Warning: 18+ readers only; this blog is dark and full of terrors!
Drifting away into the quiet slumber paradise is easy once the graveyard soil buries me, and it's as if I'm sinking peacefully into the ocean. I imagine the vast, clear water devouring me, sending me into that slow, relaxed, dream-like state that I've wallowed in for so many days now. Only this time, all these new memories flood my subconscious, spilling from my eyes, drowning me softly, and I need it.
I dream of mortal life and mortal love. And I remember it wholly, all at once, as if it's still happening before me.
I was born Nikolai Romanenkov in the grand Lancaster family castle on southern England's beautiful western coast. But honestly, my life was anything but as splendid.
In the early 1780s, my grandparents fell victim to white slavery by the Tatars, who brought them to England and sold them to the prestigious Lancaster family. They had arrived separately but fell in love shortly after meeting, and it wasn't long until my mother came along. It wasn't easy bringing up a child in such a home, but the Lord and Lady Lancaster were sympathetic and allowed them to stay as long as they promised that their child would continue to work for them. So my family lived quietly in the modest servant's quarters for seventeen years until my willful mother met a burly and charming fish merchant and ran away with him. My grandparents worried for their future with the Lancasters, given their agreement. Fortunately for them, my mother quickly got pregnant and returned to the castle, unceremoniously dumped by her prince charming. So, not so fortunate for her.
Once I was born, Lady Lancaster moved my family into different quarters after taking pity on the four of us sharing such a small space along with two other immigrant families. Regretfully we were treated with favour, the Lord and Lady allowing only my family to attend church on Sundays and giving us more desirable jobs to do around the grand home. My mother and grandmother would often finish their work quickly and try to help with other tasks, but it didn't always work out well, and the other slaves would get punished for letting them help. It caused a lot of animosity among the families, so they learned to stay out of everyone's way and let them be.
Until the age of twelve, I occasionally played with the Lancaster boys and girls and worked at an older age than the other slave children. If it hadn't been for my conspicuous darker features and thick brows among all the fair and delicateness of the castle youngsters, one might've mistaken me as one of them with how the family often treated me. After I was too old to play with the other children and my family finally put me to work, I would spend my days sweeping up the stables and helping the staff tending to the noble horses. Once I turned thirteen, my family decided to bring me to mass, ensuring that I was both a servant in the castle and to God. And when I wasn't serving the altar at church, there I'd be with the horses.
For four years, I spent every hour of daylight sweeping hay and shovelling shit and shoeing hooves. I grew tall and strong, and I loved the work. I think I was the happiest then in my mortal life. The other young servants envied me for my favour with the family, so they iced me out, leaving me to my labour alone most days.
My only real friend close to my age was Master Madison Lancaster, one of the many sons of the castle. He was fond of horseriding and was forever coming to the stables to take one of the mares out for a run in the hills, and I quickly learned to keep his favourite ride in impeccable condition to stay in his admiration. Even in my young teen years, I was envious of his freedom, elegance, and wealth. It was nothing I'd ever experienced, and I used to pray that one day I'd be beautiful, free and influential too.
As we both grew, him only a year older than I, we became closer than a servant and master should, sneaking out after the day's work was over and riding into the night with stolen horses, bottles of homemade cider, and tensions shared between us.
Madison was stunning; glowing, pale skin, lightly freckled in the summer and like porcelain in the winter; bright green and grey eyes lined with long dark lashes; soft blonde hair that shone in the sun and moonlight. And at sixteen, I was noticing things in him I should've been seeing in his sisters instead.
It was a very gradual change in our friendship. I first realised things were different not long after my sixteenth birthday; it was a Sunday, and I was up on the altar with the priest and other servers. I remember the feeling so clearly, the sense of someone intently watching me. I turned to look at all the figures filling the pews, and my eyes immediately landed on Madison, his gaze fixed on me and a slight smirk on his lips, a faint blush on his cheeks. It made my heart jump, catching him watch me brazenly like that, so I uncontrollably smiled back. For the rest of the mass, I felt his lingering stare following me every time I moved across the floor.
After mass was over, my mother and I piled into the carriage that would take us back to the castle with Lady Lancaster and her son. Madison had rushed in after me, pressing his side against mine, our mothers squeezing in next to us. I remember the burn of my skin under my clothes just having him so close to me, his hand on his knee, daring to touch mine with his knuckle slightly.
As soon as we arrived back at the castle, we went our separate ways, scattering across the estate. I ran straight to the stables to begin working, making sure to start with Madison's favourite mare, brushing down her fur and talking to her softly while the other stable boy ignored me like usual.
It wasn't long before the young Master appeared like he usually would, suddenly in a flash of grace and charm, in his ridiculously flattering riding gear. He quickly excused the other stable boy, ordering him to go rest in the servants' kitchen. Unsurprisingly, the boy gladly obliged, leaving me with Madison in the barn.
It was the first time we'd been alone together in the daylight since hitting puberty, but instead of thinking anything inappropriate, I hurried to finish suiting up his mare.
"What were you looking at so fondly this morning?" I asked him bravely, taking advantage of the quiet moment between us, no other servants bustling around us. I watched Madison close the front of the stable quietly as I brushed down the horse for the hundredth time.
"Oh, it was nothing. Just... wandering thoughts."
"Thoughts of what, exactly?"
He smiled demurely, glancing away, and he stepped a little closer as if to investigate the quality of my grooming. "Kolya, do you not find... it unusual?" he asked with an air of awkwardness, calling me by my pet name and ignoring my question entirely, running a hand softly over the mare's glossy coat. "That I'm so fond of you?"
I smiled, reaching for a saddle, trying to ignore the rising tension, avoiding any eye contact. "Not really. I'm rather grateful. You know all the others my age hate me."
"They don't hate you. They're just jealous."
"Perhaps. But who's fault is that?"
Madison chuckled a little, the sense of his almost amorous gaze overwhelming me. "Maybe you should try enchanting them as you have me. I happen to find you quite captivating."
I fumbled, sending the saddle sliding off his mare. My cheeks were burning red, the stable abruptly feeling much hotter, and not just from the summer sun. I suddenly felt incredibly self-conscious in my tattered trousers and frayed work boots, my torso bare and glistening from the heat of the barn and Madison's presence.
"Come riding with me tonight," he whispered, stepping even closer, with an air of mischief about him. He'd said this line to me many times before but never with this tone, and I grew even more flustered by it.
I felt his hand on my arm, stroking up towards my shoulder, and I turned to face him. His fingers travelled gently up to my neck, sending tingles all over my skin. I looked over to the door, suddenly terrified that someone would barge in, but Madison had already bolted it. Sunlight shone through the gaps in the wooden panels, decorating the room in bright stripes, but I could see the look in Madison's eyes as clear as in daylight.
"Ride with me tonight," he whispered again, this time his voice causing shivers to dance up my spine before he pulled me closer, bringing me into a forbidden kiss I'd never tasted before. His lips were slow and wet, and I grabbed at his shirt with urgency, overcome with ardour.
The embrace was brief; both scared that someone would catch us. Madison stepped back away from me, his hands gliding off me slowly, almost sensually.
"Let's meet at the usual time."
And he left the barn before I could protest or agree. Nevertheless, I met him that night to go to our spot.
The sun hadn't yet set when we made it to the top of the wooded hill we often sat on to watch the castle below. We could see the entire estate from up there, spreading over a mile long, a few candles and fires still ablaze, lighting up the windows. We stayed silent, sitting close, watching the sky go from blue to orange, pink, then finally black with twinkling white specks spanning for miles, the moon bright above us. We didn't speak until all the lights of the castle went out.
"Have you heard that a few of the servants from other estates have gone missing?"
I glanced over to Madison, the twilight illuminating his lovely face. "No... what do you mean by missing?" I asked somewhat redundantly.
"They disappeared... No one knows where they're supposed to have gone, but they vanished. As if into thin air." He frowned. "I'm worried someone is taking them... I wouldn't want them to find you. They're bound to want you."
I smiled, looking up at the sky once more. "And pray, what would they want with me, Maddie?"
"Well, you know..." I felt him move a little closer. "I've heard about certain places from some merchants at the docks. Places they send... pretty boys to."
I slowly turned to him, noting the seriousness in his eyes. "Don't worry about that. They'd have to catch me first." I nudged him playfully, trying to make him smile at least a little, but he reached for my hand, holding it tenderly.
"You're my favourite person."
The sincerity in his voice sent a rumble through my entire body, giving me the urge to kiss him again. I wanted him to pull me into that sinful embrace, to feel his body heat against me.
I didn't feel the eyes on me from behind the trees. I didn't sense anything unusual in the grass or lurking beyond the branches. All I felt was Madison, then his lips and hands, and the ever-so-slight feeling of guilt. As he lay on top of me, all I could think about was him, his fingers unbuttoning my shirt and mine pulling the cord of his trousers, the romantic light and the stars.
As we lay together after, giving gentle kisses, the warmth of our naked bodies staving off any of the night's chill in the air, it seemed like we both forgot we were outside, that we were men and that I was his servant. It didn't matter to us at that moment until we heard our horses stir in distress from beneath the trees.
We both panicked, listening to branches crunch under running steps, away from where the horses were. We dressed quickly in a panic and mounted our shaken mares.
"You go back. I'm going to ride out and see if I can find anyone..."
"Please be cautious," I said gently, but he just looked at me with pain.
"Just... get back safely." He smiled slightly. "Meet me tomorrow at the barn. After dark."
And with that, he rode off into the trees.
I felt it then, the eerie eyes gazing on me, making my soul cold and afraid. But I was too scared that someone from the castle had caught us to pay more attention to that feeling.
I wish I had done. That same sensation, as if something was watching me, followed me back to the castle and didn't go away until I was safely behind the doors of the servant quarters.
Madison never appeared at the stables in the morning like he usually did. By the afternoon, I had searched the castle for him, asking a few servants if they'd seen him return, or at all. When he hadn't surfaced by the early evening, my worry was exhausting me. Had he been taken by someone in the woods, like he feared would happen to me? Or was he hiding away in shame of what we had done? I was not too fond of either idea, and I was panicked at the thought of meeting him at nightfall. And yet still, I dutifully stood by the stable at midnight for him.
I waited for an hour, energy depleted, and by the time I heard footsteps towards me, I'd already started to nod off on the ground, leaning against the door.
I jumped up at the sound and peeked around the side of the barn, but no one was there. I stepped out, calling out in a whisper.
"Maddie? Is that you?"
Wind bustled in the trees, and I let out a sigh. But instead of hearing my breath through my lips, I heard an unfamiliar voice behind me.
"He's not coming."
I turned around and almost fell into a mess of red hair under a black cloak. Before I could even cry out, everything went dark.
I awoke in a dull, humid room, hazy and unsure, my head thumping as if I'd drank my body weight in cider the night before. I sat up and turned my head only to feel a sharp pain in my neck and my fingers lifted to a minor wound, a sting igniting under my touch. I looked around in the dark, forcing my eyes to adjust to the room surrounding me. I knew it was still dark outside because of a tiny, barred window high up on the tall wall above my head. Two sconces lent the smallest amount of light, whilst an oil lamp beside me remained unlit, and I found myself on a surprisingly luxurious bed inside what seemed like a stone dungeon with metal bars blocking off a dark abyss beyond. Around me, I tried to make sense of the space; the stack of books and desk by the bed, the crude wooden box in the corner... Had I been taken by the people of whom Maddie had been so afraid? Was he here too, somewhere in the shadows? Or was he already gone? I held my breath, hoping to hear another body breathing somewhere, but no matter how hard I listened, there was only crippling silence.
Trying to ignore the overwhelming sense of despair, I slid off the soft covers and stepped towards the bars to look into the darkness. It took a few seconds to see it; a figure sat upon an armchair a few metres away. And when it came into view, I jumped back in fright, almost crying out.
"Who are you? What do you want from me?"
"You should be grateful," the figure said, a faint accent on its lips, the voice unclear of gender. I didn't see it stand or even move, but it stood at the bars in a second.
I still couldn't see a face, only the luxurious velvet gown trailing around the figure and the long curls down by its waist. I retreated as far as I could, my back pressing against the cold wall.
"Why? What did you do? What do you want?" I had so many questions, but this creature had no intention of answering them. It stepped away, slowly moving across the floor, and more sconces lit up as a set of stairs appeared from the darkness.
"I'll have some food brought to you soon. Please rest well."
I watched the figure silently glide up the steps as if its feet weren't touching the ground, and the fear in my heart grew stronger as the lights all diminished again. I didn't see the figure again for a long time.
Every night, exhausted from my tears, I would fall asleep painfully, and when I'd awaken, a large plate of food would be waiting on the desk. It was always extravagant, such food I'd never eaten before; slow-cooked meats with roasted vegetables and rich flavours, always plated elegantly. I couldn't understand why someone imprisoning me would be feeding me so well, but something about this didn't feel like your standard kidnapping. I wasn't allowed to bathe or change my clothes, and I was kept filthy, my hair growing matted and uncomfortable. My captor forced me to use the wooden box in the corner as a toilet, which would smell for days before some mysterious person would empty it while I slept. But yet, I was fed once a day without fail, the meal always hot and waiting for me when I woke up, and I was always so hungry that I'd eat every bit of it.
I didn't know how many weeks passed before I saw the suspicious figure again, and my second sighting was purely by chance.
One night, I awoke to loud voices and a bright light filling the dungeon, both coming from the top of the stairs.
I didn't know what they were saying, as I didn't recognise the language they spoke, but I knew that this wasn't a friendly conversation. I crept towards the bars hoping to catch a glimpse at the conversing strangers, and I finally saw the figure who had taken me. There at the top of the staircase stood a tall, beautiful woman with long auburn curls, piled up in an elegant style, and almost marble white skin and dressed in a similar glamorous velvet gown as I'd seen before. This time I could see the rich colours of gold and red, and I realised that she must be from some noble European family, possibly even royalty. But what did she want with me, a simple servant? Indeed she would have handmaids, as such an appearance needed much care, and surely there were cooks to make meals like what I'd been eating. I couldn't imagine this well-to-do woman with the complexion of royalty doing any of these things herself. Her eyes seemed to be clouded and white as if she might be blind, which made her more beautiful and mysterious.
Suddenly, the other figure appeared, an almost translucent hand pushing her aside to look down the steps. I watched the man come into the light, and I was in awe by his equally elegant attire, the colours matching the gown of the woman next to him. But I was far more taken aback by how handsome his face was, framed by flowing blonde, almost white hair. He looked a little older than her, maybe in his late twenties, yet outshone the woman's beauty tenfold.
As he turned to look towards the dungeon, our gaze met, and I felt an intense warmth from his strange coloured eyes. Concern ruffled his brows, and he looked at me with powerful emotion. I immediately realised that it wasn't anger that was filling his heart but regret. He didn't emit the same aura of evil as the other figure, but instead, I got a strong impression that he wanted to help me.
But as soon as I was starting to feel hope, I watched as he bit on his bottom lip with apprehension, as if thinking of how to change my fate, and I saw a very sharp tooth poke out from his lips. I moved back into the shadows as I watched him try to descend the steps, but the woman grabbed him and screamed violent sounding words at him. He pulled himself free from her grip and glared at her darkly, saying one last line in a low voice before taking a final look at me and floating out through the entrance. The woman swiftly followed him, slamming and bolting the door shut behind her, plunging my prison into darkness once again.
I lay awake for hours, wondering what on earth would happen to me and who these creatures were and what they wanted from me. I thought about what must've happened to Maddie, and I started to cry. The cries turned into weeping, then into wails. Before I knew it, I was screaming frantically for someone to save me. Just save me...
I cried so hard that I gradually drifted off from exhaustion. But before I could fall asleep, I heard the door open again, and I bolted awake. I watched the beautiful, elegant man float down the steps towards me.
"Kolya, are you sleeping?"
I sat up quickly, deeply afraid and shaking. "How do you know my name?" My voice was hoarse from screaming so hard, and my face was tender from the burning tears. "Please, just tell me why I'm here..."
"I want to help you, but you need to... trust me."
How could I trust this random stranger? I thought to myself. I could tell by his face that he was unsure himself, probably knowing what I was thinking.
"My name is Johann. I'm not here to hurt you, I promise. I want to get you out of here."
His voice was soothing, his accent soft and pleasant to the ear, and it somehow settled my soul. Suddenly, I was the calmest I'd felt since I'd been in this horrible place.
Johann smiled softly. "Can I please come in?"
I stared at him, still afraid of what would happen to me if I let him in. But something about this man and his comforting voice made me instantly trust him, and I nodded slowly. He opened the bars easily, the padlock releasing with a click seemingly on its own, and Johann stepped towards me carefully, almost as if not to startle me.
"If you will trust me, I can help you escape and get you back to your family. We don't have much time, so we need to go now. Will you come?"
I felt as if someone was taking over my body as I lifted myself from the bed and walked towards him, my fear now depleting instantly. He gently took my hand and led me up the stairs towards the light. My eyes immediately stang with the brightness, having been kept in the dark for so long. I heard his voice, but not from his lips.
"You can close your eyes if it's too much, Kolya."
He led me up the second set of stairs and through another door, and soon, he was pulling me through an elegant kitchen, then a grand hall. This place was even more luxurious than the Lancaster castle, and I wondered what kind of fairytale palace this was. But I didn't get to wonder for long.
Just as we made it through the great hall and Johann was guiding me towards a vast oak and iron door, a voice filled the space above us, the chandelier shuddering.
"Johann!"
We turned, and there behind us was the woman who had imprisoned me, her eyes now a terrifying red. I froze in fear as she lunged towards me, and everything went dark, once again.
When I awoke, I didn't need to open my eyes to know I was back in my dungeon. My head was in agony, and that pain in my neck had returned. I clutched at the bedsheets and felt tears pour down my face. How had I been so close to finally escaping and yet, still ended up back here?
I slowly opened my eyes but immediately shut them again, the light blinding me. I tried again, forcing myself to look into the room, it now perfectly illuminated by several other sconces lining the walls all around, but no light came from the window. The oil lamp by the bed was glowing, and I looked down at my body. Someone had dressed me in a clean set of clothes and replaced the bedsheets. I then realised... someone had also bathed me! I ran my hands easily through my hair, seeing for the first time since my imprisonment just how much it had grown, it now flowing past my shoulders.
I wondered how long I'd been out cold for, as there was no way I could've simply been sleeping, and I heard a loud rumble in my stomach. But when I looked towards the desk in search of food, there was nothing.
My heart dropped in my chest. Was this it now? Had I been cleaned just to be starved to death? Was this my punishment for trying to escape?
Just as I was about to start crying out of fear and panic, I heard the door open and my captor floating down the steps towards me, a plate of food in hand.
"Kolya, you are awake. You've been asleep for quite some time."
I stared at her warily, seeing her up close for the first time. She smiled gently.
"I brought your food to you this time. I thought we might get better acquainted."
The padlock clicked, and the cage opened, both of the woman's hands holding the plate firmly. She seemed confident that I wouldn't try escaping on my own, and she was right.
"My name is Norra. I'm sorry I haven't kept better care of you." She placed the plate down carefully next to me before sitting down on the bed. "But from now on, I will treat you better."
I wanted to ask her to let me go home, or at least to let my family know I was okay. I'd been gone for so long now, I didn't even know the exact number of months, but it felt like a lifetime had passed since I'd seen anyone else except these strange creatures.
"I will be waking you up at night so that we can see each other more."
Finally, my voice found its way. "At night?"
Norra's pale hand came up and stroked my hair. "Yes, of course. For I am a creature of the night, and you will be too." She looked down at my neck and scowled a little. "I'm sorry about this mark. It was the only way I could take care of you and save you from Johann."
"Save me?" I seemed only to be able to say two worded sentences, but it was a start.
"Yes! He is the evilest of Locusts, and you wouldn't have been safe with him." Norra's expression softened. "But everything is okay now. He's gone."
I found it so hard to accept. Johann had seemed so gentle and careful towards me, but what else was I supposed to do but believe Norra?
She told me that I had to stay with her a bit longer, and she would care for me and keep me safe from those who would harm me, who would punish me for my sins. Of course, I knew what she was talking about, and my heart broke in my chest as I thought of Madison. I started to cry then, and she wiped away my tears and soothed me in her native tongue. She could've been saying anything at all, but yet I still felt calmed by her words.
I don't know how many more months passed; every day, Norra would bring me a meal and sit with me, teaching me how to read and write. I couldn't bathe on my own, but I would awake to clean clothes, tidy hair, and an empty chamber pot every night. Every so often, I would ask why she had taken me, but she'd only respond: "I need to protect you from those evil people." She never once elaborated on who these "evil people" were... The Lancasters? The dodgy merchants looking for pretty boys to sell to overseas brothels? Or even Johann? I didn't dare ask any further questions. I grew to appreciate Norra's company and teachings, but part of me was still terrified of her. I still didn't know what she was or why she chose me specifically. All I know is, I never saw her during the day, and every few days, she would pale even further, and I wouldn't see her the next night.
I didn't truly understand what she was until the night came for me to meet my fate.
Just as usual, when I awoke, I was bathed and clean, my face shaved and my nails trimmed to perfection, and my hair was flowing, shining and immaculate. But one thing was different; I wasn't wearing the usual outfit of black linen trousers and shirt, but instead, a fine suit of navy blue and black satin. I had never worn such attire, and it took me a moment to understand what it was on my body.
When Norra appeared, foodless, I was deeply concerned.
"Don't be afraid. It's finally time for you to learn how to be the most extraordinary creature of the night; a Locust."
She took my hands and pulled me up gently from the bed, stroking my hair and face, cooing, "You'll make such a beautiful Locust, Kolya."
"What... what are you going to do?" I stammered, feeling the overwhelming aura of pure evil emanating from Norra.
"This will protect you, my darling. You will forget about all the pain of your past. You'll never have to watch your loved ones get old, or sick, or die. Because you will never get old or sick, but you can die if you're not careful."
There was no threat in her tone, but when I tried to release my shaking hands from her grip, she only tightened her fingers around mine.
Suddenly, it was as if my body no longer possessed any will of its own. I watched Norra let go of my hands, but I could do nothing but stand there as she brought herself closer, pushing my hair over my shoulder and leaning towards my neck. I felt her sharp teeth penetrate my skin, and I clung to her as she held me tightly. Blood spilt from the puncture, soaking her lips with red, and all the air in my lungs went with it. I could hear her voice in my head. Forget everything. Forget it all. Your family, your lover, your home, your name... Everything will fade, and you will be reborn.
My legs were growing weaker, and I lost any feeling in my entire body, my head beating like a heart. Thump. Thump. Thump. Norra lay me back on the bed, my eyes open but not focussed, my ears hearing but not taking anything in. All I understood was Drink from me as she slashed her wrist and held it to my open mouth, and I did as she demanded. As I swallowed continuously for what seemed like forever, I felt myself finally drifting off until that pounding sound in my ears eventually faded.
My eyes open to darkness. I can feel a warm body beside me and reach out, turning to face it. It's too dark to see, so I touch instead, gliding my hands over the soft skin, exploring the muscles under my palms. I don't need to reach further to know who it is, but I do it anyway, my heart filling with overwhelming tenderness as I brush my fingers through long, thick hair. I whisper into the void.
"Johann..."
And then I feel lips. That kiss that I haven't felt in so long, so very long. The passionate caress of my love...
Only, he's not my love anymore.
Shit.
I push myself away suddenly and hit my head hard on the side of the confined space.
"Ah, fuck!" I cry.
I feel Johann move next to me, and suddenly, there's a dim light as he pushes the casket open with one hand. I look at him and then at myself, and my eyes grow wide as I sit up next to him.
"Why the fuck are we naked?! Why are we in a coffin together?!"
I jump up quickly before he can answer, looking around the ridiculously lavish room for my clothes.
"And where the fuck are we?!"
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