ICHI
My heart is in tatters. I didn't think it would hurt this much to walk away from someone, to hear him calling after me as if I'd just torn his soul from his chest, bloody and cowardly like the boy from whom it came.
I took Panda into a quiet corner of the club.
"Ichiro," he'd said, laying his hands on my face, making me feel faint. "I --"
But I stepped away from him, already convinced I'd become weak for him if I let him near enough. "No," I said harshly. Panda's eyebrows furrowed. "I can't do this."
He ran a hand down my arm. "Then we can go somewhere more private."
"That's not what I mean."
"What's wrong?"
I could feel my teeth grinding. "We need to stop this. Right now," I said, trying to seem as severe as possible. "I mean it. I'm finishing this."
He tilted his head with narrowed eyes and licked his lips a little, making my heart jump. "What?"
"I don't..." I paused, knowing damn well I was about to tell the biggest lie I've ever told. "Don't want you anymore."
His lips parted, shocked at first, and then curved into a cruel smile. "You're a fucking liar."
"You think I won't walk away from you?" I could feel anger rising in my chest like lava, hot and devastating and ready to destroy everything in its path.
He raised his arched brows. "I know you won't."
"Fuck you."
I turned on my heel and started marching toward the door leading to the lobby, but I felt his hand grab my arm. "Ichiro, why are you doing this?"
I spun around, feeling sick and hateful. The lava was coming, with toxic and detestable words, and before I knew it, my mouth opened, and everything poured out.
"Because you're a mess! You think you can do what you want with people because you're beautiful! But you're full of shit. You force me to be the worst version of myself. You're like fruit that's all pretty on the outside and rotting on the inside; you make me feel sick, and I'm exhausted." I barely noticed that Panda was crying until I stopped for air. "You've exhausted me of any feelings I had for you."
He opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out.
"I would've done anything for you," I said, my voice finally starting to crack. "But now, I don't even want to be near you."
I didn't wait for a reply or reaction. Without noticing the people around me, or the loud music making the floor vibrate, I legged it into the lobby and burst through the front doors, alerting several other people standing outside. I saw Nana instantly, his pink hair like a beacon in the night.
And then I heard Panda's voice behind me.
"Ichiro!"
Even though I was internally telling myself just to keep walking towards Nana, I couldn't stop myself from turning. "I said I'm done."
Seeing his tear-stained face, and his big beautiful eyes so full of agony, burned every part of me. "But I -!"
"Panda, there is nothing you can say that's going to make me want you," I said, trying my hardest to stay firm but I could feel myself disintegrating under the weight of my beating core of anger. "It's over."
He held fast to my arm, trying to pull me back. "You're lying to yourself. How can you change your mind so suddenly?"
Remembering last night, feeling my heart burst in my chest, I jerked my arm away. "Why would I want to be with someone who treats me like you do?"
It's as if he could see into my mind. He looked away, unable to maintain his pleading gaze. But I wanted to give him this moment. I wanted to give him an opportunity, one last chance, to prove himself. To fight for me. Because I wasn't ready to walk away.
But he said nothing.
And with my chest feeling like bricks were crushing it, I uttered my final words to him and walked away.
With every step, I could feel my ribs caving in. My stomach knotted. My heart was in flames.
I don't remember the walk to Nana's.
"Can I get you some tea or something?"
I look up at him from the bed. "Sure."
The room feels more spacious, empty of Theo and his dark scowl and the tinny sound of music bursting through his headphones.
A few minutes later, Nana returns with two cups of green tea and sits across from me, on his sofa bed.
Neither of us knows what to say now. I blow absently on my tea, wondering what must be going through Nana's head. I've been the worst friend imaginable lately, and I can't even guess why he's so kind to me now. I wouldn't expect him to give me the time of day, let alone let me come over after dumping his brother.
"I'm sorry, Nana," I whisper into my cup.
He's quiet for a few seconds. "For what?"
I glance up. "Just... everything."
"Forget about it," he says with a smile. "Do you want to talk or anything?"
"Maybe in the morning."
NANA
We don't talk about it in the morning, and I'm glad. But I can't stop myself from feeling immense sympathy for Ichi as he hauls himself out of Theo's bed.
"Take as long as you need," I tell him, watching him nod solemnly and drag his feet across the room towards the bathroom.
I'm on my second cup of coffee already, and it's only nine a.m. I text Maki quickly, as he suddenly crosses my mind, to check he's alright.
He responds quickly.
- Everything is okay. I was tired.
I want to reply with something along the lines of "But, Maki, you were so happy to have a beer!" but I decide not to push it. I choose instead to invite him over for a jam later, overwhelmed with the sudden desire to see him.
- Aren't you busy with Ichiro today?
My heart sinks.
How did he even know I was with Ichi?
I type out a reply quickly - "No, why would you ask that? Come over!" - when Ichi emerges from the bathroom, looking distraught and gorgeous in only a towel wrapped at his waist. I glance away, hoping I'm not blushing at his glistening near nakedness.
He ruffles a smaller towel through his hair.
"You know, your flat may be small and a little damaged, but that shower has incredible water pressure."
I laugh a little. "Much like its inhabitants..."
I cook breakfast for us both while Ichi gets dressed. As I fry up bacon and bread, I notice that the temptation to peek around the corner of the door in the hopes of catching a glimpse of Ichi's bare and pale skin is a lot fainter than it was last time he stayed, and I start regretting not telling him about Panda. I busy myself making more coffee, a freshly lit cigarette between my lips, and think about guitar melodies, and how Maki would sound with his haunting voice matching it.
The food is still cooking when Ichi saunters through and coolly removes the cigarette from my mouth before bringing it to his lips and taking a drag.
"You know, I would have given you your own," I say, half-joking.
He makes a face, looking at the cigarette with disdain, before placing it back where he found it. "These American cigarettes you smoke..."
"They're Marlboro!" I say. "They're pretty expensive."
He makes a disgusted face, reaching for the pack of Seven Stars in his pocket.
And again, I notice the extra beat my heart doesn't make and the hotness that doesn't overcome me; the reactions my body would have once made with these kinds of interactions with Ichi.
And instead of me getting all hot and bothered, I serve our breakfast - such as it is - and we sit down to eat, agonising over Maki's reply.
MAKI
It's not long after nine a.m when my phone vibrates.
- Are you okay? I came back last night and you were gone.
I feel angry. Why would I stick around? Nana was obviously a little distracted by his beautiful prince... The way he'd seemed when Ichiro spoke to him was so obviously in love. All he could see was him, and I no longer existed. I couldn't even look at them. And then he just left without saying anything.
I'd downed my beer after that.
"What's up with you?" Tamaki asked. "Pace yourself, man."
"I'm going home."
"Already? The night is still young!" Amber said, laughing cheerfully.
Tamaki looked at me, his eyes charged with anxiety. He took me to the side, out of Amber's earshot. "It's Nana, isn't it?"
"What do you mean?" My voice shook a little. "I said nothing was going on."
"I believe you..." he said slowly. "But you like him, don't you?"
"As a friend, yeah."
"No, as more than that." Tamaki sighed. "Am I the only straight person in this town?"
"Tam, c'mon, it's not..." I couldn't even finish my sentence. He was looking at me in a way that told me he knew me too well to know when I was lying. After all the years I spent hiding what was going on with Sen and me, I felt disappointed in myself for being so transparent.
"Why are you so sad about it, anyway?" He smiled, placing a gentle hand on my shoulder. "You guys get on great, and as much I don't like the idea of some punk feeling up my little brother --"
"He's not into me like that."
"Isn't he?" Tamaki raises his eyebrows. "I kind of thought he was..."
"Trust me; he's not." I didn't want to have this conversation. Saying it out loud was only making me feel worse than I already did.
"But the way you guys are with each other..."
"It's all me, Tam," I growled.
"Not just onstage, though --"
"Can you drop it?"
"Fine, okay. Sorry."
I turned away from him. "I'm going now. Make sure the equipment gets home safe."
I didn't wait to hear his reply, but he didn't try to stop me.
I slept uneasily. All I could think about was Nana and Ichiro, and my slowly shattering soul.
A very drunk Tamaki woke me at seven a.m, banging on my door.
"Maki!" he yelled, probably waking up everyone else on our floor. "Maki! Come out!"
I opened my door. "What the hell?"
He pushed past me and fell onto my bed. "I think Nana likes you."
I sighed, mumbling under my breath, "Not this again..."
"When he saw you'd left, he looked proper gutted. You should have stayed!"
"Oh god, you didn't say anything to him, did you?" I could feel panic crushing me. "Oh god, no..."
"Chill, bro," he said, sounding way too calm for my liking. "I just said you weren't a night owl. And then he left with that guy."
I gawked at him with my eyes narrow, slack-jawed. "What guy?" Of course, I knew who he meant.
"Itchy..?"
I grabbed Tamaki by his arm and hauled him off the bed and to his feet, which wasn't easy. My stomach was spinning in powerful somersaults.
"I still think you should try it. Or does Nana like girls?"
I began to drag him across the room when he stopped. "Maki. Don't let him hurt you."
With his last words, he finally stumbled out of my room, and I tried to get back to sleep again.
Nana's text surprises me a bit.
I say that everything is fine, which is a massive lie. But how can I possibly tell Nana the truth? That I think Ichiro isn't suitable for him? I mean, the guy ran off with his brother, then came crawling back when things didn't work out. What kind of friend does that?
Of course, I know that my hatred for him stems from my problem, but I can't help but despise that flawless bastard.
A few minutes pass, and I hear my phone vibrate again.
- Are you free to come over later? I thought we could jam.
I stare at the screen, feeling all kinds of different levels of anger. I want to see Nana, and I want to be near him. But I don't want to be his second choice.
- Aren't you busy with Ichiro today?
I send and regret it immediately, my idiocy consuming me. I wait in pain for a reply, but it doesn't come.
NANA
Ichi leaves just before noon, and I recheck my phone to see if Maki's texted me back yet.
And then I see I never sent my last text. Shit... he'll think I'm ignoring him.
I tap on his number and wait until he answers.
"Hey." His voice is soft, and it immediately comforts me. "What's up?"
"Sorry, I didn't realise I hadn't pressed send."
"What?"
"I thought I texted you... Please come over."
He laughs. "I'm studying."
"Screw that; I'm way more fun than books." I pout, hoping he can hear it through my voice. "Please?"
"I have to study. I got like three essays due this week."
I sigh. "Well, I'll see you on Thursday then?" My heart breaks a little at the thought of waiting five days to see him again. And it's not like we'll actually be hanging out since it's for practise and it's undeniable Tamaki is getting sick of us wasting time.
"Yeah. Gotta make your boss's birthday extra special, right?"
As I hang up, I try to fight my overwhelming apprehension over playing at Black Cat next weekend.
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