(Strong language!)
NANA
By Monday, I am too emotionally exhausted to be dealing with work. I spent all last week fixing Panda and Ichi's relationship that I've barely had time to think, and now Fox has asked me to do a double shift, and I'm not exactly willing to spend eleven hours at work today.
As I arrive through the back doors, Fox greets me cheerfully.
"How's my Nana today?"
"Shit."
She looks at me, sceptically. "Nana, I've let you have loads of time off lately. And we're short-staffed. Please don't complain."
I give her a fake smile which seems enough for her as she potters away to check paperwork.
It's a slow day. Only two hours in and I'm already severely losing the will to live. Panda and Tamaki are in class, Ichi is at work, and I don't think Maki wants to talk to me.
I'd gone to his dad's house on Saturday for casual practice. I hadn't spoken to Maki since Tuesday when he'd left my flat in a hurry, and I missed him, so I'd been looking forward to it.
Turns out, Tamaki had cancelled because Amber needed an emergency dental operation (he'd got a bit cocky while twirling his drumstick in the air and it hit him in the face, chipping three of his teeth). Unfortunately, no one had thought to mention it to me, and I was already on my way over.
Tamaki answered the door and immediately began apologising. "I tried calling you, but I guess you were already on the subway... I'm so sorry you've come all this way for nothing."
I let out a sigh. "What a waste of money... you know I'm not made of the stuff. Like you are."
"Well, we could just jam instead? Write a new song? You'll have to drag Maki inside though."
As I headed inside, Tamaki led me through a passageway I'd never been down before. "What do you mean?" I asked.
"He's in the pool house -"
"You have a pool house?!"
Tamaki laughed. "Yeah, have you never wondered what that building across the garden is?"
I gawked at him as we came out a door and onto a large patio outside. "Honestly, I thought it was a neighbour's house."
"Well, it's a pool house," he said, laughing. "You can go. Maki won't come out for me but he probably will for you."
By the time I was pushing the pool house door open, I'd almost got used to the idea of them being so excruciatingly rich that they had an indoor pool in a separate building that was the size of my parents' entire house. But as I stepped inside and looked around, I was blown away again.
It reminded me of something you'd see in a spa or a roman bathhouse, all sandy coloured brick and gold sconces lining the walls, illuminating the room with a warm and relaxing light.
"Maki?" I called out anxiously.
I glanced toward the pool, a giant oval of water right in the middle of the room, and saw a black shadow emerge from the water. My heart was pounding, and I felt a scream brewing in my lungs until Maki's face appeared from behind a mass of wet hair.
"Oh, Nana, what are you doing here?"
He seemed caught off guard.
"I didn't get the cancellation memo, so I came all this way for nothing..."
I watched him swim to the side of the pool and lift himself out with ease and grace.
"I was... wondering..."
I could feel my voice trailing off as Maki grabbed a towel and ran it through his hair. I didn't stop myself glancing over his body, the pool water dripping down his skin.
That's what he's been hiding under his clothes? I thought to myself. Jesus...
I tried not to stare, but I couldn't take my eyes off him: the muscle of his stomach, the tone of his arms and legs. I could see just how far his little star tattoos ran, and I felt an immediate need to trace them with my lips.
I was surprised.
For some reason, I always assumed his baggy sweaters were hiding something more feminine, like Dora. But what Maki lacked in confidence, he more than made up for it in sexiness. While his body was slim, still tapering in at the waist, it was toned and firm - not too much, just utterly perfect. Even in his baggy swim shorts, I could tell even his backside was toned to perfection.
"I didn't know you swam," I said, my eyes still glancing over Maki's physique.
"Yeah, I used to do it every day, but since I started Uni, I only have time to run a bit."
Eventually, I tore my eyes away and looked at his face. "Do you want to write stuff with us?"
My throat was dry, the words sounding forced. I felt like a schoolboy all of a sudden, almost too entranced to focus, wishing I'd spent more time checking out his bum when he walked in front of me.
And then I started to feel like a pervert. Luckily, Maki agreed to come jam in a few minutes, and I left quickly because if I'd stood there any longer, I might have had a bit of a problem.
But he'd seemed so off with me, barely looking at me the entire time, saying as little as possible to me and only when he had to.
I scroll through my phone to see if there's anyone I can beg to come and visit the bar, but it only reiterates how little friends I have.
My thumb hovers over Andrei's name.
Fuck. Why did I have to be so stupid?
But then I think of him with Maki, and what he might do. The thought of him breaking Maki's heart destroys me much more than what he did to Dora. And I could see what his intentions were as soon as I saw them together.
I shouldn't have challenged him.
At first, I assume I'm just thinking so hard that my brain is creating images in front of me. But then I realise, no that actually is Andrei appearing at the door. Think of the devil.
He looks at me suspiciously. "You're not gonna ban me, are you?"
"No," I murmur. "Actually, I -"
Before I can finish what I'm about to say, Maki comes in after Andrei. He looks at me, and gives me the faintest of smiles, but it's kind of like he's looking right through me.
"Yeah?" Andrei asks, smiling.
My mouth is open like I'm about to say something, but it's as if the whole English language has entirely left me and I internally wonder if I could say it in Japanese he'd understand.
I feel like a fish gawking at them, unable to form words or breathe or do anything productive, really. Oh god, please, let the floor open up and swallow me whole.
Suddenly, Maki speaks through the mist of awkwardness. "I'll go get a seat," he says, a quiet aura surrounding him.
I want to reach out and pull him back, but I see Andrei briefly touch his arm and a flare of anger burns through me.
I take a deep breath. Cool it, Nana. You were about to apologise for being a twat, remember?
"Andrei, I need to..." Oh god, why is this so hard? "To apologise. For being a twat."
He looks at me with wide eyes. And then his eyebrows furrow together before a smirk dances on his lips. "Which time?"
I refrain from reacting. "Both."
Andrei nods. "Honestly, it's okay. Let's just... forget everything, alright?"
"Really?"
"Yeah. I'm sorry too."
I nod. There's a short silence between us as we gaze at each other. "Two beers?"
Andrei smiles. "Yeah. Please."
As I fill the glasses to the top carefully, I try my hardest not to look over at Maki. I want to - God, do I want to - but I'm worried I'll stop functioning correctly. It seems he has that effect on me these days.
Seeing them together gives me a strange, nervous feeling like something is slipping through my fingers. This thought isn't helped by Maki's complete disregard for my presence, and how he's looking intently at Andrei as he speaks, like what he's saying is the most exciting thing he's ever heard.
I watch him, smiling and laughing with the red-haired temptress and I can't stop the stinging sensation in my chest.
I feel like it's the end of the world, like whatever God up there is making fun of me. For the whole day, there are barely any customers - not even Panda and Ichi, but I suppose they're still "making up" - and I have to watch Andrei and Maki in the corner and bring them beer and pretend I'm not fizzing inside.
Fox comes through from the back. "Oh, your friend Maki is here?" she asks, somewhat unnecessarily.
I point to the corner.
"Great, I wanted to ask him something -"
"What? Why?"
"I wanted to ask if you'd play here again."
"Why can't you ask me?" I say, not hiding my dejectedness very well.
She stares at me, dumbfounded. "Because Maki makes the decisions, doesn't he?"
"Eh, no, actually." I cross my arms. "Tamaki does."
She rolls her eyes at me, sighing. "I don't know what your problem is lately, but you're pissing me off something awful."
Fox walks away from me and over to Maki and Andrei's table, sliding in next to the latter.
I try my best to eavesdrop without actually being within earshot, my brain making up each side of the conversation. But as I watch Maki smile and nod, I realise that my version of his reaction is horribly wrong.
I don't know why I don't want to play here again. I don't know why I suddenly feel sick, or why I can't bear to be near any of them anymore. And knowing I can't even get away is making it worse.
Fox eventually comes back to the bar.
"He's agreed!"
"When were you thinking?" I ask, trying to sound interested and not at all nauseated.
"Well, I asked for this weekend, expecting him to say no, given the short notice --"
"Like, really short notice," I say, hopefully not looking as horrified as I feel. "We won't even have time to advertise."
"You've got four days..." Fox says, smiling. "But he has to check with Tamaki."
Knowing damn well Tamaki will jump at the chance, I inwardly curse at her. For fuck's sake...
A little while later, I watch Andrei and Maki both stand to leave. I'd been primarily eyeing them all night, hoping they'd leave but now that they are, the fear hits me again. It's still early, where the hell are they going?
Andrei waves at me amiably as he walks by and I look to Maki hopefully. But he barely even looks at me.
It hurts me in a way I'm not sure I've felt before.
The band has three late-night practises, to prepare for Friday. Honestly, I really can't be bothered doing another gig so soon after the last, and I don't really understand why Tamaki and Maki agreed to do it.
I arrive at the house a little after ten p.m, the night before the gig, and we all immediately get to work.
"I've been thinking," Tamaki says, a wandering looking his eye. "You guys remember that song we did? The first one with Nana."
Amber nods. "Yes! We've not done anything with that."
"I was thinking, since it's so soon after our last gig, we should mix this one up a bit and maybe have it as the last song."
Maki interjects. "It's way too slow and depressing."
"Exactly," Amber says. "It'll be a befitting way to end the set."
"How so?" Maki crosses his arms like a petulant child.
Tamaki nudges him. "What the hell is wrong with you?"
I swear I catch him glance at me before he answers. "Nothing, I just think it's too slow."
"But it was like... our Welcome To The Band, Nana song."
Maki rolls his eyes with disdain.
"Let's just do something else," I say, feeling utterly rejected.
Tamaki looks at me. "No, I think it'd be really nice if was just vocals and guitars -"
"I'm sorry, what?" Maki interrupts him again. "No."
"I'm older, so I make the decisions, and I say we're doing it."
They glare at each other for a few seconds before Maki abruptly stands. "Fuck this."
And he storms out of the room.
Tamaki lets out a growl, his head in his hands. "I swear to god, it's like having a fucking toddler in the band," he mumbles before following after his brother, leaving Amber and me exchanging worried glances.
MAKI
I don't make it to my bedroom before Tamaki catches up to me.
"What the hell is your problem? Are you on your man-period or something? You've been a fucking nightmare lately."
I turn to him, glaring darkly at him. "I. Can't. Do. This."
He stares at me, his previously angry eyes growing concerned. "Why?"
I want to start ripping my own hair out to show him just how distressed I am, but instead, I just grab it and walk into my bedroom. Tamaki follows and closes the door behind us.
"I can't. I can't do this whole pretending I'm okay with Nana thing. I just can't. It's too hard."
I can feel myself getting hysterical, and Tamaki is staring at me.
"I can't sing that song with him. Just him."
"I think you're wrong."
I gaze at him, completely thrown off guard.
"What do you mean I'm wrong?"
"I think... I think he has feelings for you, and you're just too blind to notice."
"He kicked me out of his flat last week because of his precious Ichiro -"
"No, you voluntarily left. I bet Nana begged you to stay."
I must look guilty because Tamaki gives me that look that says "I knew it".
"I think it would be more intimate if -"
"Please don't use that word, it's creepy."
"Okay," he says, the stress in his eyes very evident now. "I think it would be... profound. Like, the night in the graveyard when he played Nothing Compares 2 U, and you sang for him, and he cried."
"I wish I'd never told you about that," I spit at him. "I knew it would bite me in the ass." I pause. "I have mixed feelings about that night now and I'd rather you didn't bring it up again, ever."
"Maki, you're acting like such a fucking bratty child about all this. Honestly, I think it would be amazing if you two did the song together." He holds his arms out to me as if to embrace me. "Please. For me."
"Fine!" I cry out through a growl. "But if it all goes to hell, I'm blaming it all on you."
I storm my way back to the studio and Tamaki runs after me, almost skipping.
"We're doing the song!" he practically sings into the room.
Amber claps towards Tamaki as if to applaud him for his manipulation skills while Nana and I exchange a look. Only, he's staring at me like I've just kicked him in the stomach and I want to throw up.
Friday night comes much too quick. I'm completely unprepared, physically and emotionally. Nana and I have rehearsed the last song only once, last night after Tamaki insisted we do it, which has been the only other time we've ever played it. I'm starting to freak out.
Tamaki brings me a shot of God knows what while Amber and Nana are setting up before Fox lets people in.
"Here, drink this. It'll give you courage."
I take it in one foul sip, the liquid burning my throat as it trickles down. "Jesus, what was that?"
"You don't need to know." He smirks at me. "I think you're worrying about nothing. Why are you so panicked about this gig?"
I glare at him. "You know why."
Tamaki just laughs at me. "I really don't. Why are you fighting me?"
"Because you're meddling! I don't need your help with this. You should be more concerned with your own damn love life."
He shakes his head and leaves me in the corner with my empty shot glass and my lyric sheet. I feel like it's completely pointless to be looking at it since I'll have forgotten it by the time the last song rolls around anyway. My stomach is knotted, and I feel green.
I stare at the sheet mindlessly, not taking anything in at all.
"It's harder than it should be,
my shell is hard to seal.
He glances behind to see me
but none of this is real.
You're not all that I fear.
I can't hate you, I can explain.
And I can't make it clear
all you cause; my heart in pain."
"Hey," a voice says, making me jump.
"Yes?" I say, not even looking at Nana.
He stutters. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah."
This is hard. This is too hard. How long am I going to have to pretend like this? For the rest of my life?
He lingers next to me, and even though I'm not looking up at him, or even towards him, I can feel him, his energy and his body heat. I can smell his subtle cologne - or maybe it's shower gel or shampoo or deodorant, I don't even know, either way, he smells incredible - and that alone makes me weak for him.
"Are you sure? You've been kind of... off with me since last week."
Last week.
I imagine him and Ichi together, and I feel a intense sadness overwhelm me.
"I said I'm fine."
I sense him retreating, and he doesn't say anything else, just backs away from me. I hate myself for acting like this. I bite the inside of my mouth hard to stop myself from saying anything else. I can feel a storm brewing inside me, like a black sky a few minutes before it bursts with torrential rain and lightning and thunder. And what the hell am I so angry about? Unrequited love or a meddling brother? I'm so tired of being angry, but I can't seem to reign it in. I want him near me, but I don't blame him for running from me.
Amber comes over.
"What is up with you, dude? I've just seen Nana walk away with his tail between his legs."
"Can't I just sit here and cram on my own without someone coming over and disrupting me?"
My voice escapes a lot quieter and calmer than I thought it would, considering how I'm feeling inside.
"I'm seriously worried, Maki," Amber says, his voice matching my volume.
"I'm fine, I just need to be alone to do this. I'm not very confident about it."
Amber looks at me in shock. "What, the song? C'mon, you totally blew us away when you sang it last night. You'll be great. You and Nana have such great chemistry when you perform."
I glance over to Nana just in time to watch him bending over to plug in an amp. My heart flutters, unable to deny such things.
By the time it's eight o'clock, we're all hiding in the back for the place to fill up (which it's doing spectacularly quickly). I've never felt so nervous for a gig as I am for this one.
And as I force my way through the first thirteen songs (nine original songs, four covers), I try to maintain the usual banter with the crowd as well as casually avoiding any flirtatious interaction with Nana. It turns out to be a lot harder than I thought it would be. But I'm acutely aware of my impending doom.
The lights dim, and the pub goes completely quiet. Amber and Tamaki step away from our set up to sit at the bar, leaving Nana and me by ourselves, aglow in the darkened room.
I hold the mic in clammy hands, my heart trembling as I put it on the stand. "To say goodnight and sweet dreams... This is Real."
I don't even look to Nana, as I would usually, to prompt him to start. He just begins, and I follow. I try to forget the room is packed full of people, two of those people being Ichiro and Panda. It's the first time I've seen them together since The Birthday, and they seem to be very cosy in the corner. I dare not look at Nana because I can't stand to see his eyes full of love for someone else, even though I know he's entitled to it.
As I did with the first recording, I open my mouth, and the words flow out smoothly. I can't remember them exactly (all that studying did me little good), so I have to make up a lot of them. But it works, and my voice comes as high and effortlessly as it had done before, only this time I'm overcome with a new kind of pain.
The first time I'd sung this, the words were full of annoyance. But now, they're full of love and suffering and gut-wrenching heartache, and as I push my voice as high as it can go, I feel it all this emotion coming up, and I cry out into the mic.
I step back, letting Nana finish the song instrumentally. I'm sure in the recording, I sang a few more words but I can't. My voice is gone.
I walk through the back immediately, and hide at the stairwell for a minute or so, breathing heavily, trying to hold in my tears. I can hear Tamaki saying goodnight to everyone, and the bar erupts in cheers.
I walk back through the bar, in time to watch Fox clearing out all the under-eighteens and I begin helping Amber and Tamaki unplug everything.
I glance at Nana. He's standing staring at me, in that way he often does when I sing; like he's seen a ghost.
"Are you gonna help, or..?" My voice is harsh yet monotone, all emotions used up now. I'm dehydrated of feeling.
"Sorry..." he mumbles.
We get the set cleared pretty quickly, and all our instruments piled into Amber's van, but as Amber and Nana move to go back inside, I hang back.
Tamaki watches me light a cigarette in disapproval.
"No wonder you were so out of breath tonight."
I don't say anything and inhale deeply.
"For Christ's sake, you need to talk to him. You need to give him a chance."
I want to sarcastically ask who he's talking about, but he'd probably slap the cigarette out of my hand.
"Why? Why are you so invested in this?"
"Because you're miserable and you could be, you know, not miserable." Tamaki stares at me intently as I continue to puff tobacco at him spitefully. "If you don't speak to him, I will."
My mouth drops open as I glare at him. "What? Why?"
"Because you'd be good together."
"You're way too invested in this," I say again, still staring at him darkly.
"I've legitimately never seen you this upset about anything, so yeah I'm pretty invested."
I take an angry drag of my cigarette and throw it on the ground before pushing past him and heading back through to the bar, mentally cursing my brother for his stupid threats and being too judicious.
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