The MaNa (Theo)ry & Other Addictions - Chapter One: in which there are cold hearts & hot beds

Warning: 18+ readers only; this blog is dark and full of terrors!
(Mild sexy scenes)

two months later;

summer

DORA

    Days pass; then weeks. I go to work as usual, and speak to Fox as usual, and ignore girls as usual. Everything is just... usual, and sometimes I feel like that night never even happened.

    But it did. Because Andrei doesn't come to the bar anymore, and Fox doesn't ask why. I've gone back to having no emotions, and Fox doesn't ask me questions, and Nana doesn't ask me questions. Number One doesn't even ask me questions. I'm almost happy.

    Except I'm not.

    I haven't told Fox and Nana that I've bought tickets to go back to Japan. Not permanently, just for a little while, to sort out my head.

    But still, every night, I pray that Andrei will walk through the doors of Black Cat, and it'll be like nothing has changed between us, but at the same time, I pray that he doesn't because everything is different now. It kind of sucks, wanting two things at once. Now I know how he feels.

    I decide I'm going to tell Fox and Nana tonight. That I'm leaving, not the thing that happened with Andrei. I will never tell Fox about that. I'm trying to forget about that.

    It's a Tuesday night, roughly six weeks since I last saw Andrei. I'm waiting for Fox to appear at the flat once she finishes work, but somehow time is going so slow it feels backwards, and I just want this evening to be over.

    I light a cigarette. Nana is lying on his bed, snoozing peacefully. He collapsed on it as soon as he came home from work and he looks peaceful. I feel sorry that I'll be disturbing him in a few minutes

    There's a knock at the door. 

    "Hey!" Fox has a bottle of Babyscham in one hand and vodka in the other. "I thought we could have a little party."

    I laugh a smile-less laugh, my cigarette still hanging from my lips and open the door further for her to enter. She wanders into the kitchen, re-emerging with three glasses. She appears to be hiding her unease with alcohol, but it's not working.

    "It's been ages since we drank together!" She pours the drinks, three parts Babyscham, one part vodka, sounding very enthusiastic, ignoring the elephant of "we". "We" generally consisted of us plus Andrei, and sometimes Panda. I glance at Nana as his eyes slowly open.

    "Rehearsal tomorrow..." he mumbles into his pillow.

    Fox doesn't seem to be listening, or at least she's acting like she's not. She's pretending a lot tonight; I can tell already.

    She hands me a glass, and I hold it between my knees. Why is this so awkward?

    "So..!"

    It's as if she's trying to avoid any silences because we've never really hung out alone like this without Andrei, other than at work. Even if there was constant noise to distract us, Andrei was always the music we wanted to hear.

    It's my turn to make things weird. "I have to tell you something."

    Nana sits up, suddenly alert, and Fox stares at me.

    "What is it..?" Nana says, concerned, and in English for Fox's benefit.

    "Um..." This speech is going to be a lot harder than I thought it would be. I kind of feel like I'm abandoning them both, and they're both looking at me like they're puppies and I'm about to kick them. "I'm moving back to Japan."

    A stunned silence. Fox's mouth drops a little, and Nana looks like he might cry.

    They both make confused noises.

    "Not permanently, just for a few months."

    Fox stands up. "What the fuck! Why?!" She looks halfway between mad and upset. "You can't just leave!"

    "What about rent..."

    "Don't worry; my mum said she'd keep the rent up for me -"

    "Wait, you've already planned this? Properly?" Fox is still mad, but I can see tears in her eyes.

    I say nothing for a long time, and I can't bear the silence. Fox takes a huge mouthful of her drink.

    His voice is small. "When..?"

    "Friday."

    Fox sits back down on Nana's bed, frustrated. "That's three days away."

    "I know, but it's only for three months..."

    A black tear runs down her face.

    "I can't believe you. How could you keep this from us?"

    She's standing again and heading for the door.

    "Hey, Fox, c'mon --!"

    But she's gone. I let my head fall to my hands. I feel Nana's weight next to me on my bed, and then his arm around me.

    "I'm sorry you're leaving." 

ICHI

    It's been one and a half months since I gave in; six weeks of torment; forty-two days of consistent heartache; one thousand and eight hours of weakness; sixty-thousand, four-hundred and eighty minutes of drowning.

    I have fallen for someone who doesn't know love, or heartache, or weakness. He has been eating away at me slowly, painfully, selfishly. And I cannot stop him no matter how hard I try, no matter how many times I tell him "No more. This is it", and no matter how perfectly it hurts to be laying next to him, knowing he'll never really be mine.

    I look at him as he dreams soundly on the pillow beside mine. Even like this, he's burning me. I want to wake him, beg him to break up with his boyfriend and stop doing this to me.  But why bother?

    I turn away, sliding out of bed and pull on my underwear.

    The flat is warm and stuffy, but the kitchen floor is cold on my feet as I walk to the balcony. The night outside is just as hot, and I watch the still busy street below me, a cigarette between my lips, inhaling and exhaling into the darkness, the smoke billowing into the city.

    Three cigarettes later, I hear the door sliding open behind me.

    "Hey..."

    I look over my shoulder as Panda stands between the glass in his underwear and the t-shirt he was wearing when he came over.

    "You're awake," I say, turning back towards the night.

    "What's wrong? It's late." He strokes my shoulder, leaning in close. "Come back to bed."

    I move away from him. "I think I'll just stay out here. You can go back to sleep, though."

    Panda stands still for a second, obviously a bit stunned by my unusual coldness. Generally, my heart tells me to brush him off, and my body does the opposite. Tonight, I'm listening.  Pity, it's a bit late for that.

    "Ichiro."

    I glance at his beautiful face, now masked with pain. "What?"

    "What the hell happened to you between falling asleep and waking up?"

    "Absolutely nothing." I take a long drag, trying to appear aloof but when I exhale, the smoke bounces with my shaky breaths.

    Panda crosses his arms. "You are so much like your brother."

    He walks back through the doors into the kitchen, and I try to stop myself following. I fail.

    "Well, what do you expect?" I'm not even sure I know what he meant by his comment but pretend I do.

    Panda spins around. "You know exactly what this is."

    It's been a couple of weeks since we last had this fight. I figure it's about time for me to bring it up again.

    "Yeah, but that doesn't mean I have to be happy about it."

    Panda sighs and rolls his eyes. "What do you want from me?" He starts pacing the floor, his bare feet pattering on the tiles.  Why do we always have this fight in the kitchen?  "In fact, don't even answer that."

    "Why can't we? Why can't we just be together?" I don't even know why I'm asking this because I get the same answer every time.

    He stops pacing and softens a little, looking at me like he's more sad than angry. "Ichiro."

    I cross my arms and look away, trying to hide the hurting that's attacking my chest. "I know. Theo."

    He walks towards me and wraps his arms around my shoulders. I don't move. "I don't like seeing you like this. Why do we keep having to have this argument? Can't we carry on as we are?" He nudges my face with his nose when I don't say anything.

    I can't even get mad at the fact he knows how to get me to give in. All he has to do is act like this, and I turn into a puddle. I hate how well he seems to know me when I feel like I barely know him at all.

    I shut my eyes at his closeness and warmth, only just resisting the urge to lift my arms to his waist and hold him. Typically by this point in the fight, I've given myself over to him, afraid he'll leave and never come back. I know it would be easy for him to do that, but I don't have the strength. And I don't have it in me to watch him walk away from me, either.

    "Do you feel nothing for me?" I ask quietly. "Am I... Nothing to you?"

    Panda pulls back, holding my face in his beautiful hands. And like always, he answers my questions with questions. "Why would you ask me that?" His fingers curl up into my hair, making me shiver. "How could you think that?"

    Painfully, my heart throbs as I close my eyes again, trying not to look into those hypnotising eyes of his. "Because if I meant something to you, you wouldn't hurt me like this." I take a slow breath. "You wouldn't do this to me."

    Finally, my arms give in and find their way around Panda's waist, pulling his body against mine. I feel his lips on my cheek.

    "I don't want you to let me go," he whispers. "You make me feel hopeless."

    I move away from him and lead him back to the bedroom. Usually, after this argument, we fall into bed and ravage each other greedily, almost angrily, until we can't breathe anymore and we're sore with passion. But tonight, he draws me into his arms and kisses my skin, venturing all over my body with his lips. There's no lust in his touches, only sweetness and attentiveness. I don't fight my need to stop and hold his face and kiss him like I won't ever kiss him again. It's slow, our quiet sighs, our bodies never parting, our lips never far from each other. Has it ever been as gentle and careful as this? And even as that terminal fever overcomes us, I don't fall away from him. He holds to me fast, devouring my lips and my soul and my heart.

    My eyes flicker for the morning light fighting its way through the curtains. I lie motionless between the sheets, waiting to feel Panda's heat from the other side of the bed until I realise he's not even there. At first, I think he's perhaps stepped out for a cigarette. Then I see that his clothes and shoes are gone and it's like he was never even here to begin with.

    I lie back down, trying to control the breaking in my chest. How fucking stupid must I be?  I thought...

    Things changed.

    It takes me half an hour to build up the energy to drag myself from my bed and force myself into the bathroom. My body feels like it's hungover, lacking vital nutrients. But I'm just lacking Panda.

    Panda...

    I resist the powerful urge to text him. My fingers reach for my phone, but I don't allow them to work. I don't let them type the words I desperately want them to.

    This is the end now. This was the last time.

MAKI

    Our guitars melt synchronically. We've perfected our rhythm together, and it's as if a deity matched the melodies. I don't even know what we're playing, but it's as if our minds have become singular and each note one of us plays balances perfectly with the others. I just wish I was writing it all down.

    Tamaki steps into the booth.

    "I know you two are having a great time here," he says, sounding harassed. "But I need you both in the attic."

    He turns without waiting for us, and I look toward Nana just as he makes a face at Tamaki's back before we follow.

    "He must get so annoyed with us," I say, laughing and rolling my eyes.

    "I do because I can't seem to separate you," Tamaki answers. "Amber and I aren't much of a band without you."

    We walk across the hall together, and I fail to resist taking a sly glance at Nana's backside as he strolls in front of me. I swear he wears those tight jeans just to bother me.

    Tonight, we continue rehearsing for our second gig at DancingQueens. Panda was kind enough to get us the first one, and the manager enjoyed our performance so much he wanted us to play again a few weeks later. However, when Panda relayed the message to me that the manager appreciated the homoerotic undertones of mine and Nana's interactions, I became a little self-conscious. 

    "I'm sorry?" I'd asked Panda, my eyes probably exuding much more surprise than I was comfortable with.

    "You know!" Panda nudged me. "The way you guys flirt with each other..? Rile up the fangirls..?"

    I must have looked pretty aghast because Panda's mouth dropped open. "That's not on purpose?"

    For weeks Panda's observation sat with me, troubling me whenever it would suddenly pop up in my head. And finally, I just had to ask Nana. I managed to get him alone before we started rehearsal.

    "Do I flirt with you on stage?"

    He laughed - the sweet and charismatic kind - and nudged my shoulder. "Yeah, didn't you notice?"

    I could feel the blood rush to my face. I couldn't believe I'd become as transparent as I seemingly had. I thought I'd been getting quite good at hiding my ever-growing feelings for Nana, but apparently, I was wrong.

    He laughed even harder at my blushing. "I thought you'd always done that with the guitarists!"

    I growled quietly into my hands, blushing more and for more reasons he wasn't aware of yet.  Clearly, I have a thing for guitarists...

    "People loved it, though," he said, his voice lilting. "I assumed it was deliberate, you know, playing with the girls' hormones or something."

    I thought back to the few gigs we'd done since Nana joined us; at the time, I barely noticed how close we were while we played, or how often I'd stood beside him to use his microphone instead of mine, or how my eyes seemed to find his at the most suggestive lyrics. But I also hadn't noticed that he didn't move away or discourage the behaviour, either.

    I tried to put it at the back of my mind while we jammed together before being summoned by Tamaki, but now we're in the attic and Amber is giving me a furtive look I'm not sure I can keep pretending it's just a stage performance.

    "Glad you both decided to join us," he says with a raised eyebrow. "We were starting to wonder what you were doing down there."

    I must look vexed because Nana immediately steps in.

    "I think we should leave Maki alone tonight; he's had a rough time."

    I know he's referencing our earlier conversation, but Amber doesn't know about it, and it spurs him on even more. "Oh! And what have you been doing with Nana that's so rough?"

    I look at Tamaki who is trying to pretend he can't hear what they're saying, before catching Nana throwing a wink at Amber.

    "Right! That's it! I quit!" I say in faux dramatics, grabbing my guitar.

    By the time Tamaki decides to make a move to calm us down, I'm ready for this practice to be over.

    As soon as we finish rehearsing and the front door closes behind Nana and Amber, I turn to see Tamaki staring at me with his arms crossed.

    "What's going on?"

    My eyes narrow. "Sorry?"

    "With you and Nana."

    "What do you mean?"

    He rolls his eyes. "I'm not blind. Or deaf. Or unconscious."

    I walk around him and head up the stairs. He swiftly follows, taking quick steps behind me.

    "I thought you didn't like him?"

    I don't look behind. "When did I say that?"

    We reach the top corridor, and I make a move towards my old room. Tamaki taps my shoulder.

    "When I wanted you to like him, I didn't mean like that."

    "Like what?"

    He looks at me, tilting his head and narrowing his eyes as if to say, Do you think I'm stupid?

    "You know what I mean." He narrows his eyes. "Is there something going on between you and him?"

    I don't suppress a laugh. "No, not at all." It feels nice not to lie.

    Tamaki looks at me like he doesn't believe me even a little bit.

    "I swear, nothing is going on between us." I just wish there was. "You were the one who wanted us to get on well."

    "Not that well!"

    "I'm sorry but have I been underperforming? Am I distracted?"

    He sighs heavily. "No, you've actually never been better..."

    I raise an eyebrow. "So what's the problem?

    I know precisely what his concern is. He doesn't want a repeat of Amber and Sen.

    Tamaki shakes his head. "As long as you're sure nothing is going on."

    I smile fakely. "Trust me. You don't have to worry."

    That's a certainty. Nana will never feel like I do.