don't talk to him for days?"
My heart hurts. I had noticed, but I didn't think it was real, didn't believe Dora would really feel like that. I didn't know it went as deep as all that. I told myself I wouldn't go there and that I shouldn't because he's precious to me. But I just had to do it anyway, didn't I?
"So to answer your question, he's not okay. He's really not okay."
"I don't know what to do."
"You can keep away from him. For a little while at least."
"What?"
"You heard me. Andrei, I love you, but I also love Dora, and he needs someone to take care of him. So you need to stay away."
I can feel it. That sensation of being abandoned, having my heart ripped from my chest.
"Fox, I don't have any other friends."
"You should have thought about that before you broke Dora's heart."
We say our painful goodbyes and hang up, not sure when we'll next speak to or see each other.
It takes a few hours for Fox's order to sink in. This can't be how it ends. I can't let that be the last time I ever speak to Dora, him telling me to die. This can't be the end.
DORA
I spend the next four days in bed. Andrei has sent me numerous messages, but I've ignored them all. Fox's too. How long before people start to think I'm dead?
Nana has been beneficial... He fetches me tea and rice at regular intervals, trying to make me eat, but the food often goes uneaten. He's acting very mumsy.
He's at work right now, though, doing the lunch shift, and I'm feeling incredibly lonely. And kind of disgusting. I haven't showered the whole four days I've been bedridden. How Nana has put up with it, I will never know.
Suddenly there's a knock at the door. Who the fuck is bothering me? I think to myself, hoping Nana has just forgotten his keys.
"Hold on!" I say, fumbling with the lock on the door.
"Hey," a very tanned and tattooed figure says.
It's not Nana. It's Fox.
"What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be at the bar?"
"Eh, aren't you going to let me in?"
I sigh, roll my eyes, and open the door further for her to enter. She slips off her little shoes and goes straight to sit on my bed. I'm very aware of how dirty the room is, teacups and half-empty rice bowls everywhere and how much it all - and myself - probably smells. I sit next to her. Neither of us speaks for a little while.
I shuffle awkwardly in my jogging trousers and Jack Daniels t-shirt. "Should I... make some tea?"
"No, you should tell me what the hell is going on with you."
No beating around the bush then, hey Foxy?
"Nothing. Nothing is going on with me."
She breathes in a sharp lungful of stale, smoky air. "Andrei told me what happened."
Well, fuck. My head falls into my hands. "Holy shitting Christ."
"But I'd like to hear your side of the story," Fox says. "I know Andrei can be a little dramatic."
"Fuck... Shit..."
She says nothing, waiting.
I can't look at her, only listen to her breathing, expectant for more words. I suspected Andrei would tell her. He's always telling her things he shouldn't.
"I... don't even know what to say," I say finally. "Andrei shouldn't have kissed me in the first--"
"He what?"
... She fucking trapped me. "Andrei didn't tell you anything, did he? You lying shit!"
"I just wanted to know what happened, but..."
I stand from the bed. "Please leave!"
"No!" She stares up at me, her big eyes full of concern and confusion. "Dora... you like him, don't you?"
"No! I don't fucking like him!" I yell back at her. "I fucking hate him!"
The eye contact is intense right now. There's a pregnant silence standing between us.
And then the tears come.
Floods of them.
I turn away from her, facing the window.
She's behind me now, wrapping her arms around my waist. "Dora baby... what happened?" She strokes my belly as I sniff and splutter (so attractive), and my soul tears apart.
"I don't even know..." I can barely get the words out. I don't want to say them, I want them to stay locked away, but I feel like a gate has been opened and now all the feelings are escaping. "One minute he was teasing me about being a virgin, the next he was fucking... kissing me... and I didn't push him away, and I fucking..."
"I thought you weren't... about that life," she says, softly.
I laugh through the tears. "Yeah, I wasn't. I don't know what happened."
"I can't believe he actually kissed you."
"It was just for a joke but... suddenly we were like kissing, you know, and I thought..." and then the embarrassment emerges. "I'm such a fucking idiot!"
She doesn't say anything, only strokes my back, but her unusual quietness unnerves me.
"Why aren't you saying anything?"
"It's nothing," she says slowly.
I'm spinning around to face her. "You can't make me bare all to you and then not say anything."
She's biting her lower lip, looking away like she can't make eye contact. "Dora..."
"What?"
"Marius isn't Andrei's guardian."
She's saying more, but I can't hear her. My heart is being crippled by the metaphorical bricks of my life crashing down around me. Bricks. Bricks fucking everywhere.
How the hell can this even be real? Andrei is half his age, and his heart is too cold and hard to love anyone but himself...
Like a zombie, I walk back towards the bed and sit, staring numbly ahead of me. Fox is no longer speaking.
"Marius is... his..." I'm too shocked to even feel anything, other than shock. "Can I even say Boyfriend? He's like a hundred years old."
"I'm sorry, Dora."
"Seriously, though, isn't Marius like practically his dad?"
"Dora..." Fox sits down next to me.
"And if he loves him so fucking much, why the hell does he fuck around? Is he just checking his dick still works?"
"Dora..." She puts an arm around me as I fall into her. "I'm so sorry..."
Fox leaves shortly after, letting me soak in my new misery. I decide to finally shower. Fuck Andrei. Fuck him. The hot water runs through my hair, and I already start feeling better.
But then I remember that kiss. That amazingly hot kiss. I can't help but feel a rush of sentiment (and, I'll admit, arousal) towards Andrei... I've never hated him more than I do right now but... I'm still so terribly in love with him.
I rest my face against the cold tiles and think about mochi cakes until my erection goes down.
It's half eight when I finish putting clean sheets on the bed and start cleaning the last of the dishes. The smell was really getting to me, and now I feel a hundred times better. I change Nana's sheets too, as a way of saying thanks for his mumsiness. He texts to tell me he won't be home until after ten, and I have a horrific image of him and Andrei together. Because who even knows anymore. Maybe he's just making his way through the group now. Perhaps he's running out of bar rats to fuck.
With the flat clean, I make to give Fox a call and let her know I'll be at work tomorrow, but then there's a knock at the door.
Who the fuck could that even be at this time of night?
"... Who is it?" I call through the door, learning from earlier.
"Um... It's Andrei."
Fuck. No. I am not prepared for this in any way. "Fuck off," I say surprisingly weakly.
"Please let me in, Doradora..."
I can't. I can't let Andrei in. If I let him in, I'll break down again, and I really don't want that to happen.
But...
I seem to go outside of myself. I'm opening the door, and there's Andrei, his hair in a messy bun, looking unbearably cute in an oversized sweater and skinny jeans. He smiles at me sweetly. It's genuine, and it makes my heart melt.
"It's good to see you," he says.
I'm silent as I step aside to let him in.
We stand in the middle of the room, facing each other. I can't look at Andrei's face, though.
"Dora, I'm--"
"Sorry?"
"Don't be a dick, I didn't come here to fight with you."
Is he fucking kidding me? "If anyone here is a dick, it's you."
"I--!" He stops and sighs. "Okay. Fine, okay. I'm a huge dick, always have been. Happy?" He stares at me exasperated. "Why did you suddenly freak out?" he says after a long pause.
"Why did you kiss me?" The rage boils up immediately.
"I don't know, I was fucking high!"
I can feel my teeth grinding. Andrei's words hit me. "Thanks."
"Dora, come on--"
"Okay, so you kissed me as an impulsive joke, part of your stupid game, I get it. But why the hell did you have to fucking... make me think it was okay to kiss you back?"
He's looking at me, but I can't meet his stare.
"I don't know." He's like a schoolboy all of a sudden.
"I didn't think I would be just... a fuck to you."
"God, you're not... you wouldn't be. That's not even what I meant when I..."
I can feel the tears coming again. I want to say "Well, I wouldn't be your love, would I?" but I can't do it. I swear I've cried more in these last five days than I have in my entire life. But I fight it. There's a painfully long silence between us. Until my mouth decides to work without my permission. "Why... why not me?"
The question strikes us both unarmed. Did those words seriously just come out of my mouth? Trust me to continue thinking out loud. I see the anger rise in Andrei as he misunderstands my question (given he's not a mind reader.)
"I don't get you, you say you don't want to be just a fuck to me, and then you ask me why I haven't tried with you?" He throws his arms up in the air. "What the hell, Dora? Which is it? Because I can't--"
"Are you really that self-obsessed, Andrei?"
Suddenly, the air of anger between us weakens. I'm so exhausted. I'm so done with being mad.
It seems he feels the same. Amid all these unanswered questions, Andrei's shoulders slacken, and his face takes on a more forlorn expression. He sighs heavily.
"I honestly didn't know your feelings, not for sure anyway, or I never ever would have flirted with you, and I definitely wouldn't have kissed you... I'm so so sorry it got out of control like that. I shouldn't have done that to you..."
"But you'll do it with complete strangers." Why am I saying all this, why why why, sweet Lord? Turn it off! "Am I not good looking enough?"
Am I too young for you?
He looks plainly confused by this entire conversation. To be honest, so am I. I can no longer control the words coming out of my mouth. "Dora --"
"Don't you fucking Dora me, okay?" I cross my arms. "Tell me. What the hell is wrong with me?" It's coming: offensive words. Something so awful is emerging, and I can't stop them. "Or is it because there's nothing in it for you?"
I'm regretting it instantly. Why why why the fuck did I say that. I wait anxiously for a response.
But he says nothing, just stares at me with pain in his eyes. I've obviously hit a nerve.
And of course, I go on the defensive. "Just get out, okay?"
"Dora, let me at least try -"
I walk towards the door to open it, but he grabs me by the arm.
"You're my best friend," he says, holding my arm, not terribly gentle. "I'd rather have you in my life forever than just for one night. And if I was to..." He pauses, looking to the ground. "I can't... give you what you want."
I know what he's saying: he can only give me one night. I just want him to tell me straight, that he's in love without me. But you can't handle the truth, can you Dora?
"You think I've not thought about it? Ever since I met you, since that night in the bar, I've wanted to. I mean, come on, you're hot as fuck. And you are such an asshole, I immediately liked you." He's holding me by my shoulders now. "Why haven't I tried with you? Because I care about you so much. I can deal with having all those other guys in my life for like a second and then never see them again. But you... if I couldn't see you every day, I don't know what I would do. But I can't... I can't do both. The other night, I couldn't stop myself. And I should have."
I'm staring up at his face. His perfect face. There's no mischevious sparkle in his eyes, there's no sarcastic smirk on his lips. This is the most Real I've ever seen him. He's trying to let me down gently, but it hurts. It's hurting me so much.
"Andrei, I can't..." It catches in my throat. I don't want to say it, but I have to. "We can't be... we can't be friends anymore."
His face kind of crumbles as what I say registers. I'm breaking up with you. But I've never wanted to kiss him so badly. I want to tell him that I know about Marius, but I can't bring myself to say the words... to say that name. It would make it all too real, too material.
"Dora, please don't be like that." His voice is nearly a whisper. "If we're not friends anymore, then..." I notice just how close he is. His hands move to my face. "I won't be able to... control myself."
I know I should push him away, out the door, latch the lock and hide in my bed forever, but... the feel of his hands is so comforting I can't even begin to explain. It's like all I've ever wanted is to feel his hands on my face. I know he wants to kiss me, more than that probably, even though it's just because he knows I want him to. I won't be able to control myself, either. He knows he can have me now if he wants. But I can't have him.
His lips are right there, only millimetres in front of mine. If I kiss him, then that's it... friendship well and truly over.
Push him away, send him home, forget about him, I'm saying over and over in my head. Just do it.
Either way, it's over.
And then he's kissing me. He devours me, and I desperately hold on to him. He pulls my body closer to him, wrapping me up. I don't want to stop him. We stay in place, in the centre of the room, our mouths playing needily with each other, all tongues, metal and nibbling teeth.
I know he's not doing this because he loves me, but because he can. And I don't even care right now that I love him and he only wants sex. My body responds greedily to his affections as he kisses down my neck, his hands tugging at my hair. It's easy for him to know what to do to me.
He starts pushing me toward my bed, but I stop him. "Andrei, we can't..."
"Please," he whispers into my ear. "Let me do this for you." And then his lips are on my lobe, and I'm tingling. My pants feel incredibly tight and restricting, and I just want them off.
He's lying on me now, between my legs, the heat of his body making me sweat. Our mouths and tongues search ardently for each other, hands travelling to, but not reaching, all sorts of places. I can feel him grinding against me as my hands reach for the skin under his sweater. I don't know what I want to happen, or what I'm supposed to do, but my fingers have a mind of their own. They reach for the buttons on his jeans, hurriedly grasping. I hear him sigh as they slip underneath the denim fabric, and under his boxers.
What am I doing what am I doing!
Andrei's lips pull away from mine, and he buries his face into my neck. His little sighs make my touches rougher, and I suddenly feel his teeth on my neck, sending all kinds of shivers over my body. Why does this feel so good...
"Wait...wait..." he's saying, his voice a strained whisper. "Stop."
He's pulling at my t-shirt, and suddenly it's off and on the floor. He tears his sweater off, sending it to join mine, and he's on me again, our bare skin touching, our lips almost fighting with each other. My hands find their way to his hair, tugging it from whatever it is that's holding it up, and it falls over a shoulder. He looks down at me, taking my face in his hand, and kisses me roughly before pushing me back down on the bed.
His mouth travels down my neck and over my chest, and I'm suddenly very aware of where it's headed. I must be in some kind of a shock because I want to stop him, I want to stop his lips touching... that place. I feel embarrassed as he pulls at my pants, and I cover my face with my hands.
And then it's happening. I can feel Andrei's tongue bar, and I'm trying so hard to keep quiet as his mouth moves up and down. My hips lift without my consent, and feeling the back of his throat sends an electric heat through me. His fingernails claw lightly at my hips, which only adds to the sensation of the inside of his mouth. I can feel that warm pressure slowly building, like when I'm alone but ten thousand times more intense, and I don't think I'll be able to stop it. It only takes a few minutes. I grip the sheets, my body writhing as if to escape as the heat shoots through my core.
"Aah--!"
Oh.
I close my eyes, letting the shame and embarrassment wash over me, and my hands cover my face again. Please don't look at me...
I feel Andrei crawl up the bed, kissing my belly as he goes, but suddenly I can't stand him touching me. I cringe inwardly as I turn away from him, pulling my pants up.
"Hey, what's wrong..?"
I say nothing, curling my knees up towards my stomach. What just happened?
"Dora, hey..." He touches my shoulder.
"Please don't..."
Was that my voice? It sounds so frail and quiet like it might shatter.
The awkwardness is consuming me and I can't look at him, can't move. I can't even think rational thoughts. I just want to be by myself.
Silence. He doesn't move. It's hitting him, what just happened. I can just picture him, staring at my naked back, wishing he hadn't come over, thinking it wasn't worth it.
I shouldn't have let him do that.
"I'm sorry."
This time, it's me, apologising, my voice a cracked whisper. I'm caught between wanting Andrei to leave and wanting him to stay, but my mouth makes up my mind for me. "You should go."
"I'm not leaving you... like this."
Like what? The damage is fucking done.
"Just... go. Please."
I can feel myself starting to cry, silently but it's still embarrassing.
This time, he doesn't argue. I listen to him as he grabs his shirt and shoes (when did he even take his shoes off?) It's an agonising wait.
Finally, the door opens and shuts, and I know he's gone.
But the tears still fall just as silently.
No comments:
Post a Comment