PANDA
I didn't think it was possible to go so long without sleeping, not without fainting from exhaustion. I always thought your body would grow so tired you would just pass out. I was horribly mistaken.
I have not slept in five days, since Fox's birthday. It's Wednesday now.
No matter how tired I feel, my mind is plagued by my loneliness. I can't sleep, can't eat, or even think, because every time I do, all I hear is Ichi's voice. If I shut my eyes for too long, his face appears in my restless mind. And eating anything without being sick is unquestionable. I try to remember the last time I felt like this. It was probably when I had the flu two years ago. But this is worse. At least with the flu, I knew it would go away, and I could take a couple of painkillers to ease my suffering.
I think it would take three boxes and a bottle of wine to make this feeling go away.
Wine. Now there's an idea...
It's only ten a.m, but I grab the cheap prosecco from the fridge anyway and open it. I toy with the notion of some kind of vessel but find myself bringing the bottle straight to my lips. Just as I'm about to tip my head back, the doorbell rings.
"For fuck's sake..."
I grudgingly set the bottle down gently on the counter. Before opening the door, I peer through the view hole and see a bright flash of pink.
"Go away, Nana," I growl through the door.
"You can't keep avoiding me forever. Even if you don't let me in now, you'll still have to see me at Christmas."
I sigh, rolling my eyes. I leave the chain on the door before opening it a crack.
"What do you want?"
"To see how you're doing," my brother says. "But you seem like you're doing shit."
"Well, now you have your answer so you can go."
Nana glares at me. "Let me in, or I will kick your door down. I am small, but I am mighty."
"Fine!" I scowl and undo the chain lock.
He follows me through to the kitchen, where I grab my wine.
"Dude, it's ten in the morning."
"If you're going to stay, you're going to let me drink."
Soon, we are in the living room, and he's sitting on The Couch across from me, leaning forward with his elbows on his thighs.
"Why have you been dodging my texts?" he asks, eyebrows furrowed.
"Because you're a traitor and I hate you now."
Nana rolls his eyes. "Oh, shut up, you don't hate me, you drama queen."
I stare at him. Growing up, I'd said this phrase to Nana many times. When I was six, and he broke my rocking horse; on my first day of high school when he called me a "big gay" in front of all of his friends; on my last day of high school when he borrowed my eyeliner and accidentally dropped it in the toilet. Each time, he'd say the same thing back. It was almost like a tradition now - except when I was sixteen, and he caught me going down on my boyfriend, and so he pretended he was my secret lover; in that case, he just started crying "How could you do this to me, Sebastian!" before I threw a pillow at him.
But, this time, I feel different.
"You really hurt me, Nana. I needed you."
He looks away. "I know... I'm sorry."
We sit in silence for a few seconds before he speaks again.
"I didn't know you felt so strongly about Ichi. I thought he needed me more."
"It doesn't matter who needed you more; I'm your brother!" I can feel myself losing my temper, the lack of sleep not helping the situation one little bit.
"Have you slept much lately?"
"That's a bit of a segway, isn't it?"
"Panda."
I feel my eyes soften. "No, I haven't." Nana looks at me with that concerned face of his, his mouth downturned in a pout.
"Have you eaten?"
"No..."
"Do you love him?"
I can feel all the emotion coming back up, fuelled by the lack of sleep and nutrition and social contact. And it all floods out at once.
I find my voice through sobs. "So much."
Nana darts around the coffee table and wraps his arms around me and I lean into him, letting the tears attack my body, my eyes squeezing them out in rapid bursts.
"I thought so," Nana says, his voice low. "You always look like shit when you're in love."
"You're such a twat," I say through a spluttery laugh. "Always gotta kick me when I'm down."
Just his smile is enough to make me feel a little better. I realise now that I haven't cried since the night Ichi broke up with me, and as I find myself losing concentration and then consciousness, I understand...
It's getting dark when I wake up. I hear clattering in the kitchen and dart up from the couch, breathing heavily. Where am I and what time is it and who the hell is in my kitchen?
Then I remember that Nana came over, and I cried. I must've fallen asleep mid-sob. I can smell food cooking and my stomach grumbles in reply.
I stumble through the hall and to the brightly lit kitchen. Nana is standing by the stove, and there are two pots on the hob; one being stirred and one with a lid. I have no idea what's in either.
"What the hell are you cooking?"
"You're awake! Finally." Nana takes a spoonful of whatever is in the pan and holds it out to me. "Taste this."
I look at him warily. "What is that even made of?"
He looks at me like I'm insane. "Tomatoes? Meat? Vegetables? It's chilli, what else would I make it with?"
"Did you... buy me groceries?" My tone is somewhere between horrified and grateful as I take the spoon from him.
"Well, you were out cold, and I got bored," Nana adds more spices to the sauce and takes the spoon back. "You know you've got like no food, right?"
I ruffle my hair, realising it must look like a dead pigeon. "Yeah. I've not been out much lately."
He shakes his head at me disapprovingly. "You should go shower or something."
"Are you implying something?"
"Yes. That you smell. Now go," Nana says, pointing out the door towards the bathroom. "Dinner will be ready in twenty minutes."
I glower at him and make a disgruntled sound before I obey him.
I'm surprised by how much better I feel after showering and eating a proper meal. My heart is still aching, but at least my brain is functioning correctly now.
Nana helps himself to some of the wine from earlier and cautiously hands me a glass.
"This is awful fancy."
"It was only a fiver," I say, sipping. I grimace. "It's very evident."
"Let's get serious for a second." Nana puts his glass on a coaster. "Do you want Ichi back?"
"Nana, can we not --"
"Listen to me." He coughs. "Ichi loves you. You love Ichi. What's the problem?"
"He hates me."
"You need to talk to him."
"I tried that already, but he totally blew me off," I say, feeling frustrated. "Can we just drop it?"
"You can't give up on him!" I can see Nana clenching his fists. "You need to fight for him if you want him back."
"He had a good reason for breaking up with me," I object. "I don't even blame him."
"Panda, we all know what a selfish, dramatic, bratty little prince you are," he says, staring at me in exasperation. "When have you ever let go of something you want?"
I shrug, uncomfortable with the conversation.
"I remember that time you stole my Gorillaz t-shirt and refused to give it back just because you wanted it. It didn't even fit you, but you insisted you should have it, and you made such a big deal over it I couldn't even be bothered fighting you for it anymore."
"Your point?"
"Do you want Ichi more than you wanted that stupid t-shirt?"
"Of course I do," I say with a sigh. "What kind of dumb question is that?"
"Then why aren't you putting up more of a fight?"
"Because..!" I grip at my hair in defeat. "Ichiro is a person! He's never going to take me back. You didn't hear everything he said. He hates me."
"Bull shit, he loves you. It doesn't matter what he said. He was upset and angry at you. People do stupid stuff when they're angry..."
Nana's eyes fall for a second.
"Okay."
He looks back up at me. "Okay?"
"Okay, I'll try harder."
He nods, his face still serious. "Good."
I don't even know if Ichi is at home or not, but I get in a taxi and head over there regardless. I'm fearful, not sure whether I want him to answer the buzzer or not. But just before I reach the door to the building, a tenant goes through it, and I dart in after them. Once the elevator reaches his floor, I dart along the hall and knock on his front door.
I can hear him when he comes to answer, but he must be able to see me through the peephole.
"Ichiro, I can hear you."
He waits a few seconds before opening the door. "Why are you here?"
"I'm not having this conversation in your hallway."
He looks defeated as he steps aside to let me into his flat. I follow him into the living room, and it dawns on me how much I've missed being here. The dim lighting and stylish furnishings are immediately comforting. I never thought he'd let me in here again.
I know Ichi is hesitant to have me in his home. He paces nervously like a caged animal, unsure of what to do with himself or what to say. But my heart is so full for him that I have to hold back from gushing over his transcendence.
"I broke up with him."
He stops pacing but doesn't dare meet my eye. "I know."
"I was going to tell you that night at the club."
His silence is heavy and weighs on me like a tonne of cement.
"Ichiro, I didn't mean to make you feel like..." I have to bite my lip to stop myself from crying. "Like I didn't care about you."
He flinches as if the word strikes him.
"I should have stayed that day, but I just wanted to phone him and break up with him as soon as I could. I should have called you and told you straight away. There are so many things I did wrong, and I can't even begin to make you understand how sorry I am."
Finally, he looks at me. His eyes bore into mine as if he can see inside me.
"I miss you." My voice is barely even a whisper.
"You can't come over here," Ichi says, his voice quavering. "And just... tell me you miss me and that you're sorry and think I'll relent."
"What else can I do?" I beg him. "Tell me. I can't stand this... this pain."
"So you're here for yourself," he scoffs.
"No! I'm here because I want to be with you, and I love you." I cross my arms. "And I'm not leaving until you -"
"You love me?"
"Obviously!"
"Well..." He softens. "I don't know what to say."
"You don't really need to say anything."
Ichi takes a step closer to me. "Do you mean it?"
I nod. "I wouldn't say it otherwise."
The look he's giving me - a mixture of fear, adoration and hesitation - makes me giddy. I reach out for him, taking his face in my hands.
"Am I still your Holy Grail?"
"Yes," he says, so quiet I can barely hear him. "Always."
"I'd rather be your boyfriend."
A small laugh escapes his lips, reminding me it's been too long since I kissed him. I feel a twinge in my stomach, the kind of ache that makes me want to bundle Ichi in my arms and shower him in all types of affection. I feel his hands come up to my waist, pulling me closer, but I resist the temptation. Instead, I wrap my arms around his shoulders and rest my forehead against his, our noses gently touching. I close my eyes.
His hands sneak up my body and up to my face. I feel his thumb graze my lips and my chin with a little pressure. I can tolerate it no longer; I bring our mouths together, and Ichi's fingers entangle with my hair, making me shiver. It's a slow kiss, deep and full of words that haven't been said yet and probably won't be for a little while at least. Once again, my world is abundant in Ichi. And as I drag him to bed, I feel fuller than I could ever imagine was possible.
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