Summer Winter Fall: Chapter Ten - FINAL

WARNING: 18+ readers only; this blog is dark and full of terrors!

I awake in the morning with Winter's arms wrapped around me.  It's 6am; enough time for him to get home before his mother notices he's not been home.  I feel like this is how things are supposed to be, but a stressful feeling niggles in my subconscious.  Christian...

"Winter... Winter, wake up," I whisper, shaking him gently.  His pale eyes open, and he smiles.

"Morning, baby," he responds, moving in to nuzzle my neck.  Just him doing this gives me shivers.

"No, we can't do this now!" I giggle, trying to push him away without effort, or effect.  "You gotta get home before your mum wakes up."

He growls.  "Can't we just... not go to school today? Let's just stay in bed, and I can violate you all day --"

"You will not!" I can feel myself blushing profusely as he kisses my neck, and purrs in to my ear.

"Come on, I know you would love it..."

"We have to go to school!"  I roll over, lifting the covers off myself.  "I have to.  I got a text from Christian last night."

"What did he say?"  Winter says, sighing, all playfulness gone.  I can tell he'd rather not hear about it right now, but it's bothering me.

"He wants to talk to me after school."  I pause.  "I have no idea what he's going to say, but I need to know, whatever it is.  I need to see him..."

"Well... can we at least shower together or something?"  He reaches across the bed, still flat on his stomach, just enough to poke me gently in the back with a poised finger.  "I feel all frustrated..."

"No!"  I swat him away with faux sternness.  "Get up.  I'm going in the bathroom; when I get out, you better be gone."  I lean and kiss him on the forehead, whisper "I love you", then leave him as he growls into the bed covers.

*

I make it to my first class just in time.  I realise that I share no classes with Christian on Tuesdays and I feel a little uneasy knowing I'll probably only see him at the end of the day, unless there is a chance encounter.  Unlikely.  This adds a lot more pressure.  What is he going to say...?  Is he going to hit me?  Probably.  Wouldn't even blame him.  I'd let it happen, to be honest.

The day passes far too quickly, without seeing Chris anywhere in the halls.  Did he turn up today?  I start questioning if he even texted me in the first place, but when I check my phone, the text is still there, sitting under his name.

I'm only half paying attention as I pile my books in to my locker.  The last bell has just rung through the halls and there is a scurry of teenagers around me.  Girls linked at the elbows, couples sharing stolen kisses behind their metal locker doors.  I shut my own loudly, but stood right by me is the redheaded siren, Andrei.

"Have you seen Christian?" he asks softly, the hint of his Russian accent flowing perfectly through the syllables of Chris' name.  I feel a little chill, a sudden - if faint - appreciation for why everyone is so bewitched by him.

I squint at him.  Why is he looking for Chris?  "No... not today."

He looks disappointed.  He tilts his head, his messy hair bun bobbing  a little with the movement.  "He was supposed to text me."

"I didn't even know you were friends."  I start to walk down the hall away from him, but he follows me.  He trots alongside; he's a good four inches shorter than me and clearly his little legs can't keep up with me.  He isn't deterred.

"We... we met last night for a bit."

I'm so used to the flirty, suggestive Andrei that this tiny, vulnerable Andrei seems bizarre to me.  "Right... well... I don't know what to tell you.  We haven't spoken."  I feel like I'm lying, even though I'm not.

He turns and stands in front of me.  "Okay... well, if you see him, can you tell him to text me?  Or call me?"  He's looking up at me in this really cute way.  Now I can really see how he enchants people; the big brown eyes, the soft auburn curls, the innocent-looking demeanor.  I almost want to touch him myself.  Goddamn...

"Sure, I'll tell him."

Why the hell am I agreeing to this?  I hate this guy!  But nevermind.  That seems to make him happy.  He says a chirpy thank you before seductively running a hand over my arm and walking away.  God-freaking-damn...  I shake it off, and head towards the Shed in hopes that Chris is already there.

I reach the front of The Shed, and the only indication that someone is there is the faint smell of cigarette smoke; Marlboro Superking Menthols, Chris' I'm So Fancy brand.

I poke my head around the corner.  There, in ripped black skinnies and a hugely oversized dark blue sweater, is Christian.  A long white cigarette hangs steadily between his naked lips, smoke billowing from them as he inhales and exhales methodically, his hands occupied with his phone.  He looks so elegant I want to just watch him for a minute.  I don't get a chance to look for long because he notices me.

A smile -  did he smile?  Does that mean he's not mad anymore? - skips across his lips as he removes the cigarette, but it's so slight I can't even be sure it was really there.

"Hey," we both say as I walk towards him.

I stand in front of him silently.

"I brought something," Chris says, sticking the cigarette between his lips again and rummaging in his bag.  I look on in confusion.  Is it all the shit I've left at his house over the years?  Is it Winter's head?  Is it a can of mace?

It's a half-bottle of Jack Daniels, unopened.

"You want the first sip?"

I stare on at him.  "What?"

He opens the bottle.  "Here."  When I don't take it, he grows quieter.  "It's a peace offering."

My heart skips.  Peace?  He wants peace?  But wait...  "I'm sorry, I'm confused.  I thought you brought me here to beat me up."  Chris starts laughing.  "I'm serious!  I was prepared to get my ass kicked!  I had accepted my fate!"

"Babe... I would never do that!"  He holds the bottle out to me again, so I take it.

"It's not poisoned, is it?"

He shakes his head, stubbing out his burnt out Marlboro.  I take a big gulp, and flinch as I feel the burn.  I hand it back to him, and he too takes a swig.

With that out of the way, we both sit on the step, the same step we had sat on a mere five days ago, when everything started unravelling.

He's the first to speak.  "So, I was wrong."

"What?"  I turn to him.

"I was wrong," he repeats simply.  "I... don't even know where to start."  He takes a deep breath.  "I know now that the feelings I was having for you were just... rebound feelings.  And when you offered yourself on a plate to me, completely out of your face, I really shouldn't have taken advantage."

I'm utterly flabbergasted.  So flabbergasted that I am using the word flabbergasted.

"Like... you're my best friend, and I love you, so I guess in my disillusioned heartbreak I got a bit confused..."  He takes another sip from the Jack, and hands it back to me.  "And given how incredibly drunk - and obviously distressed - you were... and I wasn't really that drunk at all... God, I'm so awful."

"No.  Chris... I'm sorry for what I did!  I shouldn't have tried to use you because I was mad --"

"Yeah, no, I know that," Christian laughs.  "But you barely knew what you were doing.  In your right mind, you would never have done that... and in my right mind, I never would have let you."

Is this actually happening?  Or am I dreaming?

"I was still really hurting about Oliv, and I was transferring those feelings on to you because we're so close and it was easy to."

"So... you forgive me?"

"Well, yeah, of course..."  Chris' face is solemn.  "But... I can't forgive you for... being so loud."

My face falls to my hands, the humiliation drowning me in a pit of my own despair.  "I can't believe you just said that."

"It's true!  The whole neighbourhood must know you're Bottom now."

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" I yell, pushing him off the step, a laugh forsaking my embarrassed rage.  I drink from the bottle again, hoping the shame will fade a little the more drunk I get.  Chris is lying on the grass, his own laughter filling the air.

I roll my eyes, and pass the bottle back to him.  He sits up, and drinks, still chuckling through his sips.

"Hey... Andrei was looking for you earlier," I say, feeling it's safe to attempt regaining normality.

Christian looks away, a blush passing his cheeks.  "Oh..."

"Chris..."  I narrow my eyes at him.  "Since when are you and Andrei pals?"

"I... may have done a dumb thing last night," Chris says before taking another big draught from the bottle, swiftly moving as I go to grab it from him.

"What did you do?!" I ask, even though I think I know what he's about to tell me.

"Andrei."  He tries to repress a girlish giggle, as my face drops.

"Are you serious?!"  I laugh, because it's funny.  It's funny that Chris is speaking to me again.  It's funny that Andrei can charm the pants off the Pope.  It's funny that Chris' sexual experiences has tripled in five days.

"I know but..."  He lowers his voice.  "It was amazing, Yan."

"I need a cigarette!"

As he continues to insist how great it was, and that Andrei seems to be totally fascinated with him now, us both laughing in the slowly setting sun with our slowly decreasing alcohol, and the slowly diminishing awkwardness, I feel overwhelmingly happy.  As we drink and drink, he asks me about Winter, about what I plan to do with Allan and Satou, and I feel like Saturday barely even happened.  I feel happy that I have friends like Winter and Chris.  As browning leaves lazily fall around us, whirling in the air, down from the surrounding trees, I feel complete.

Autumn calmly approaches.

Summer Winter Fall: Chapter Nine

WARNING: 18+ readers only; this blog is dark and full of terrors!
SMUT WARNING!!

Winter still holds my wrist with one hand, as if to restrain me, and the other's fingers are moving gently all over my chest as he brings his lips to my ear lobe.  My free hand grips at the sheets below me and I try to forget what happened in my bed two nights ago.  Winter is doing a very good job of putting it out of my head.  His tongue and teeth dance on my ear, sending shivers and goosebumps up and down my agonizing body.  I'm so hard it practically burns and he hasn't even touched me there yet

He releases my hand, and rips my t-shirt off before shifting a little bit down the bed, unbuckling my jeans.  I swallow, my body aching for him to touch me.  But he doesn't.   He remains stationed between my legs, and my jeans are undone but his hand doesn't venture inside them.  Instead, he places torturous little kisses all over my skin, his hands only holding his own weight above my body when they should be in my pants.  I stroke his shoulder, whimpering slightly.

He looks up at me.  "What is it?"

"What are you doing?" I ask, sighing with lust.

He smirks, clearly revelling in my discomfort.  "Do you not like it?"  His tongue suddenly sneaks from his lips and glides across my nipple.  Oh god!

"Don't do that!" I scold him, but the reaction my body gives deceives my words; my head tilts back and my eyes close as he continues to lick.  "S-stop -aah!"  My crotch rocks against him.

"How can I stop when you do that?"  I can hear the smile in his amative voice.  "Am I being cruel?"

"Just..!"  Just touch me already!  "I can't -!"

He moves down my body, placing kisses as he goes, moving closer to my area of concern.  I'm worried I'm going to pop before he even gets there.

Suddenly he stops, rolling away from me, and lies on his back.  What... is he...

I sit up.  "What the hell, Winter?"

"... What?"  He looks at me with that kitty-like smirk, teasing me.  "If you want something then, just say -"

I'm already on top of him - which is clearly what he wanted - unbuttoning his shirt, practically ripping it open.  I lean over him, my lips to his ear.  "I want you to blow me."

He smiles mischievously as if to say 'As you wish' and shifts down, still underneath me.  I hold my weight on my elbows as he pulls at my jeans, just enough so he can put his mouth around me.  He wiggles his tongue in all the right places and I try to stop my hips bucking out of my control.  I can feel the back of his throat, the expert sucking, his tongue pressed against the underside.  He sighs a little as he pulls my hips closer, taking more of me in his mouth.  I'm feeling dangerously close to the edge, a sharp heat conjuring in my core. 

I'm about to warn him, but he pulls his mouth away.  He pushes me on to my back easily.

"I was... so close..." I whimper feebly, placing my arm over my face with annoyance.  "Why would you stop..."

He ignores me, pulling my pants off before his shirt.  He leans back over me, bringing his face close to mine.  He's so beautiful...  I almost forget my displeasure.

His hand on my thigh, he whispers, "I just love making you squirm."  And suddenly he pushes a finger inside me.  I repress a gasp as he moves it in and out, loosening me up a little before introducing another finger.

"A-ah-!" escapes me.  He presses his lips against mine, his tongue sliding in, and I moan in to his mouth as he continues to press his fingertips deeper inside.  He curls them, massaging inside me with exquisite skill and more intent than usual.  I can't focus.  I grip his hair and claw at his shoulders, tears spilling from my eyes as I practically cry in to him.

He releases his mouth from mine and nuzzles in to my neck as I writhe around, no longer able to control my contortions.  I feel his teeth on my skin, and his tongue.  I don't care that he's leaving marks.  I don't care that I'm screaming to a point that the neighbours probably think I'm being murdered.  I don't even care that Maddie could come home at any second.  The heat is shooting hard through my body and --!

"I'm coming!"

As I feel the fluids leave my body, Winter's movements slow to a stop.  I breath heavily, waiting for the world to rematerialise around me.  I can feel the dampness and I'm pretty sure some of it got on Winter's jeans.  I feel a little guilty.

I lie motionless, my eyes closed, and let my heart's beating regulate.  I feel him cleaning me up.

"I'll... do that..." I say sleepily.  I hear him laugh as he continues to wipe me.

I can feel how red my face must be.  Winter lies next to me and shifts me in to his arms.  I realise how naked I am compared to him and pull the covers over us, snuggling in to him.  "I love you," I say quietly.  I seems like the right time to say it.

"I'm glad..." is all he says.  But it's okay because I don't feel the need for him to say it back.

He holds me against him, and I can feel a little hardness in his jeans.  I start kissing up his neck and end at his ear lobe.  He almost purrs as I nibble away.  I want to tease him like he teased me but I know I don't have enough control for that.  I slide my hand under his unfasted jeans and grasp on to his length, moving my fingers along the underside.

"Mmh... Yan, you don't need to do that..." he whispers, a hint of lust in his tone.  "Don't you... want to sleep?"

I pull back, mock-offended.  "Are you rejecting me, Winter?"  I roughly stroke downwards and he moves his hips towards me.  "Because I'll stop."

"Nnggh... no..."

I can feel myself getting hard again.  How...?  Just his reactions to my touch is enough to get me going again.  I can feel him getting wet with every downward movement.  I take my hand away, and pull at his jeans.

I look at him, his cheeks are pink and his eyes sleepy.  I place my hand on his chin and slip a finger between his lips.  He sucks on it playfully and I immediately feel a tingling sensation down below.  I want... "Put it in me." 

Winter rolls over on top of me and I pull at his jeans, feeling how hard he is before I guide him inside with my hands.  He pushes deeply in to me, racking my body with an array of different sensations; the painful burn of the penetration, mixed with the harrowing ecstasy of his tip swelling inside me. I search for his face, letting out little cries with every thrust against my sweet spot.  He licks at my lips with his perfect tongue, and I grip at his hips, forcing him even deeper inside.  He grinds against me harder and harder, the headboard smacking off the wall.  Destroy me.

"Yan..." Winter says breathlessly. "I don't... know how long I can go for..."

I can't help clawing at his back as I feel myself drawing closer again.  "Come inside me!"

"You sure..?" Winter says, pounding harder in to me.  He brings a hand to my erection and massages it.  Oh fuck, oh fuck!  New sensations rush through me and I clutch at the headboard.

"Please...!" I plead.  I can feel the heat rushing again, and I can't hold back.  My whole world explodes as I feel his liquids burst inside me and my own going everywhere.  I don't even care.  It's lasts twenty seconds before Winter collapses on top of me, still inside.

He breathes heavily in to the pillow.  I can't move.  I can feel the exhaustion taking over.  The last thing I hear before I pass out is Winter:  "Are you falling asleep already?"

And then I'm out.

I awaken a while later.  Winter is still asleep.  He's cleaned up the mess again.  He's sweet like that.  I always seem to fall asleep straight after, and he always cleans up.

I grab my phone to check the time, but I barely register it being eleven.  I have a text from Chris.

Chris:  Meet me at the Shed tomorrow after school.

Sent 9.30pm.

Summer Winter Fall: Chapter Eight

WARNING: 18+ readers only; this blog is dark and full of terrors!

It's amazing how fast you can lose everyone important to you when you do something incredibly dumb.  I think back to a simpler time, all of three days ago;  things were still a mess with Winter, but I was happy and in bed with him.  Chris was merely and only my best friend whom I loved more than anyone.  I didn't know of any other kinds of feelings he may have been holding for me.  I knew only his friendship, our spiritual closeness.  It was the kind of closeness I wanted with no one else.

And now I'm caught between two loves; Winter looks from Chris to me, decided what he should say.  I can tell he doesn't know what to do, but I can know what he's thinking because it's the same as what's going through my head; Yan, you're such a fuck up.

Christian throws his cigarette on the grass.  "Don't mind me.  Please continue your lover's tiff."

"What are you doing here?" is all I manage to blurt out.

He half smiles, bitterly.  "I had a feeling you'd be here.  It's our spot and... Forget it.  Obviously, you were a bit too distracted to be thinking about me."

Winter looks awkward.  "I'm gonna go --"

"Yeah, you better," Chris snaps at him, glaring.

Before he leaves, Winter glances at me.  The look in his cold eyes stays with me as I watch him walk back across the field.  I don't try to stop him this time.

"Christian, please can we --"

"Talk about it?"  He scoffs disdainfully.  His body language is nonchalant, but it's practised and unnatural.  "There's not much to say, other than you're an asshole and I'm an idiot."

"How much of that did you hear?"

He ignores my question, offering only a hateful: "Apparently you're an idiot too."

"Seriously, Chris," I say desperately.  "Are you telling me you've never made a mistake?"

He flinches as if the M word physically strikes him. "A mistake?"  He swallows hard.  "How can you say that to me?"

"Because that's... what it was..."  Why am I saying this?  Why can't I lie to protect his feelings?  I put my hands on my face, no longer in control of the stupid words spilling from my lips.

"When did you get so heartless?"  I can see his eyes welling with tears again.  I want to hold him to make the tears go away like I normally would.  But this isn't normal.  This really really isn't normal.  "God, I am a complete idiot..."

I can't bare to speak.  I can feel more stupid words brewing in the pit of my lungs, just waiting to tear Chris's world apart just a little bit more.

"But you're right.  I have made a mistake."  He looks away, towards the school.  "I thought you liked me."

"I do like you!"

"Not... like that."  He fumbles for another cigarette, the flame of his lighter shuddering with the shake of his hands.

"I didn't realise..."

"I thought... when you wanted to kiss me..."  Oh god, oh god.  "I didn't realise it was to get back at Winter."  He takes a hard drag from his cigarette.  "It didn't even occur to me that you... would do something like that to me."

"I don't even know why I did it!"  I can feel a stinging in my throat; my voice is shaking.  I know where this is going.  "Chris, please, you're... you're all I have."

"What about Allan and Satou?"

I'm a little horrified at myself;  it's not that I'd just forgot about them, it's more like... they never were.  They stopped existing. 

"Maybe you need to learn from your actions, yeah?"  Chris flicks the remainder of his cigarette on the ground.  "I think we shouldn't hang out for a while."

"Why?  Why can't we just pretend it never happened?" I'm clutching at straws, in vain.  I know where this is going and nothing I say to him is going to change the facts:  I'm an asshole who used him, destroyed his trust, broke his fragile heart.

"Because, I can't just forget!"  He sighs heavily, the daggers of his gaze well and truly stabbing me.  "You didn't... mean it, but at the time I thought you did, and I'm hurt.  Don't you get it?"

Of course, I get it;  he had a crush on me, and I didn't know, and then I used him, thinking we'd both just laugh about it in the morning.  But the rabbit hole goes much deeper than that, apparently.  I'm the worst person in the world.

"I'm lost without you, though."  Please look at me.  Please.

"Maybe it's time you found yourself then."

Without another glance in my worthless direction, he walks away, almost floating on air.

*

My heavy steps on the stairs.  Maddie calls behind me, but I'm not listening.  I'm busy fantasising that when I walk into my room, Chris will be there waiting.  He'll let me hug him, and we'll be friends again.  He'll lift a bottle of Jack from his bag, and we'll get drunk until it's far too late, and we'll be hungover in the morning, regretting our actions.

But of course when I open my door, the room stands cold and empty, and I fast forward to regretting different actions: the regret of not telling him about Winter in the first place, the regret of getting so drunk I wouldn't listen to reason, the regret of unintentionally playing with his heart.

I throw my bag on the floor and pull my phone from my pocket.  I select Satou's name and press "call".  It rings on and on until voicemail kicks in.  I try Allan and get an answer.

"Hey, Yan!"

"Hi... are you free to talk?"

"Umm..." I hear a lot of voices in the background.  "I'm busy right now.  Can I call you back later maybe?"

"I... I need someone to talk to --"

I can hear him distantly talking to someone else, and their laughter, before his voice is directed at me, once again.  "I promise, I call you --"

"You know what? Don't bother!"  And I angrily press End Call, wishing I called on the house phone so I could have slammed it down dramatically.  Instead, I throw my phone across the room, hitting the wardrobe.  It bounces and smacks off the floor, sending the battery flying out the back of the case.

I scream quietly into my pillow, waiting for sleep to take over so I can forget for a few hours what a mess I've made of everything.

A quiet knock awakens me.  The room is completely dark, and I'm immediately confused as to what time it is.  I go to grab my phone off the bedside table and then I remember it still lies at the other end of the room in pieces.  I click the lamp on.

There's another knock.  "... Yan?"

I'm still too disoriented to decipher the voice.  "Who... is it?"

"It... It's Winter..."

At the sound of his name, I dart out of bed and towards the door, stumbling on the way.  I don't think I've moved that fast in a while. I pull the door open, and there he stands, a glowing aura around him - which is more my blurry post-nap vision but he's still beautiful.

"I thought you..."

"Aren't you going to invite me in?"  He looks dangerous.  There's no playfulness in his voice at all.

I step aside eagerly, and he walks past me towards the bed.  He sits, uninvited.

"I'm sorry I got so angry at you earlier... I was just surprised."

I place myself next to him, not too close to assume he wants to be intimate, but not so far to wreck any intimacy.

"No... you are right.  I did a horrible thing, and... now Chris isn't speaking to me, understandably."

"I didn't come here to talk about that," he says, honestly.  "I know why you did it. I'm sorry that you felt the need to do that.  I guess I shouldn't have gone to Andrei's room in the first place.  It was asking for trouble."

I nod slightly.  Not because I necessarily agree, or because I believe it. More just to let Winter know I'm listening to him.

Winter stares at his (undeniably perfect) hands, gesturing with them ever so slightly every few words.  "I don't think what you did was at all excusable, but since we aren't a couple... and I left you without any explanation... I can't be mad at you for sleeping with someone else."

There's a profound silence between us; it's not awkward or weird, but perfectly placed, giving each of us quiet to think about the words that are now hanging in the air.  I gaze at Winter staring at his hands.

A gentle cough from him breaks the heaviness.  "And... I still... love you."  

I take this as a cue that's it's okay to touch him.  I lift my hand to his hair and run my fingers through it.  But he's still looking down at his hands, unsmiling.

"But..." he says, defiantly.

I take back my hand.  "But what?"

He finally turns to look at me.  "I don't want to share you with anyone.  I want you to be mine and only mine."

"I swear, the thing with Chris was a one-time thing, I don't feel like --"

"Seriously?  I'm not talking about Chris; I'm talking about your boyfriends."

Oh...  "Oh, I see."  I turn away from Winter.

I can't say breaking up with them hasn't crossed my mind.  The fact that it barely feels like Allan and Satou are even still part of my life anymore has made me cease even to think of them as my boyfriends.  But...

"You don't want to be with me?" he murmurs.

"I do, I really do!" I pause, thinking.  "Every time I try to talk to either of them, they always say they'll call back if they even answer at all."

"Well, maybe if you assembled your phone, they'd be able to call you."  He stands, walking to the pieces on the floor and bundles them in his hand before passing the pile of phone parts to me.  "Here."

I stare at the case and the battery.  "Do you reckon I could just change my number?"

Winter laughs for the first time since he came over.  "I guess... but that's mean."

I shake my head.  "I'll figure something out," I say, placing the piece on the side table.  "Later..."  I turn back to Winter.  "I want to just... be with you right now."

Winter sits back down next to me and wraps his arms around me.  I lean into him, breathing in his familiarness, his warmth.  I just want to pretend everything is okay...

I pull his face towards mine and kiss him, feeling that completeness he always gives me.  He holds me closer, one hand on my shoulder, the other on my thigh.  I run my fingers through his hair, pulling at it slightly at the nape of his neck because I know he likes it.  As the kiss deepens and nibbles on my lip, his hand comes up under my shirt, stroking the skin on my stomach, sending shivers through my whole body.  He pulls his lips away from mine and trails little kisses down my throat, sending my mind racing with all kinds of thoughts.

He pushes me down on the bed, and I wrap my legs around him.  He holds my wrists above my head, kissing all over my neck.  My hips involuntarily grind against him as I feel the heat of my erection strain against my jeans.

"Winter, we can't do this right now..."  My words massively betray what my pants are telling me.  "Maddie could walk in..."

Winter frees one of my wrists and slides his hand down my torso and back up my shirt.  "No, she won't.  She was on her way out when I came in."

Oh...

Summer Winter Fall: Chapter Seven

Sunlight streams through the gap between the poorly drawn curtains, disrupting my already fitful sleep.  My eyes flicker open and shut, expecting the hangover to hit.  I wait for it.  My eyes hurt.  My legs hurt.  But I feel no sickness.

A wave of nostalgia... I feel uneasy as I try to remember a dream that's floating in my subconscious, but it won't come to me.  What the hell was it?

I feel a body move next to mine, sighing gently, and snuggling into me.  I'm not surprised when I roll over to see Christian's sleeping face.  Immediately, my heart fills with affection for him, like usual.  But then I'm struck by a strange feeling.

Did I have a dream about Chris last night?  I stare at his face intently.  Apparently, he can feel my gaze;  his eyes flutter open, flashing green, and he smiles a little at me.

"Good morning..." he murmurs.

This isn't like other mornings.  Something is different; in Christian's eyes, his voice. It triggers a memory.

"Just kiss me."

"Chris... what... happened last night?"

Immediately his smile fades, and his warm expression turns cold, his voice sharp.  "You... you don't remember?"  I can hear the hurt in his voice.  

What the hell happened?  I hesitate.  "I... don't think so."

He's biting his lip in that way he does when he's trying not to cry.  His eyes look like big green leaves dotted with morning dew.  A tear rolls down the side of his face and into the pillow.

"You're an asshole," he chokes out before turning over and getting out of the bed.  He starts grabbing his clothes.

I sit up, still a little baffled.  "Chris, I really can't remem--"

"We had sex, Yan."  He turns and barks at me.  "I'm glad last night was memorable for you!"  He's pulling on his skinny jeans as angrily as you can imagine an angry person pulling on skinny jeans.

"Yan, I really like you..."  "Just fuck me... harder."

Oh my God.  We had sex. We had sex. WE HAD SEX.

Inside, I am screaming.  I'm screaming because Christian's my best friend.  I'm screaming because he is upset.  I'm screaming because I don't want to lose him.  I am screaming because this is the worst thing I could have done.  He's pulling on his sweater.  But all I can think to say is: "Shit."

"Shit?!"  He turns.  "That's all you can say?!"  His tears drag out whatever was left from last night's eyeliner from his eyes and trails it down his face.  "What is wrong with you?!"

"Chris, I'm..."  Regretful?  "I'm sorry!"

This is possibly the worst thing I could have said.  Chris' tearful glare cuts into me, like the knife he feels stabbing him in the heart.

"So I guess it meant nothing to you, then?" he asks.  I feel this isn't so much a question as it is a statement, but for some reason, I think it's a good idea to answer it.

"... No."  That wasn't a good idea.

"Great."  He grabs his shoes and slams the door behind him as he leaves me, naked, alone, and seriously questioning my sanity.

*

Monday morning.  It's the first day in five years that Christian and I haven't walked to school together.  Ever since Elementary, we've been friends.  And in one night, I manage to ruin it all by being a complete cock.

It's before the first bell.  I immediately head to Christian's locker to leave a pre-written note;

Chris, you have to know I'm sorry about Saturday.
You know how much I love you, right?  I know it's not really in that way, but please...
Please speak to me?
- Yan

I slip it in the slot, even though I can imagine him ripping it up and setting it on fire straight away without even reading it.

The bell rings, and I head to English.  Chris' seat is still empty, which is unusual for him.  As the class fills with bored teenagers.  Some are groaning as they walk through the door.  Others look like they're still sleeping.  None of them looks happy.  But then again, it's Monday.

I watch the door hoping each person that walks in is Chris, but when he eventually struts in the room, I immediately lower my head in the vain hope that I somehow become invisible.  No such luck.  As he walks towards my desk, his heeled boots clicking on the hard floor and a long black skirt swishing around his legs, I muster the courage to look up at his face, but he's not even looking at me.  Without making eye contact, he places a note on my desk as he passes.  I open it, hopefully.

Eat shit.
- Chris

Well, at least I know where I stand now...

*

By the end of the day, I'm ready to jump off the roof.  Chris has ignored me, and any of my attempts to make peace, and I'm so done with today.  I start to pile my books into my locker after double checking it for any notes Chris might have left for me and coming up empty handed.  I hear a voice behind me.

"Hey, Yan."

I turn to see Winter.  He smiles nervously and gives a little wave.  My heart jumps with love for him, but then I remember what lead me to think sleeping with Chris was a good idea, in the first place.  I slam my locker shut and try to walk past him, but he stops me.

"Come on, talk to me."

"I have other things to worry about right now, okay Winter?"  My voice is thick.  "Just leave me alone."  I push past him, but he only follows me.

"Please, Yan.  Nothing happened with Andrei.  You have to believe me."  He sounds like he's telling the truth.

"I don't even care," I lie.

He's still following me as we come out the back of the school.  "I'm not going to leave you alone, by the way."

"Fine!"  I snap at him as I power-walk across the field towards The Shed.

"Seriously, Yan, are you mad at me?"  He trots beside me, trying to match my speed.  He may have longer legs than me, but I'm the faster walker.

"Yes, I'm mad!  You just left me!"

"I got a text from my mother.  I had to go see her."  He's panting through his words.  "Why are you going to The Shed?"

"To get some peace."

I head straight to the steps and sit, lighting a cigarette.  "You can go now."

Winter is leaning against the side, gasping for air.  He's surprisingly unfit.

"Did something happen with Christian?"

I shoot a glare at him.  "No, why?"

"I just noticed that he was ignoring you all day.  Usually, you guys are glued to each other --"

"Did Andrei and you fall out?  Because you guys are usually fucking in the hallway."

Winter looks at me, wide-eyed.  Okay, maybe that was a little unreasonable.  I don't apologise.  I'm still mad.

"Yan, I promise you... nothing happened with Andrei."

"I bet it would have if I hadn't interrupted you."  I take a long drag from the cigarette.

"I'm telling you the truth!  I only went to his room to tell him I wasn't going to be fooling around with him anymore.  And then he tried to regardless.  Okay, I had like two seconds of weakness, but then when I tried to stop him, that's when I heard Christian outside the door."

He's sitting by my side now.  My cigarette is a small stump now, ash trailing off the end of the filter.  I stub it out under my tennis shoe.  "Okay, I... I guess I believe you."

Winter puts his hand to my face.  "I promise you I'm not lying."  He's looking into my eyes, and I'm melting a little, regardless of the cold breeze in the air.  "Yan... I really..."

I swallow the lump in my throat, looking at him expectantly, waiting.

"I love you..."

My heart is jumping.  I can feel a smile coming on, and I can't control it.  Winter leans in and kisses me;  his soft lips were stroking mine, our tongues touching, his fingers in my hair. Happiness stirs in my stomach in little flutters.  And then I remember...

I pull away.

"What's the matter?"  He pushes loose strands of my hair behind my ear, his eyes full of love and affection.

"I'm really happy you're here... but..."  I pause.  "Something... did happen with Chris."

"Did you fall out?"

"Yeah..."  I dance between telling Winter the full story and not.  "But... something big happened."

He blinks at me.  "What was it?"

"Last night, after I thought you and Andrei were fooling around... I was mad at you."

He starts to apologise again.

"No, no... When Chris and me got back to my house..."

Winter is looking at me, listening to every word intently.  "What happened?"

"We... we slept together."

I can see Winter's mind processing what I've just told him.  He turns away from me.  "You... what?"

"I was drunk, and I know it's not an excuse, but I was so angry with you because I thought you'd just left me and then went to Andrei to... to..."

He stands.  "How could you?!"

"I thought you were --"

"But I wasn't, and if you had stuck around to let me explain, you would have known!"  I can see the anger in his face.  But it's not just anger.  He's hurt.  He's really hurt.  "You know me better than that!  I can't believe you would just..."  He pauses.  "You know what?  I'm not even that surprised.  You cheat on Allan and Satou so I guess it's the same, right?"  There's so much malice in his tone.  It cuts straight through me.

"Winter, it meant nothing to me.  I swear I love you!  I don't love them like I love you."

"Does Chris know that?!"

"I told him it didn't mean anything to me."

He looks aghast, horrified.  I have a feeling that wasn't the right answer.  "Does Chris know about... about you and me?"

I don't answer.

"You used your best friend as a pawn in your game of getting back at me, and he had no idea that's what you were doing?  Wow.  You're not  who I thought you were."

I can feel my whole world crashing down, the mess of everything bad I've done lies in pieces around me, as Winter turns to go around The Shed and stops.  I walk to him, thinking he's stopped because he's rethinking what he's just said.  But as I turn too, I realise what a horrible mistake I've made.

Leaning against the side wall smoking a cigarette delicately between white fingers is Chris, black tears streaked on his cheeks.  And he's heard everything I've just said.

Summer Winter Fall: Chapter Six

SMUT WARNING: 18+ readers only; this blog is dark and full of terrors!

(DO NOT READ ON! SEXY THINGS AHEAD! YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!)

It's starting to get dark when I awaken.  The clock reads 20:00.  I'm momentarily confused and then it floods back; "Winter, I love you, I love you!"

Winter...  I roll over, my hands searching for him sleepily, but the sheets are empty and cold.  I jolt up and look around.  Where is Winter?

His clothes are gone; his jeans, his sweater, his sneakers.  He's left me.

My heart overwhelms with despair... hurts... it hurts.  I look around the room for a note of why he left, but there's no evidence he was even here in the first place other than the lingering ache of dry penetration and some stains on the bedsheets.  I dart out of the bed, the coldness of the lonely room hitting my naked body, and grab my phone.  Nothing.  No messages.

I want to cry.

I start pulling my clothes on slowly, trying to stop the tears falling.  He just left me...

Why am I getting so upset?  Is it because I told him... I told him I love him.  But then he held me.  He held me until I fell asleep, and placed soft kisses on my back...

I resist the urge to text him.  I shouldn't have to.  I didn't do anything wrong.

As I sit on my bed, the quiet of the house filling the slowly darkening room, a film of stillness hangs in the air.  There's the faintest smell of food cooking and my stomach replies with a rumble; Maddie must be cooking.  My body is hungry but I don't want to eat.  It feels wrong to eat without him after...

All summer, that's what we did.  For six weeks, we'd wreck our bodies together with sex then build them back up together with food, whether it was sharing a packet of Ramen at his house, or eating a full brisket roast dinner at mine.  We'd cuddle into each other, watch a movie, then start over again.  All summer, five days a week, we were together.

How could I do all those things and claim it was nothing?  All that time, I barely thought of Allan and Satou; only when they texted or called me, which was rare, and usually brief.  But I hadn't cared.  I only wanted to be with Winter.

But as soon as school started, it felt wrong to carry on.  I couldn't tell Christian; I didn't know how he'd react given his stance on cheating boyfriends.  I couldn't continue lying to him.  But I was lying to myself.  Winter wasn't just for summer... and now he's gone, and I feel so empty without him.

My phone bleeps, indicating a text.  I open my messages eagerly, but with disappointment.

Chris:  There's a party tonight at Andrei's house. I'm coming over to get you, whether you like it or not! x

I roll my eyes.  The last thing I really want to do right now is go to a party, especially at Andrei's, but I know what Chris is like.  He really won't take no for an answer.

*

Christian shows up just as I'm drying my hair.  He sits down on the naked bed.  He's looking very chic; a long, form-fitting black sweater and very tight black jeans, with his infamous Goth boots.  His eyeliner also looks particularly on point.  I wonder who all this effort is for.

"Babe, you could at least cheer up!" he says after I turn the blow dryer off.  "You still hungover?"  He goes to squish my face with heavily jewelled fingers, his nails painted purple to match his hair.

"I'm fine, okay?"  I grumble, pushing his hand out of the way.  "Just stop pawing at me."

"Just hurry up, it's nearly half nine!"

"Do we really have to go?"  I stand in front of my open wardrobe, contemplating what would be appropriate to wear.  "I don't feel like drinking again."

"Haha!" He points at me. "You're hilarious!"  He looks pretty serious.  "Wear the red sweater I got you for your birthday.  And those ripped up jeans you love so much."

Who needs a girlfriend when you've got Christian dictating what you wear.

After we force a bottle of red wine down our throats, we head out to the party.  It's only a ten-minute walk, but it feels forever.  I keep having flashbacks of last night.  I feel very uncomfortable.

We arrive at Andrei's house a little before ten, and more than a little tipsy.  We can hear the music and loud drunken teenagers all down the driveway, but when we enter, Andrei is nowhere to be seen.  There's a lot of people who were in the year above us but are now either at college or wasting their youth on their parents' couches. I don't really know anyone, but everyone seems to know Chris.  He's immediately greeted by a short pink-haired guy with a lot of piercings.  I don't pay attention to their conversation and instead, I start swigging from my bottle of Russian Standard.  It burns as it trickles down my throat.  Vodka probably wasn't the wisest choice.

Minutes pass.  An hour?  Who knows.  Everything is pretty blurry.  Christian is playing beer pong in the lounge, and I'm getting chatted up by a girl who I'm pretty sure I've met before but I can't place her.  She seems to know me, though, so I feign drunken interest until I get really bored and excuse myself.

I need to pee.

Where the hell is the bathroom in this place?  I find the stairs, and climb them with some difficulty, swaying from side to side, desperately clinging to the bannister as the walls sink in and out of my vision.  I left my bottle of vodka with that girl.  But that doesn't matter right now.

The upstairs is significantly quieter than the floor below.  There's a lot of rooms, plus another set of stairs leading to the second floor, but I see a door at the end of the hall that is open slightly with light seeping through the gap, and I instantly forget about my bladder's needs.

I creep towards the room.  As I get closer, I can hear quiet voices.

"Andrei, don't..."

"Come on.  Why else would you come up here?"

"Seriously, I --"

"See, you like it..."

"Hnnnhh..."

The voice that isn't Andrei's sounds familiar, and I immediately think of Christian.  What the hell is Christian doing with Andrei?!

I'm right at the door now.

A sigh.  "Andrei... we... shouldn't be --"

"Shh, baby.  No one is gonna catch us --"

Suddenly, a loud voice behind me.  "Yan, what the hell are you doing?"

I turn.  Purple hair, Goth boots.  I squint at him.  "Chris?"

Then... who's with Andrei?

The door is opening beside me.  I turn.

"Yan, what are you doing here?"

I focus.  I blink.  This isn't real.  This isn't happening.  I feel a thump in my heart as an invisible knife stabs me in the chest.

Winter tries to say something, but I'm already grabbing Chris' arm and dragging him down the stairs.

"What is going on with --"

"We're leaving."

I'm still horribly drunk and everything is fuzzy and I feel sick and hurt and oh my God.

I'm pulling Christian through my front door and up my stairs.

"What is wrong with you, Yan?" he asks breathlessly.  I can tell he's rather drunk too.  "What happened?"

I let my breathing regulate as I fall on the bed.  "Nothing."

"Nothing?  You dragged me away from a party, at a hundred miles an hour for nothing?"

Emotion wells in my chest.  I feel completely broken.  I crawl under the covers, still dressed, still with my shoes on.  Chris is fumbling on the floor with his stupid boots again, as the room spins around us.  Then he's pulling off the covers and trying to take my shoes off.

"How drunk are you right now..." he grumbles.

I picture Winter in my head, his face when he saw me at the door, the sound of his voice.  I'm so filled with hate that it hurts.

Christian pulls me upright, trying to undress me.  I stare at him with unfocused eyes, and I feel so angry.

"You're like a giant drunk baby right now, you know that?" His voice is scolding. 

And then I'm kissing him.

I'm kissing Christian.  I feel his tongue bar, his soft lips, his hands suddenly in my hair.

He pulls away, his eyes sleepy with... is it lust?  Or is he just really drunk?  "Yan, what are you doing..?" he whispers softly.

I stare at his lips, his perfect little pouty mouth.  I'm so angry.  "Just kiss me."

And he does.  His lips are wet and pleasant, and I feel aroused just from his tongue touching mine.  His hands are all over my shirtless body, and I pull at his sweater urgently.

And then we're both undressed, and he's behind me, cuddling me like how I do to him, but he's inside, and thrusting into me expertly.  I can't help but writhe into him.  I can feel every inch of him as he pushes himself slowly deeper.  He's so big...  I grip the sheets and moan into the pillow as he strokes me, biting on my shoulder hard but it feels good.  It feels so good...

I hear Christian's voice, gasping and amorous.  "Yan, I really like you..."

I'm too drunk for the words to sink in.  "Just fuck me... harder..."

He flips me onto my front and pounds on me from behind.  I cry out, not caring who hears.  I can feel his tip touching the sweet spot with every grind, bringing tears to my eyes.  His breathing becomes more ragged as he pushes harder, and I can feel myself getting closer very quickly.

The climax is intense and sudden, my fingers clawing at my pillow, Chris' hands caressing my hips as he comes inside me.

We lie apart from each other, our breath heavy with post-sex regret.

What did we just do?

Summer Winter Fall: Chapter Five

SMUT WARNING: 18+ readers only; this blog is dark and full of terrors!

(DO NOT READ ON! SEXY THINGS AHEAD! YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!)
LIKE SERIOUSLY TURN BACK NOW.

YOU'RE ABOUT TO READ GAY PORN. LIKE SERIOUSLY.

WELL OKAY, IF YOU INSIST...

"Winter, don't leave!" I call to him.  I can't let him go, not this time.  I dart through the door and catch him in the hall.  "Winter, please..."

He turns, his eyebrows ruffled in concern.  "Let. Me. Go."  His voice is quiet, hurt.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry..."  I wrap my arms around his waist.  "Forgive me."

He's quiet.  I want him to hug me back, protect me.  I hold him tighter, urging him to reciprocate. Please...

"No."

No?  A thud in my heart.  And the tears are coming.  What does he mean "No"?

We shouldn't be doing this in the hallway.  Maddie could see us.  But I'm weeping now, my body forcing out the fluid.  If I pull away, Winter will see my face.  I feel his arms lift and he tries to release himself.

"Yan, let me go."

"Hnnn..."  A whimper escapes my lips and I bury my face into his shoulder.  "I can't.  I need you."

What.  What did I just say?  No.  No no no.

"What?"

"I..."  I sniff, fighting the words, relaxing my arms.  "I...  Do you want me?"

He wiggles free from my embrace and places his hands on my damp cheeks, lifting my face to meet his.  "Yes."

His eyes stare into mine, which are probably red and puffy with the crying.

I know he wants to kiss me, but he won't do it.  Not until I kiss him.  And I want to kiss him so badly but I know if I do, it'll break me.  But I want him to break me...  My hand travels down his back and to the front of his jeans, and I feel him over the tight fabric, gently but enough to make him hard.  He closes his eyes, sighing at my touch.

"How much do you want me?"  I ask softly, pushing my hand against him with more vigour.  Winter's eyes are still closed, and light pink rises on his pale cheeks.

"Y...Yan..." His hands slide up under my shirt and he pushes me against the wall.  "I want you so badly..."

I stop touching him, and gently push him away, just enough for me to slide out from between him and the wall, and walk back towards my bedroom.  Without looking back at him, I say "Then come and get me."  I am so smooth.

Not surprisingly, he follows me.  He closes the door and pulls me back towards him, pressing his body against my back.  "Yan, how do you do this to me..."  He kisses my neck, pulling my t-shirt over my shoulder, sending goosebumps dancing across my skin.  His hand slips down my pants and the other up under my shirt again and towards my chest.  My body shudders at his touch.  I pull my hair from the bun and it falls over my shoulder; I don't know what else to do with my hands but pull at Winter's hips from behind me.

"Please... I want your... inside me..." I beg him.

"Not yet," he purrs into my ear.  "I missed touching your body."  He unbuttons my jeans and pushes me against the dresser before shifting his touch around the back.  He wastes no time in forcing his finger inside, but my body welcomes it gladly.  I grasp at the sides of the furniture, sending books and stationery to the floor, trying to control my voice.  My heart is beating so fast... He pushes another finger in and a sudden jolt of pleasure racks my whole body as he hits my sweet spot, forcing me to cry out.  His mouth is at my shoulder, biting and sucking at my skin and his fingers move deeper.

"Winter, please... please..."

"Shhh, baby, there's no hurry," he whispers, licking at my ear.  "I want to take my time."

My legs shake, as he hits the spot again, and I can feel that all too familiar heat rising in my stomach.

 "But I'm... I'm going to..."

And then extreme warmth, the world disappears for those few seconds; all I can feel is Winter's fingers as my body contracts and tightens, and the dresser top under my hands, and the incredible release.

I fall back against him, exhausted.

"Always so quick," he giggles softly.  "I love when you come from just my fingers."

"Shut... up..." I gasp.  My knees are so weak, but I want more.  I turn, pulling his face towards mine and kiss him passionately.  I hunger for his tongue on mine.  He reciprocates immediately, devouring me quickly.  As our mouths play, I push him towards the unmade bed.  He pulls at my t-shirt, and our lips part briefly to hastily undress each other, and we are naked on the sheets.

His body his warm on my lips as I kiss down his chest and towards his lower parts.

"I missed you so much..." he says quietly, sighing as my tongue ventures over his hardness.  His fingers entwine with my hair, gently pulling and stroking, letting me know he's enjoying my mouth.  I hear a small moan from him as I push him to the back of my throat and suck harder.  I can taste him and I don't hate it; I missed his taste.

I can feel him getting close, and I stop, crawling up his body.  "Winter, I want you inside me."

He doesn't hesitate; he grabs my hips and pushes me down on him, his length immediately hitting the spot again and I can't move. My legs are like jelly.

Winter sits up and I wrap my legs around him.  "It's okay, baby..." he says, stroking me a little.  "Is it... too much for you?"

I shake my head and stare at his pretty face.  He grabs my hips and rocks them against his.  I grip his shoulders, digging my nails in, as he kisses my neck.  With every thrust, I can feel both of us getting closer, and all kinds of emotions are rising in my stomach.  I lose control of my body as Winter moves inside of me.

"Winter, I love you, I love you," I say breathlessly, pressing my lips against his as that heat shoots agonisingly through my core, and suddenly the only sense I have is pleasure... I hear nothing, I see nothing... There is only this moment.  Nothing else exists.

I love you, I love you...

Summer Winter Fall: Chapter Four

"Yan, are you okay?"

Christian stands over me, dripping wet and wrapped at the waist with a towel.

"You're getting water on my bed," I say monotonously.

I've been lying here since Winter left.  I feel horrible.  It's not even true...

"Well okay then."  He sounds pissed off, but I don't care.  He disappears in to the bathroom again and slams the door.  I'm thinking he's forgotten about last night's boner incident.

I lean over and grab my phone from the night stand, my thumb hovering over the idle screen.  I want to text him.  I want to apologise.  Should I?  What if he ignores me?  That will kill me.

I check my instant messenger, to see if he's online.  He isn't, but I leave a message anyway.

Yan: I really didn't mean what I said.  Please,  I need to know everything is okay... with us.

> Sent at 12.09pm.

I wait.

I listen to Christian singing quietly as he preens himself.  It's some old pop song that I can't put my finger on.  Probably one he dances to when he's at the drag club...

My phone makes a quiet bleep, indicating a read message. Winter!

> Seen at 12.11pm.

I stare at the screen.  Time passes.

12.12pm.

12.15pm.

12.20pm.

He's not responding.

Yan: Please, Winter.  I'm sorry.  Come over later so we can talk?

> Sent at 12.22pm.

> Seen at 12.22pm.

And time ticks by.  I throw my phone across the room in frustration and it lands in a pile of clothes by the door.  Why won't he talk to me...

But of course I know why.  I did a horrible thing.  And why did I try and make him feel bad about Andrei?  He can do what he likes...  I don't want him to, but he can.  A niggling thought forces its way to the surface of my inner monologue.

Oh, I miss him...

No.  I don't miss him.  I hate him.  He led me astray from Allan and Satou, turned me in to some... sex fiend. 

Chis pops his head around the door.  "Are you done being a diva yet?"

Said the pot to the kettle.

"Whatever.  Let's get some food."

*

Chris and me part ways after lunch.  He could probably tell what a foul mood I'm in, and made an excuse to go home.  Which is surprising given how much he hates being at home.  His dad is a complete asshole and barely speaks to him, which causes his mother not to say much to him either.  That's why he stays at my house so much.  He may as well get his own room, at this rate.

I haven't looked at my messages all afternoon.  I'm too nervous.  I can't stand the idea of Winter ignoring me, but I need to see...

I dart up the stairs to my room to retrieve my phone from the pile, sighing with relief that the soiled pants aren't in it.  That would have been really disgusting...

The red light in the corner is flashing.  I have a message!

Winter:  Okay.  I'll come over in an hour.

> Sent at 12.30pm.

AN HOUR?  I check the time.

It's nearly half one, which means...

The doorbell sounds, as if on cue.  You can't make this shit up...  I quickly check myself in the mirror;  hair still up, but he thinks it's cute... t-shirt is a bit crumpled... jeans are also crumpled... I'm a mess.

I hear Maddie answer the door, and a muffled conversation, inviting the guest in.  And then footsteps on the stares.

Oh God, oh GOD.

I pick up the dirty clothing pile and throw it in the cupboard, and dart to open the window.  He's not even in the room and I feel hot and claustrophobic.  What am I doing, what am I doing?

A knock on the door.  "...Yan?  Are you in there?"

"Um, yeah, come in." Oh God, oh God, oh God.  My whole body is shaking as he opens the door.  I have to stop myself kissing him out of habit.

"You wanted to talk?"

He stands at the door, leaving it open, and crosses his arms.  His tone is almost bored, like he doesn't want to be here, and it kills me a little inside.

"Close the door, I don't want Maddie to hear us talking."

He rolls his eyes at me childishly, and pushes the door shut.  "Why?  I can't imagine what exactly we're going to talk about that's going to take long.  There's nothing to catch, remember?"

"Winter, I said I'm sorry.  I didn't mean what I--"

"But you did.  And it's okay.  I get it, you're taken and I need to back off.  It was just a little fling.  It's my own fault for getting so attached to you, but it was hard not to..."

I can see him softening already.  "No, that's not--"

"I don't think you really... you don't notice stuff, do you?"  He stares at me with those cold blue eyes of his.

"W-what do you mean?"

He sighs.  "You weren't just... a random choice."

The first time it happened was at a party.  One of the guys from Christian's biology class was throwing a party to celebrate the end of the school year.  Of course, we just had to go.  But on the night, Chris came down with food poisoning.  I was devastated, I was so ready to get drunk and forget about school.  I decided to go anyway, alone.  I knew pretty much everyone in that class anyway, and I was bound to find someone to speak to.  But instead of finding someone I knew, Winter found me.  I've seen you around, you're in my English class, right? he said.  I nodded yes and he got me a beer, and passed me the joint that was circulating.  I'd heard a lot about Winter.  He was quiet, but he had a reputation.  I heard he'd already been with a few guys in the year, as well as some in the year above, and even from college out of town.  He wasn't quite as notorious as Andrei, but he'd made a name for himself.  Even Satou knew who he was - he never said how - which was really shocking.  Anyway, even in my drunken state, or maybe because of it, he seemed to glow.  He was the most beautiful person there, even more so than any of the girls.  He started telling me what he thought of the book we'd had to study the last semester, One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest.  He spoke so passionately about it, but I couldn't say I had really paid much attention to it when we were reading it.  Just the animation in his voice and face was truly amazing.  I'm boring you, aren't I? he said.  No, no of course not...I like watching you talk, I said back.  He smiled, a wonderful bashful smile.  Pink flushed on his cheeks as he took a sip from his beer, and my heart jumped in my chest.  I wanted to kiss him then, but I couldn't, not with everyone around us.  I'm going to get some fresh air, I said, half-invitingly.  I don't really know what I was thinking, but I know I wasn't thinking about Allan or Satou.  They ceased to exist at the party.  When we got outside, and I was puffing on a cigarette, with the breeze hitting my face and the alcohol well and truly working, I asked him Is it true what they say about you?  He laughed a little at my question.  I think it's a bit exaggerated...I don't have that much game, he answered honestly.  I smiled, exhaling a cloud of menthol into the air.  Why?  Am I giving you that impression of me? he asked.  No, I was just...curious, I said, looking up at him.  God, he was so beautiful.  He seemed to fit in perfectly with the moonlight.  I stared at him a long time, and he stared back.  You're really cute, is all he said, and then he kissed me.  I dropped my cigarette and let it burn on the concrete as his tongue slipped inside my mouth, making my knees weak and my body hot.  He pulled my body into his, and I could feel his hardness.  My hands found a mind of their own, and started pulling at his clothes.  I needed him.  Yan...here?  I nodded, pulling his hand and lead him into the unattended garage, and towards a thankfully unlocked car.  What if someone catches us? he said, his breathing unsteady as I pulled off his shirt.  I ignored his question though, and devoured his lips again.  He pulled at my sweater, and I pushed him inside the car.  I couldn't get his pants off quick enough, the windows already starting to steam up, and soon he was on top of me and inside me, our lips only parting to bite skin or cry out quietly, my hands grasped at his hair, his back, the seat cushions.  Afterwards, he held me... brushing my hair out of my face, he said Yan, you're so beautiful.  I melted for him then.

And I melt now, as he looks at me intensely, and I remember that first time, and how amazing he felt.

But I can't do this.  I need to fight it because if I go back, I can't face myself.  I can't face Allan, Satou, even Christian.

"I don't care what kind of choice it was, Winter," I say, a slight harshness to my tone.  I brought him here to apologise, but I can feel myself getting defensive.  "It doesn't concern me now..."

He nods.  "Yeah.  I know.  I just wanted you to... know how I felt."

I so badly want to touch him.  I want him inside me right now.

He hasn't moved from his spot by the door.  There is such a distance between us that it's uncomfortable.  "Winter, I'm... I don't know what to do!"

Well that was sudden.  I can feel words coming... words I really don't want to say, but they want to be said.  "I... I don't know what's happening."

He shrugs his shoulders nonchalantly.  "Yan, I--"

"I'm mad that you slept with Andrei, and I'm mad that you make me mad about it!"

"Well--"

"Why?  Why go to him?"

"You made it very clear that you don't want me anymore, what was I supposed to do?"

"Control yourself!"  I realise how dumb I must sound to him.

"Right so... let me get this straight."  He crosses his arms.  "You don't want me, but no one else can have me either."

I swallow.  "Yes."  A lie.  I want him so badly.

He rolls his eyes and scowls.  "You're fucking crazy, you know that?"  He puts his hand on the door handle and turns it.  "Enjoy the rest of your weekend."

I stand and watch him walk out the door for the second time today.

I don't want him to leave...