NANA
As soon as I saw Dora's black tear-stained face, my own destroyed heart meant nothing to me.
And I knew it had something to do with Andrei. Of course, he wouldn't tell me, but he didn't need to. Andrei had finally done something so evil that it broke Dora. Dora the Unbreakable, the Unmoveable. And I couldn't feel more distraught for him.
"Are you coming to any practices this week?" Maki asks me over the phone.
"I don't know... My flatmate is a mess." I pause, checking I can still hear music from Dora's headphones. "Well, as much of a mess as he can be. He's just moping around like he doesn't know what he's doing."
"I'm sorry," Maki says with melancholy. "Let us know, though. We've had a few offers..."
"Seriously?"
"Yeah! Some of the places we've played before. They want us to come back." He pauses. "They're interested to hear you."
My heart jumps excitedly, but only for a second.
"Have you... spoken to Panda? Since the other night?"
My stomach hurts at the memory of my brother and Ichi pawing at each other, and then probably going to have sex. "No. Neither of them."
"Are you okay?"
I scoff. "Yeah, fine!" I say, sounding a hell of a lot more fine than I feel. "It's no big deal. Honestly, I kind of overreacted. And Panda's just busy with school, so I didn't want to bother him. He probably feels like shit."
"Oh yeah, he has a boyfriend, right?"
I make a noise of agreement, silently wondering what the hell was going through his mind when he kissed Ichi.
After I hang up the phone, Dora pulls his headphones off.
"I thought you weren't working until later?" he murmurs.
"I have to do the day shift instead. But I should be home by eight."
He leans back, looking worried.
"Please promise you'll eat. Or shower." I grab my jacket from the chair, watching him nod silently. "I don't mind which but please do one of them."
"I can't promise anything."
I ruffle his dirty hair and run out the door.
I get to work just after twelve. It's already busy with people starting their boozy weekends early. The first few hours pass steadily but without a hitch, and at around four, Fox buggers off randomly, leaving me in charge of the other bar staff.
It's quiet now, the three of us more or less just trying to make ourselves look busy. I'm on the verge of sending someone home when Ichi comes through the door, looking mournful.
"Hey." His eyes scan the room as if to check who's around. He looks immaculate in his leather jacket over a thin and fitted sweater, the stylish cowl neck showing off his collar bones. He's wearing his favourite colour, reminding me how good he looks in red. My heart silently thumps as I glance over him.
I try to keep myself under control. "What's up?"
"Is, um, Theo here?"
"No, just me, why?"
He sighs. "I've just not heard from him since he ditched me on my birthday."
My heart stings. "Yeah?"
He looks down at me. "I wish you'd come."
I raise my eyebrows. "Sorry. I was busy. With Maki."
Why did I say it like that?
I want him to look jealous, but he just seems hurt.
"Oh, right."
There's a weird silence between us, which is strange given we usually can't stop talking to each other. Who knew turning twenty-five would be so cumbersome?
"Doesn't Maki dislike you?" He says, a sceptical look on his face.
I roll my eyes. "Who can hate me for long?"
"True..." He smirks, a bit of a sparkle in his eye that makes my intestines dance. Goddamn it.
"What are you doing here, anyway?" I ask, trying to stay casual and not let on that I know he fucked my little brother. Not that this conversation isn't forced enough as it is.
"I just thought either you or Theo would be here, so I --"
My phone vibrates in my pocket. Fearing it might be Dora having a meltdown, I check my messages.
- I'm out the back. Please take a cigarette break?
It's Andrei.
What the hell is he doing here?
I don't hear any of what Ichi says.
"Sorry, mate, I have to go check on something."
He looks downtrodden. "Oh. Right, of course. Sorry, you're at work. I shouldn't be bothering you."
As I turn to go around the back of the bar, Ichi stops me. "Um, have you heard from Panda?"
I look at him. He looks like he might burst into tears with how hurt he seems. I can feel my normally stone-like expression starting to crack, pieces of me crumbling away. I try to control my breathing. "No, I haven't."
"Right..."
I tell the other staff I'm going out the back for a minute and disappear into the kitchen, trying to steady myself. I lean against the counter, desperately fighting back the internal struggle my insides are having. Keep it together, Nana. Keep it together.
But when I close my eyes, all I see is them falling into that taxi. Falling through Panda's front door. Falling into bed.
My phone vibrates again.
- Please come out, Nana. I know you're in there.
"Fuck!" I cry, out loud, into the empty kitchen.
I push the back door open and see Andrei standing, shaking, a newly lit joint in his hand, and I wonder if he heard my outburst.
"What is it?" I say bluntly.
His eyes widen, taken aback by my sudden anger. "I just needed to speak to someone..."
I roll my eyes. "I'm working."
He looks visibly hurt. "What's up with you?"
I want to tell him I know he's done something to Dora and he has some nerve even asking me for help. But he's not really who I'm angry at right now.
"Nothing. Sorry." I cross my arms.
Andrei frowns at me. He looks pretty cute right now, with his sweater falling off his shoulder a little and his hair a tousled mess. He seems almost innocent, like an angel. I can see why Dora finds him tempting. Or maybe I'm just so pissed off at Ichi's lack of interest in me that I'll go for the first attractive guy I see.
He holds the joint out to me, and I take it, my eyes giving him the once over.
I take one drag from the smoke before I throw it to the side and grab Andrei's arm, and pull him towards me.
"Nana, what are you doing?" he says, his eyes wide again. But he doesn't resist.
"Are you telling me you've never thought about me like this?"
Before I seem to regain control, I force my lips on his, and he goes along with it. What the hell was in that thing?!
It's okay because he does this kind of thing all the time.
This is nothing to him.
Kissing random guys is what he's known for, right?
I don't know how, but I forget I'm kissing Andrei and it feels like I'm kissing someone else. Messy black hair, pale skin, eyes that make me melt... his hands come up to my waist, and metal clicking off my teeth. I lose myself, feeling no resistance from him as if he's a rag doll. And then my hands are on his waistband, unfastening the buttons. I turn him around and push him up to the wall and tug at his jeans, to do something I shouldn't.
He frees himself from my grasp and turns back to face me, a panicked look on his face as he pulls his jeans back up. "We shouldn't be doing this."
I press against him, holding his arms tightly. "Since when are you one to say no?"
"Excuse me?!" He wriggles from my hold with sudden strength and pushes me away, buttoning his jeans. "What the fuck did you just say?"
"Come on, Andrei," I say, a short and cruel laugh falling through my words. "We all know you. You come around the back of the bar, high as a kite, with your clothes half hanging off you, practically begging me for it. You gonna tell me that's not what you came here to do?"
"Do you know what, Nana?" He bites down on his bottom lip. "You can go to hell."
Suddenly it hits me what I just said, and what I just tried to do. "Andrei, I'm sorry. I didn't even --"
As he walks away, I see him tying his hair up. "Go fuck yourself!" He yells back at me.
I lean my back against the wall, inwardly cursing and wondering what happened to the Nana who knew how to make the right decisions.
PANDA
When I hear a knock at the door, I don't expect to find Ichi on the other side. I'm automatically self-conscious, with no eyeliner and my hair pulled back, regretting changing straight into my jogging bottoms after getting home from the library. I'd figured that since I'd booked the night off work, I could chill out in lazy clothes but now wish I'd stayed dressed for at least another hour.
"Oh, hi," I whisper, feeling my heart rise and fall in a quick burst at the sight of Ichi's fierce gaze. "Come in."
He steps inside looking as forlorn as he had at the bar. "I hope this isn't an inconvenient time."
It's been a few days since our encounter and I'd not heard from Ichi since. I've managed to keep it to myself and tried to act normal when I felt the opposite when R called the day after. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done.
And now I think about it, I've not seen or spoken to any of my non-university friends since that night, not even Nana.
"No, no, it's fine."
I lead him to the living room like I had done on his birthday, only with a lot less lust-filled urgency. He sits down on the couch across from the one we desecrated, and I park myself next to him, a polite distance between us. The memory of us entwined is still fresh in my mind as I gaze at the fabric on the seat, remembering how it had felt under my fingernails as I'd gripped at it.
"I think it's obvious what I've come here to say," Ichi says, his voice quiet and soft.
I turn my body so I can face him. He stares at The Couch nervously.
"We can't let that happen again."
I feel the colour drain from my unmade face. I don't know why I feel so hurt. "Did you not... have fun?"
He turns and looks at me sharply. "Panda, you know why we can't."
Even though I do know, and Ichi is right, my heart sinks. "Why can't we..?"
"You have a boyfriend," he says desperately. "And you're Nana's brother." He pauses. "And I... have more self-respect than that." The last comment wounds me. Self-respect?!
"You didn't care much that I have a boyfriend the other night, or about Nana." My voice comes out, sounding a bit brasher than I intend.
"I've had time to think about it." He pauses. "With a sober head."
I stare at him, with his flawless face and his perfectly messy hair. It's like he was created by an artist. His sweater clings to his slim frame effortlessly. My eyes fall to his collar bones, remembering how I'd ran my tongue across them and felt him shiver and moan. I sink my teeth into my bottom lip and look away.
"Okay, so now I've said that..." Ichi stands quickly. "I'm gonna go."
I follow him to the door, watching him push the handle down.
"And what the hell did you mean by self-respect?" I retort before he can open the door.
"You know what I meant."
"No, I don't actually. Are you saying you'd have to have no self-respect to sleep with me?"
He rolls his eyes, pulling the handle towards him. "It's not as simple as that."
I push my hand hard against the door, making it slam under the blow. "Explain it to me."
"We were both drunk and feeling like shit..."
My mouth gapes. "So, unless you're feeling vulnerable, I repulse you?"
He looks distressed. "No, that's not what I mean."
"Then what do you mean?!"
"Goodbye, Panda." He finally manages to get the door open without me stopping him, and steps out
"Bye then," I reply, an excessive harshness in my voice, my pride hurt from the rejection. The door bangs shut behind him, and my stomach turns while I grow more seething.
How dare he?!
Does he think he can sleep with me and think I'll just pretend it never happened?!
And making me feel like some kind of slag!
I stomp across the room and sit dejectedly on the sofa, my lip growing sore the more I nibble on it, my feet tapping. Self-respect...
I reach for my cigarettes and place one between my lips, ready to light it, prepared for the smoke to burn my troubles away, when there's another knock at the door.
A heavy sigh slips from my lungs with a quiet growl, my annoyance apparent as I throw the lighter down on the coffee table. I dart to the door, angry at whoever is refraining me from releasing some of the tensions building up inside.
Ichi looks up at me, his eyes full of resentment, his breathing ragged.
And before I can ask why the hell he's come back, he's pulling me towards him roughly and we're kissing.
My heart pounds as I drag him inside, our lips still conflicting, our hands tearing at each other's clothes.
By the time we reach the bedroom, we're already half undressed and falling between the sheets.
He pulls away for a second.
"Okay, this is the last time," he says, breathless before I devour him.
I didn't think anything could be more mind-blowing or spine-tingling than last time.
Without the alcohol restricting our awareness, it's as if our senses are heightened to unthinkable extremities. My skin almost burns from Ichi's touch, his body reading me like braille. With the new clearness, I can take in every inch of him; the little star tattoo on his neck I run my lips over; the curve of his back streaked red from my fingernails; the slight muscle of his stomach that quivers the closer he comes to his limit.
It's like an almighty need, to be under him, on him, inside him. We take turns controlling each other, dominating each other, altering our tempo to fit the position. The thought of not having him in my bed suffocates me.
By the time we're lying side by side hours later, utterly breathless, I'm intoxicated because of him.
The sheets lie in a tangled mess on the floor. My heart is hammering my ribs furiously, and my skin vibrates from the final payoff.
"So... which one of those was the last time?" I say, my eyes shut and my lungs heavy.
Ichi lets out a winded laugh. "That one there." He sighs. "The one where you did that thing with your tongue."
I grin. "Oh, you liked that?" I turn to look at him, and he's already gazing back at me. His smile fades.
"That really needs to be our last time."
There's an intense pain in his eyes that I can't quite discern. But it makes me nod slowly. "Okay."
ICHI
I should never have let it happen.
I know I walked right into it, but I couldn't stop it. I couldn't stop feeling. I couldn't stop him sucking me in. I don't even know how it could've not happened. And as I leave his flat for the second time in my life, I just know it won't be the last time. I know I won't be able to stop myself going back, to feel the exhilarating hold that Panda seems to have on me. It's as if he's put a spell on me, and I want to keep telling myself no, this is the last time but not even I believe it. He's just going to tear me back, feed on me until I can't stand anymore, can't breathe without him, and then throw me back to the wild. He's going to eat me alive.
And I'm going to let him.
I should never have let this happen.
As soon as I enter my empty flat, I want to break down.
But I don't have a chance to. I'm home for maybe five minutes when I hear the doorbell go. And when I open the door, I'm shocked to find Theo, Nana's arm around his waist and tears pouring from his eyes, his face red and patchy.
"Can we come in?" Nana asks quietly as if Theo is in a trance and speaking louder than a whisper would wake him.
"I've been out all evening, I didn't have my phone." I follow them mindlessly to the living room where Theo near collapses on the sofa and curls his knees up to his face.
"Don't worry," Nana soothes me. "I just thought you'd be the best person to take him to."
A quiet sob is heard from the couch. "Please don't tell Ichiro."
Theo's weak and fragile voice shocks me. I've not seen him like this since we were children. I sit down next to him. "Theo, what happened?"
Nana sits across from us on the armchair, his head falling into his hands. He grips at his hair. "Andrei. Andrei happened."
Theo sits up. "It was my fault."
"No, it wasn't, Dora!" I've never seen Nana so on edge. He's biting down on his lip, and his leg is shaking.
"Can someone please tell me what's going on?" I say, trying to sound as calm as possible, stroking Theo's arm.
Nana sighs. "I came home from work, and Dora was curled up on his bed crying, half-naked --"
"Nana!" Theo hides his face behind his hands. "Please don't."
"Because! Andrei was around."
I ruffle my eyebrows, fear gripping at my throat. "What did Andrei do?"
"Ichiro, it was nothing, he didn't make me do anything."
"You remember your birthday?" Nana asks me. I feel my face go red. "Well, the reason Dora and Andrei didn't make it is that they were too busy necking in the street."
I turn toward my brother sharply as he hides his face under a cushion, a small growl muffled through the fabric.
"And as if that wasn't bad enough," Nana says, his voice getting rougher and rougher as he speaks. "He went to the flat tonight and forced himself on Dora!"
"That's not what happened!" Another stifled grumble from Theo.
I place my arm on his shoulder. "Then you tell me what happened."
"How can you be so calm about this!" Nana shouts. "That little fucker practically assaulted your little brother, and you're sitting there like --"
"Nana," I say firmly, feeling anything but calm. My nerves are already shot to hell, and this is only making it worse. "You're obviously angry, so you need to let Theo tell me what happened."
Theo takes a deep breath and looks at me in the eye for the first time since he came in. His face is still raw from the tears.
"We just...did stuff..." he stutters, clearly embarrassed. "It's not even a big deal."
"How did that even happen? I thought you weren't interested in that stuff."
He shuts his eyes. A ragged sigh escapes his lips, and he tells me what happened the night of my birthday.
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