DORA
By the time I get home, my head is a wreck. I saw Nana staring at my neck before he left work and I know that he knows what it is. Somehow, Fox never even noticed.
And of course, as soon as I stumble through the door, Nana is on me.
"Who the hell gave you that thing on your neck?"
He's lying in bed shirtless, propped up against the wall, laptop on blanketed legs and a cigarette between his fingers.
"At least let me get through the door first before you start the interrogation, yeah?"
I unceremoniously remove my Converse and sit on the bed. Nana shuts his laptop and stares at me.
"Tell me." He takes a long drag from his cigarette, eyeing me suspiciously.
"Why do you care?" I sneer.
He gawks at me, looking wholly dumbfounded. "Because you're like... my roommate." He pauses. "You've been back literally thirty-two hours, and you're already getting yourself into trouble. Trouble like this is why you left in the first place."
I look away, knowing damn well I'm going to lie. "I was so drunk last night that I don't remember where it came from. I don't even remember how I got home."
Nana was asleep when I got home last night, so he can't even argue, but he still narrows his eyes at me. "Is that so?"
"Yeah," I say, standing to get changed. I start stripping off. "You think I'd let someone do this sober?"
"I don't believe that you would while drunk either if I'm honest," he mutters.
"What am I supposed to tell you? I don't remember."
I can't tell him it was Andrei. If I do, he may kill him or interfere. I'm not sure which would be worse.
When I'm finished changing, I glance over. Nana is biting down on his bottom lip, puffing his cheeks out.
"What?"
His eyes flicker to me, and he expels a gust of air from his mouth. "That guy Ren. Ichi's friend."
I turn on my lamp, trying to remain as nonchalant as possible. "Ren? What about him?"
"It wasn't... It wasn't him, was it?"
"No!" I don't know whether that was too much of a reaction or not, but at least I know I'm not lying.
"I just thought he was looking at you kind of weird... and why did he need to get that lighter, anyway? Like, what smoker cares that much about a lighter?"
"I don't know, maybe it was his favourite..." I lie, turning off the light and crawling into bed. "It was a zippo lighter. They're kind of expensive." I can feel myself getting wrapped in this insane web of deceit along with my duvet.
Nana shrugs. "I got the feeling it was just an excuse to see you. I could swear there were some strange vibes between you both before he left."
I stretch out under the duvet and rest my head on the pillow. "I'm going to sleep now, Miss Marple."
"Were there?" Nana presses. "Vibes, I mean. I saw the way you both looked at each other."
"Goodnight, Nana."
He goes quiet after that and turns off the lamp. I listen to him putting his laptop on the floor and settling under his covers. But I don't sleep. All I can think about is Andrei and his teeth, and Ren and his... everything. And about the mess that I've put myself in. And how the hell I'm going to get out of it.
A few weeks pass. I've tried to avoid Andrei, and I've tried to avoid Ren. I've failed at both.
I'm too scared to tell Nana about either of them. I know that he'll destroy Andrei if he finds out what happened - and they've actually been getting on lately - and I don't even know how he'll react if I tell him about Ren. And what would I even say about that? "Oh yeah, Nana, did I tell you? I pulled someone in Japan. Like actually pulled them, and then it turned out to be Number One's old flatmate! What a small world we live in, huh? And yeah, you were right about the vibes. I think I have a crush on him, to be honest, and can only assume he feels the same, because oh yeah, I snogged him that night we all went out. And it was really fucking hot, and I enjoyed it quite a lot. And now I can't stop thinking about him, and you know, it's pretty difficult since he seems to always be at the bar."
Yeah, I can't say any of that to him. Or to anyone. In fact, it's hard enough admitting it to myself.
It's been one year since I started working at the bar and Fox has insisted on marking the occasion. I asked her not to because I don't like being the centre of attention, but she insisted on at least putting up some decorations.
Nana and I come to work in the afternoon to help put them up.
"I'm so glad you guys are here," Fox greets us. "I've also asked Ren to come since he's got the height benefit."
We both roll our eyes at her. Of course, the real reason she's invited Ren hasn't got anything to do with his height because she could have asked Panda. Clearly, she fancies her chances with him. She claims there was a real connection between them since they met a couple of weeks ago, and Ren endlessly flirts with her. How am I supposed to tell her that he's probably only doing it to make me jealous?
Of course, it's been working. It seems to be very easy to make me feel jealous. Number One decided to share some of the stories. You know the type; University Stories; stories about how many girls he'd brought back, and how many - or rather, few - stuck around. Number One tells me of how Ren hasn't had a serious relationship the whole time he's known him. I don't really know how to feel about this, given how many girl's hearts he broke.
A few days after Andrei gave me that love bite, Ren was back at the bar. I wasn't actually working, just having a drink with Panda and Number One, trying to act as natural as possible around him and Andrei. As soon as I saw Ren, I excused myself and went out to the smoking area. Since it was a weeknight and still early, there was no one else out there but me.
I didn't even want to smoke, I just needed air. I didn't know what I was feeling, but my heart was beating like a speeding train, and I could feel my face going warm and red. I stood for a moment, trying to cool down in the hot evening air as I lit my cigarette, but to no avail. And then I heard the door open next to me.
"You just gonna run away from me now?" Ren said, moving towards me.
"You got it."
"Why?"
"Why do you think?" I asked, my voice trembling. I didn't even know why I was panicking this much. If someone came out, nothing suspicious was happening, but now I didn't trust myself around Ren.
"Theo, we need to talk about what the hell is going on here."
"Do we?" I disagreed with that. No, we do not need to speak about anything. Talking never helps. Ever.
"You think I know what's going on any better than you do?" He gazed at me, with eyes more intensely green than usual. "I don't even... I've never done this before."
"Well, that's not true, is it?" The words slipped out, entirely beyond my control. "Ichiro tells me all the time of how many girls you messed around with."
Ren sighed. "That's not even the same. Girls, yes. Messed around, yes. Were there lots of them? Yeah, okay, there were. But it's definitely not the same."
"Because I'm a guy? I don't really see what difference that makes."
"Well, it actually makes a huge difference. Not only are you a boy, but I... I actually..." He went quiet, mumbling the last two words: "...like you."
I inhaled my cigarette deeply, not able to meet his eyes again. "Is this part of a move?"
"What?"
"You know, a move. To get someone to sleep with you."
"I'm not trying to do anything. I like you," Ren said in desperation. "I don't know why, or how." He sighed. "I mean, you're the most difficult person I've ever met, so God knows."
I glared at him sharply.
"I mean, you obviously like me, or you would have already told me to fuck off."
"Fuck off, then." I took another drag of my cigarette, really hoping he wouldn't fuck off.
"Theo."
Ren removed the cigarette from my mouth, took the last pull on it before throwing it to the side, and without exhaling, grabbed my shoulders and kissed me.
I didn't push him away. Part of me wanted to, but only out of stubbornness. Every other part wanted to pull him closer and strip him naked. I'd never felt this kind of electricity with Andrei, and I immediately took note of that. I breathed in the smoke coming from Ren's lungs almost needily like he was oxygen.
And then he pulled away suddenly, his eyes closed.
"How do you feel?" he asked in a breathy whisper.
I looked at his face, afraid of it, yet at the same time in awe. "I don't know."
"Do you..." Ren began, his hands at my neck, his eyes now open. "Do you want to come to mine? Hang out for a bit?"
"Right now?"
"Yeah."
My heart hadn't stopped thumping since I'd seen him walk in, and now it was going faster than I thought was possible. Did I want to?
"Okay."
Of course, I did.
Ren nodded, and we walked out of the alley. As we wandered towards the hotel, we chatted aimlessly about what we could watch on his big television. Part of me knew we probably wouldn't be paying attention to whatever was on the screen, but the other part of me hoped that's all it would be; two people hanging out.
He led me through the foyer, greeting the girl on reception. She obliged when he asked her politely to get one of the night staff to bring a few beers to his room in a while, which eased my mind a little that we wouldn't just tear each other's clothes off as soon as we got behind a closed door.
Once we got to his room, I was almost calm. As I looked around, I was shocked at how fancy it was, which I really shouldn't have been, given Aldana Hotels tend to be.
"This is an exclusive suite," Ren explained as he used a remote to dim the lighting and bring the television out from behind a cupboard door. "It's reserved for staff and celebrities. Kind of cool, huh?"
I gawked, fidgeting awkwardly. "Yeah, it is."
The room was bigger than my entire flat and comprised of a king-sized bed, a double wardrobe, an electric fireplace (which Ren was now pointing the remote towards to turn it on) beneath the television, a full-sized fridge, and an antique-looking velvet sofa.
Ren gestured for me to come into the room more. "The bathroom is just through there." He pointed off to the side. "You need to see it!"
He grabbed my arm and pulled me towards it, and it was pretty much how I had imagined; the bath was enormous, big enough for way more than just one person and the shower had four heads; one coming straight from the ceiling, and three around it, coming from the walls. There were two sinks, and the toilet looked like it might be made from gold.
"I take it you've not been looking for your own place then," I said, still in awe of the entire suite.
"Definitely not," Ren said laughing, as we moved back through to the main room just as there was a knock at the door. "Make yourself comfortable."
As he went to answer the door, I pulled my shoes off and set them next to the sofa, scared of creating any mess in the spotless room. I sat down on the bed and then panicked. What if he thinks I'm presumptuous? I thought, standing up again and walking to the sofa. But what if he thinks I'm not interested?
I started to walk back toward the bed, and Ren came through just as I was mid-way between.
"You can sit down, you know," he said, smirking as he walked towards the bedside table and set the beers down. He gestured towards the bed, and he sat, taking his boots off.
I was nervous as I plopped myself down on the pillows and was consumed by the softness of them.
Ren had already edged himself to the middle, browsing through the Netflix menu as I ran my hands over the bedsheets, not used to this level of indulgence. It was even more luxurious than Andrei's bed.
"What do you fancy?"
I resisted the urge to respond with "Just you", and pretended that I was thinking. "Hm... A horror film?"
I watched Ren smirk again. "How did I know you'd say that?"
We decided on a relatively low-key, low rated, jump-scare-fest because I had a feeling we probably wouldn't make it to the end anyway. Ren handed me a beer, and we started the movie.
I don't know how the foot-long gap between us dwindled to a few centimetres. I don't remember moving, but I must have. About mid-way through the film (I couldn't even tell you what it was about), after the beer was all gone, Ren's arm appeared around my shoulders. He made me feel smaller than I usually felt, even though his height was mostly in his legs. I responded by leaning into his hold and feeling the heat from his body. My eyes that had been glued almost religiously to the screen since we'd started the movie began glancing at his legs and crotch and stomach, silently wishing I could see through the fabric of his jeans and t-shirt. And then I seemingly lost control of my wandering eyes and found myself gazing at his face. He was already looking back at me, and we stared at each other for a moment. All I could think about was that we were on a bed, almost lying down, in a room that no one would barge in and interrupt us.
It didn't take long for our lips to find each other, or for me to pull him on top of me. He lay between my legs, his mouth exploring mine. I wondered why I hadn't enjoyed kissing until now, and why I'd had no interest in sex or anything remotely intimate. Because at that moment, those things were all I wanted to do. In fact, I'd never wanted sex as badly as I wanted it then. As Ren started undressing me, I wondered how much time I'd wasted not having sex, or thinking I didn't want to. And soon, we were both naked, and I was reminded of that night in Osaka, with the dim lighting accentuating the beautiful contours of Ren's body, only my mind was much clearer, my actions less clumsy.
He let me take him in my mouth, and I inwardly wished I'd had some practice at what I was doing. But he didn't seem to mind my inexperience, sighing quietly with every downward movement, stroking my hair gently. Soon, I heard Ren's voice, gently telling me to stop, and he pulled me up on top of him. I felt his hand come around me, but I stopped him.
"Ren..."
"What's wrong?" He looked into my eyes with such concern and adoration, my heart double flipped. "Is this... too fast?"
I shook my head. I stammered, trying my best to get the words out, scared he wouldn't want to do what I wanted, what I needed him to do. "Can you..."
I felt his hand come up between my legs, snaking towards the back. "Here?"
And then I felt his finger go inside me and I gasped, not sure if I enjoyed the sensation or not. I rested my face on his shoulder as he pushed it deeper as if to test how it felt.
And then I felt an intense jolt through my body, and I cried out. I knew where Ren must have touched, but that didn't stop the extreme heat spreading over me.
"Is that okay?" He whispered in my ear, but I could only whimper into his shoulder as he pushed his finger against the spot.
I don't remember our bodies shifting and him lying behind me, while he fumbled in a drawer in the bedside table. I couldn't bear look to see what he was doing, but I had a fair idea, and my suspicions were confirmed as I felt his now wet fingers, only this time they went in easily and quickly. He started to wiggle them inside, and I felt the shock through my core again. It was far more extreme than anything I'd felt before, and I barely noticed the dull pain that accompanied it. He must have done this for ten minutes, with me periodically crying out into the pillow, before I felt him withdraw, and his lips dancing on my neck.
"Do you want to..?"
I couldn't even speak, just nod quickly while my skin tingled.
"Are you sure?"
"Y-yes," I said finally, in a shaken breath.
And then I felt it enter. Ren was slow as he pushed his hips forward with restraint.
It hurt.
I bit down on my hand as I felt my body fill with his hardness. I half wish I'd lost my virginity to someone less well-endowed, but he was so attentive and careful it made me happy it was him.
"Is this okay?" Ren whispered, his lips still kissing my neck as he moved slowly in and out, one arm under my neck, the hand of the other at my waist.
I grew accustomed to the sensation soon enough, and every time he hit the sweet spot, I wanted to give into it. But I held back. I gripped at the sheets as his movements quickened, and I knew he was going to come. And then he stopped.
"What's wrong?" I said, turning my head as much as I could to try and look at him.
"Nothing, I just... I want you to go first." And then his hand came around me, squeezing my erection roughly as he began thrusting again, only this time it was harder, and I couldn't hold on. As soon as the fluids left my body, my mouth relenting to a loud cry, I felt Ren push faster and let out a relieved sigh as he slowed down again.
I must have fallen asleep soon after because the next thing I knew, I was opening my eyes and the room was in darkness. I could feel Ren's warm and still naked body curled around mine, the soft duvet covering us both. His breathing was steady, deep and rhythmic, and I wondered how I'd be able to slip out of bed without waking him. But it was different from last time. Last time, there was no ache of penetration, no time to develop feelings or to learn his actual name. Last time I hadn't felt the shudder in my chest quite as strongly. I hadn't felt the desire to stay.
But this time, it was fear that drove me out of his bed and out of the hotel room.
What have I done? was all I could think to myself. How could I have given myself over to someone so freely, someone I barely even knew?
Someone who wasn't Andrei?
Whenever I'd thought about having sex, it was always Andrei pulling the reins, steering, entering. I'd never even considered that one day it would happen with someone else. Ren isn't even gay, I kept thinking as I'd quietly unlocked the door to my flat and made my way into my own bed, trying not to wake Nana. But am I?
Since that night, Ren has attempted to speak to me alone, but each time, I've brushed him off. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with having feelings for someone else. I'm not even sure how I feel about Andrei anymore. Since the night he "marked" me, he's acted almost as if he's himself again, how he used to be; cheeky, playful, charming. But something is missing. The sparkle in his eyes is absent now, and he looks at me as if it hurts him to do it.
Ren arrives exactly when Fox says he will, looking stunning in a fitted white t-shirt and ripped skinny jeans, a pink cardigan covering his arms that only he could pull off. I try to hide my swoon as he stands to talk to Fox, running his hand through the inky waves of his hair, effortlessly cool and flirtatious.
And I try (and fail) not to feel jealous when he doesn't even look my way.
"Do you maybe want to go get some streamers from the back instead of staring into space?"
I turn to Nana suddenly, his voice snapping me back to reality. "Why don't you get them?"
He glares at me, lifting his already streamer-full hands in front of him. "Just go. And get the steps while you're at it. I have to go to the doctor with Maki in an hour."
I search tiresomely for the ladders, and by the time I return to the front, Nana is looking vexed.
"I thought you'd gone to Narnia to find them!" he says, playful but forced. He takes them from me and begins hanging his streamers above the bar.
I look over to see Ren and Fox still flirting up a storm and approach them sheepishly.
"Fox," I say, looking only at her. "Where should I put these?"
She turns, looking around. "You can start over by the corner, and work your way to the front." She glances towards Ren. "Can you give him a hand?"
"It's fine, I can manage."
"Babe, we've only got one set of steps."
I grab one of the bar stools adamantly and head for the corner.
"Theo, you're going to end up falling."
Ren's words echo a double-entendre in my head. I think I already have.
"I'll be fine."
He follows me. "At least let me hold the stool for y--"
I turn and glare at him. "Just go back to Fox, yeah?" I growl at him, too quiet for anyone to hear.
He looks down at me, matching my volume. "You're the one who's been ignoring me."
I pretend he's not said anything and lift myself onto the stool. As soon as I straighten myself, I know I've made a grave mistake. And as I reach up to attach the streamers, the world disappears under my feet.
I land in a pair of arms, but not before my head clips the end of a table.
I hear concerned voices as Nana and Fox rush towards us.
"Oh my god, I knew I shouldn't have let you do that!"
My eyes struggle to focus properly, the sharp pain throbbing through my temple.
"Ren, take him through the back. I think he's bleeding..."
Her voice fades, and the kitchen materialises around me. I feel the couch under my body.
For fuck's sake.
I want to close my eyes, but Ren is sternly telling me I have to stay awake.
"You might have a concussion." I watch him clatter around blurring in search of the first aid box, before he's in front of my face, dabbing at my head with a cloth. "Maybe I should take you to the hospital."
"No, I'm fine," I mumble. "I just need to... close my eyes for a second..."
Ren's other hand comes to my face. "Theo, stay awake, for God's sake." He gazes into my eyes. "Keep talking to me."
"What am I supposed to say?"
He continues to lightly tap the cloth on my head, holding my hair out of my face. "You could tell me why you've been avoiding me since... you know."
"Because..." I can feel my filter falling away from me as I watch his concerned gaze on the apparent wound. "Just because."
He frowns a little. "Why did you have to leave like that?"
"Isn't that obvious?"
He takes the cloth away from my face, and our eyes meet. "You don't just... do that."
"You didn't care much when I did it in Osaka."
"That wasn't the same, was it? And I did care, actually."
I can feel my heart flip furiously. It wasn't remotely the same; it was worse than Osaka. "Are you telling me you've never skipped out after a one night stand?"
I watch Ren's face crumbling. "Ah, so that's what you think of me."
I want to say Yes. I want to tell Ren that he's just a rebound. I want to keep lying so that my heart might stop hammering my ribs as hard.
My lips part, the words about to fall falsely from them. But my head is still fuzzy, and I can't think straight.
Instead, I break the gaze. "Well, you're obviously over it, so why are we even having this conversation?"
"What do you mean?"
"Fox."
Ren brings the cloth to my head again. "What about her?"
"I've seen you flirting with her." I try not to sound bitter, but I've lost control of my voice apparently.
"That's just... nothing."
"She obviously likes you." I don't think I've ever sounded so scornful. "You should go for it."
"I don't feel like that about her."
"Then why are you making her think you do? I mean, how do I know you're not doing the same with me?"
"I didn't mean for her to think that." Ren touches my cheek, and my skin tingles under his fingertips. "Or you. I only want one person."
Painfully, I meet his eyes again. I can't speak, only stare into that green.
"But if you only see me as a one night stand, then I'm not going to break my back trying to win you over." He bites on his lip. "So, is that how you really feel about me?"
How can he not hear my insides imploding? And my body trembling? He must be able to feel the heat on my face, at least.
"We can't talk about this right now," I reply weakly. "Anyone could walk in."
"Then when can we talk about it? You always avoid me."
As if scripted, I hear shuffling by the door, and Ren continues tending to my forehead, placing a plaster over the cut, as if nothing was going on.
"How's the patient?" Nana says, popping his head around the door, obviously in a rush to leave.
"I'm fine," I say, still shaking.
"I put up the rest of the decorations, so you guys don't need to worry. But really, will you be alright, Dora?"
"Yes, I'll be fine," I growl, this time, my annoyance more apparent. I move away from Ren, waving him off passively, worried what I might do if he stays so close to me. He stands and starts clearing up the first aid supplies lying all over the coffee table, and I move to follow Nana out the door.
But something stops me just as I pass the couch, and it's not just the sudden dizziness in my head. Nana has disappeared, the door swinging shut behind him. I linger in the middle of the room, listening to Ren putting plasters and antiseptic tissues back in the box, apparently not realising I'm still standing here, or maybe just pretending he doesn't.
He moves to put the box back on top of the cupboard, and I turn to look at him. I watch him lean his arms on the counter, his head falling.
"Ren..."
He doesn't look at me. "This isn't easy for me either, you know."
I take a silent step towards him, unable to stop myself.
"I've never felt like this about a guy, or done anything like that with one. It's driving me crazy."
I stare at his back, wishing he'd turn around. I want to tell him I'm sorry that I've made him feel like this and that I feel it too. I want to admit I like him, and that's why I want to kiss him right now. I want to stop hating myself for being the way I am. But I can't seem to do any of it.
"I thought I could convince myself you weren't just using me to make Andrei jealous."
I feel a pang in my stomach. "What?"
"It makes sense, I suppose. Fight fire with fire and all that."
I frown. "No, Ren -"
Finally, he turns. But now I wish he hadn't. The pain in his face is unbearable. "I bet you loved telling him I fucked you, right?"
"I didn't even -"
"God, I really am so stupid to have actually thought you might like me." He smirks. "Just... forget everything I said."
Ren darts past me swiftly, and I try to follow him, but I'm not quick enough. I watch him walk out, just in time to see Number One, Panda and Andrei flood through the doors.
Shit.
No comments:
Post a Comment