Smut Warning: 18+ readers only; this blog is dark and full of terrors!
(DO NOT READ ON! SEXY THINGS AHEAD! AND SWEARING! YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!)
LIKE SERIOUSLY TURN BACK NOW.
YOU'RE ABOUT TO READ GAY PORN. LIKE SERIOUSLY.
WELL OKAY, IF YOU INSIST...
ANDREI
The cold air slices through my skin like a thousand tiny blades. The snow settles around the feet of the stranger standing in front of me. He mutters something in Russian, but the cold makes me stupid to my mother tongue, even though it's something I hear all the time. I pull the frayed blanket tighter around myself, shaking my head forcefully, the tears almost freezing to my skin. I can't even feel my body let alone do what he wants me to do. The coins fall in front of my crossed legs, and the man barks at me again. I feel his rough hands yank me to my feet... drag me into an alleyway... force me to my knees... stuff his thing in my mouth. It's still soft, and I suck on it because I know that's what the coins are for. I don't look at the man's face because I know he doesn't have one.
The tears are still streaming when my real eyes open, and I struggle to focus on my surroundings, the dream still heavy on my body.
Marius's face stares down at me, scowling with concern, his hands pulling the blanket from between my lips. My limbs are shivering from the cold sweat covering my skin, soaking through my t-shirt.
"Andrei, it was just a dream," he says soothingly, holding me tightly against his chest as he kneels by the bed.
The wind blows through the curtains from the open window and moonlight is the only thing brightening the room.
Am I still dreaming?
"What are you doing home? You aren't due back until Friday."
I don't even know why I'm questioning it. I'm just relieved Marius's here.
"I finished work, so I got an earlier flight." He pulls away, holding my face delicately. The moon somehow lights up his face like he's an angel, his hair framing his flawless face, sweeping at his shoulders. I'm not entirely convinced that I'm awake. "You didn't tell me the nightmares had started again. I would've come back sooner."
"No... it was just this one," I lie. The nightmares always come when he's away. "I just... I missed you."
Marius wipes the tears away with his thumbs and his smile; I hadn't even noticed I was still crying.
"You must have been exhausted from all this studying," he says, looking at the bed. Sketchbooks, reference books, scribbled on bits of paper, pencils, all laying strewn across the bed. I apparently fell asleep while drawing. I move to turn over the piece I'm working on, but my movements only bring attention to it.
"What's this?" Marius smiles, warily picking it up before I can hide it. "It's... magnificent."
He stares at the paper pokerfaced as a profuse blush climbs up my neck. I can't gauge his reaction until I see a flash of jealousy in his eyes.
"It's... for Fox's birthday." My voice shakes like I'm lying, but it really is for her birthday... Mostly. "I haven't finished it yet."
Fox's and my face still remain rough sketches, where Dora's face is almost a perfect replica of the real thing. The reference photo was taken months ago before Dora went back to Japan. Before I... messed everything up. Fox is holding the camera up and pointing it down towards us, getting the perfect angle for a selfie; she's pouting ironically, and my arm is around Dora's shoulders while I stick my tongue out at him, and he looks off to the side, mid-eye-roll. Fuck... Just thinking about it brings all the guilt back. I shouldn't have kissed him...
I chose this picture because I wanted an excuse to draw him, and I knew Fox would love it. But now looking at it hurts.
Marius' smile snaps me out of my sad reverie.
"It's excellent, you captured Dora perfectly." He hands the drawing back to me carefully. "Fox will appreciate this."
I can tell he's trying to not seem annoyed that I drew Dora's face first. He always tries to hide his jealousy, and I both hate and am glad of it.
"I'm going for a bath," he says with a soft voice, stroking my messy hair gently as he stands and I look up at him.
"But... You've just got back."
"Exactly!" He laughs. "Travelling makes me feel gross."
I grab his sweater sleeve, feeling the shirt underneath. "But..."
"Petra already ran the water. It'll get cold."
I let go of his sleeve, feeling a wave of disappointment. It's dumb, I know. He's back now, and he'll be back for a couple of months. But suddenly it's like he's abandoning me again.
I move out of the bed and follow him out of my room and into his like a puppy. I stand in the doorway watching as Petra comes through from the en suite, telling Marius that his bath is ready. She smiles at me as she walks past and I wait until she's down the first set of stairs before gliding into the room.
"Can I..." I close the door behind me, watching Marius pull his sweater off. "Can I bathe with you?" I step toward him just as he starts to unbutton his shirt and push his fingers aside so I can do it instead.
"I thought you were tired..." His hand reaches for my neck, pushing a section of red waves over my shoulder, touching my ear. I almost purr at his touch.
"I'm okay now." I look up at him with big eyes. His shirt now unbuttoned, I sneak my hands under the fabric and over his torso. The sensation of his soft skin and hard muscles against my palms makes it challenging to retain eye contact. "My body missed you..." I whisper, finally breaking, glancing at his chest and stomach. I sweep his shirt over his shoulders and onto the floor and trace his collarbone with my lips. "I missed you."
"Andrei..." he sighs. "Don't you have classes tomorrow?"
I pull away, pouting. "Didn't you miss me?"
He smiles. "Hey, of course, I did." He finds my waist, drawing me in closer to him. "I just don't want your studies to suffer."
"I don't have classes on Mondays though..." I reach my arms up around his neck, pulling his face down, nudging his nose with mine. "The bath is getting cold."
Marius's lips finally come to mine, practically possessing me instantly. But the kiss is brief and closed-mouthed.
"You go in," I say to him quietly. "I'll come in soon."
When he's out of sight, and the bathroom doors slide shut, I quickly undress, knowing that skinny jeans are the most unsexy thing to remove. I give him a little time to wash before I move to join him.
The bathwater is milky with all kinds of fancy lotions and potions. The scent rising from the steaming bowl smells like roses and honey, reminding me of other baths we've had together.
The bath is huge and round and right in the centre of the elegant room, all marble floors with gold accentuating; a king's bathroom. If he's the king, then what am I? His mistress..? Petra has even lined the sinks and edges of the room with white candles, creating a glowing orange light all around the bath.
Marius sits at the far side, and I practically have to swim towards him. He makes me turn around before I can go for his face again. He submerges the jug in the water before pouring it over my hair. The heat cascades down my back, making me sleepy. I close my eyes and Marius gently rubs shampoo into my hair, his long fingers massaging my scalp at the same time. My body is slowly relaxing as he rinses the bubbles away and wraps his arms around me. I lie back against his chest.
"I really did miss you, you know," he whispers, kissing my ear, his voice making me tingle, his lips more so.
I want him to show me how much he missed me. I can't even put into words how much I missed him, and I hate that he can. I turn around and wrap my legs around his waist. I can feel him getting hard as our parts touch.
His cold blue eyes seem softer in the dim light, his face tilted slightly up at me, unsmiling but full of love. I love him so much... My fingers find their way into his hair, still not used to being allowed to touch him like this. For so long, I had to fight it that I can barely believe it's happening. I still half expect him to suddenly change his mind and push me away, saying no, we can't do this... But he doesn't.
Am I still dreaming?
He pulls me closer to him by the hips. I almost can't stand the smallest space between us. It's as if I can't possibly be as physically close to him as I'd like to be. I lean my face towards his, bringing our lips together. The kiss is slow and open and makes me hotter than the bathwater ever could. I press myself against him as his hands travel up to my waist. Marius's body is elegant but so masculine; perfectly toned with broad shoulders and arms that make me feel safe. He's like an oil painting. He makes me feel like a girl with my small waist and transparent skin, but I don't let it distract me. The water hides most of my body anyway.
He breaks the kiss, my heart breaking a little with it, but only to run his lips over my neck, my body shivering with each touch.
"I missed your skin..." Marius says between kisses. I can't even hide how much I want him now as I stroke down his body and towards his hardest part, squeezing it gently between my fingers. He sighs heavily, his hands reaching around my back.
"What else did you miss?" I ask in a whisper, my body reacting to his voice, my fingers tightening their grip.
He moans slightly, only making me feel hotter. "Your hands..."
I put my lips to his ear, licking at his lobe. "What else..?" He throbs in my hands, making me burn inside like I'm on fire. He responds only with a shaky sigh. "Hmm?" I press him.
"Your... tongue..." His voice is weak. I love making him feel vulnerable for once. His hands are reaching down now, between my legs and to the back. I feel a finger sink inside me, making me jolt forward a little, my heart jumping in my chest. I hear his voice over the thump thump thump. "And this... I missed doing this..."
I lift myself on my knees, my body rising out of the water a little as his finger moves deeper. I release him from my grip, my hands finding his shoulders, his tongue licking at my chest. The tingling shoots up my core, making me cry out. My body opens to him more and more as I hover over him. I can feel his tip resting right next to where his hand is, making me crazy, and so ready for it.
As if reading my mind, he moves his hand away and pushes himself inside me, slowly easing my body down. He pulls at my hips to get deeper, and my brain goes wild with bliss. I ravage his mouth, my teeth biting at his lips between heavy breaths.
As we move, water splashes from the bath onto the floor, but neither of us cares. All I can focus on is how perfect Marius' body is, how well it seems to know mine, how it knows where all my most sensitive spots are, and how much I respond to it. We've only been going for a few minutes, and I'm already so close.
"Marius..." I gasp, not sure exactly how I'm going to form words in this state.
"Yes?" he purrs, rocking our hips together forcefully, making me cry out again.
"I don't think -" I claw at Marius's shoulders. "I'm sorry -"
My whole body is like nuclear fission; my arms, my legs, my tongue, even my hair follicles, I swear. The climax feels like it lasts for minutes while I re-materialise, but I know it's only a few seconds. I collapse against Marius as he kisses my neck. He laughs gently.
"That didn't take you very long," he says, moving to pull out. I put my hands on his arms.
"No... stay in. I like it when you're inside me," I murmur sleepily on his shoulder.
"We need to get out of the bath." He holds me away from him, smiling with amusement. "You got the water all dirty."
"I just really missed you," is all I can say by way of an excuse as he pushes my hips away and lifts himself out of the water. He steps out and grabs a towel. I watch him as he dries himself, the hardness wearing off. I lean against the side of the tub staring at his glistening body, my own still weak with completion.
"Are you going to get out of the bath, Andrei?" he says as he dries his hair with a towel.
"Eventually."
He turns, raising his eyebrows at me. "Your hair won't dry before bed if you don't get out now."
I sigh at him and pull the plug in the bath. "Fine..."
By the time my hair is dry and somewhat under control, Marius is already in bed reading. I only ever sleep in his bed when he's home. His room is so much more luxurious than mine, the bed bigger and more comfortable with gauze curtains around the posts, but I can't sleep in it unless he's here.
I slide in next to him, closing the curtain behind me. He immediately sets his book aside and gives me his full attention.
"How are classes going? Are you enjoying it?"
"They're fine... Can we not talk about it?"
"Okay..." He looks at me a little concerned.
When I think of classes, I think of my other life, where Marius isn't there, and when I think of that life, I think of all the times I go home with random guys, and then I think of Dora. I think of how much I didn't want to stop resisting him. And then I remember how it felt to kiss him... and other things. And how much I hurt him...
Fuck... why did I have to...
"Hey, you're a million miles away right now," Marius says, nudging my shoulder. I look over at him.
"Sorry," I smile weakly, pulling the covers up to my chin and lying down. "Just tired."
He turns off the lamp, the room instantly emerging in darkness.
It's been a month since I last slept in this bed, but it feels like it was only last night. I lean over and cuddle in on Marius's chest, feeling both complete and utterly alone. This is how things are meant to be. Stop thinking about another boy!
But having him here just reminds me what a horrible person I am. I'm so...
Broken.
I've lost count of the passing weeks since I saw my friends. If I can even call them that right now. I haven't dared go near the bar, despite Fox calling me on Tuesday with some disruptive news.
It was late, and I was in bed, sleep only just starting to haunt me, when my phone rang, quiet at first then growing louder the longer I left it. I was about to reject the call when I saw Fox's face on the screen.
"Andrei..." Her voice was thick and tearful.
I bolted upright, suddenly very awake. "What's wrong? What's happened?"
"It's Dora."
Fear gripped me like Death himself, remembering how he'd been when I'd seen him last, curled up and crying.
"Is he okay?" I tried to remain as calm as I could, but my brain was imagining all sorts, and I couldn't keep my voice from shaking with worry.
"He's... he's leaving."
"What?"
"He's going back to Japan."
My voice abandoned me as my heart wavered. "For, like, ever?"
She sniffed. "No... just for a few months."
I breathed slowly. "Shit."
I hadn't seen Dora in what felt like years, but it had been somewhat comforting that he wasn't far away from me, that he was always within a hundred miles at all times. But to think of him being so very far away wounded me far worse than anything that had happened recently.
And then I remembered that Fox wasn't speaking to me.
"Why are you calling me, Foxy?"
She was quiet for a moment. "Because... I think you're the reason he's leaving." Her voice wasn't angry or accusing, but soft and sad.
"I thought so," I said, dejectedly.
"Please... go see him."
My eyes widened in the darkness of my bedroom, even though she couldn't see me. "You what?"
"It might help."
"It might make it worse, Foxy. You were the one who told me to stay away from him. And everyone."
"That was a stupid idea. Dora misses you so badly, and so do I, and everyone."
We both went quiet, the silence crushing me like I was the smallest thing on earth.
"I'm not saying you didn't do a terrible thing, but..."
I bit my tongue. Fox doesn't know the half of it. "I can't. Dora hates me."
"He doesn't!"
"Yeah, he does." I sighed. "When does he leave?"
"Friday." Fox paused. "Please go see him."
I hesitantly agreed, without any real intention of doing so. But I knew, deep down in the pit of my disgusting, soulless stomach, I would be going to see Dora before Friday, and that I'd make everything worse.
I waited until Thursday night, knowing Nana would either be working or with his bandmates. I'd spoken to Fox a couple of times since our phone call, but I could tell she still wasn't quite ready to build that bridge back up again yet.
Part of me hoped that Dora wouldn't be in, that he'd be at the bar or with one of the others somewhere else. The light shining through the glass window above the door dashed all my hopes. I hovered my fist in front of the wood, building up every ounce of courage I could to knock on it.
I tapped on the door quietly, thinking that if he didn't hear it, it would be okay because it wouldn't be a lie when I told Fox later. But then I heard keys unlocking and then the handle turning and the door pulling at the thick carpet.
Our eyes met like lightning. Dora looked unbearably cute, as was typical for him, in an unironed Strokes t-shirt and ripped skinny jeans, and my soul crumbled just from gazing at him.
I half expected him to slam the door in my face. But he didn't. He stared at me as if he'd just seen a ghost.
"Andrei," he said with a soft voice. "What are you doing here?"
He didn't sound angry. His voice was sad, not unlike what it had been like last time I saw him. We can't be friends anymore...
"Fox told me you were leaving."
Dora stepped aside, allowing me in. I didn't know what to do with myself, or even what I was supposed to say to him. It was too late to say sorry, but how could I not apologise for being a shitty friend?
"Dora, I don't even..."
"It's fine."
I fought the urge to grab him and hold him. I knew I couldn't, that it would be the worst thing, not that he'd allow me to anyway. So instead, I let my mouth move and say things I should have said weeks ago.
"I was the worst person ever," I began, watching Dora wander over to his bed and sit. "I shouldn't have done what I did. Any of it. I'm so fucking sorry."
Dora stared ahead for a second. Without breaking his mindless gaze, he spoke. "Am I supposed to forgive you now?"
I gawked at him. "Well, no --"
"What the hell am I supposed to say to you?" His head turned, his eyes are still so sad. "You fucked me up."
"It wasn't my intention --"
"Fuck your fucking intentions. Fuck your conscience and your stupid fucking apology." Dora stood slowly, his voice alarmingly calm. He scowled for the first time as he stared at me. "And fuck you."
"Dora --"
"No. You don't get to call me that anymore." I could see tears starting to form in his fierce eyes. "I no longer exist to you."
"You'll never not exist to me," I shot back, matching his upset.
"That's not your call to make."
"Yes, it fucking is. I messed up. Badly. But I'm a fucking trainwreck on the best of days! I made a stupid mistake that I will be saying sorry for until I can't breathe anymore. And you can hate me if you want, but I can't delete you from my hard drive. I do actually care about you."
Dora's eyes streamed as he bit down on his bottom lip. I knew it was a mistake to listen to Fox, I thought to myself.
"Why did you have to come here?"
"You let me in."
He let out a loud and shaking sigh as his head drooped. "Yeah. I did. And look what good that did me?"
I knew this was about more than just tonight.
I could still remember that night we met like it was yesterday.
"Dora," I pleaded with him, my eyes matching his tears. "Please, don't hate me forever. I don't have an excuse for what I did. I'm just a mess. But I'm so much worse without you."
Dora whimpered quietly, his arms crossed over his stomach, and I could no longer fight my need to hold him. I wrapped myself around his body, pulling him in tightly. I knew I shouldn't, but I couldn't help it. His arms dropped to his sides as I breathed him in, but they didn't push me away.
And then I kissed him. It was brief at first, almost friendly, just a quick meeting of tear-stained lips. But then I felt myself fall for him, for his sweet mouth and his watery eyes. It didn't feel like I was leading him to the slaughter as it had done before. It wasn't filled with lust or pressure. And he didn't lift his arms to stop me as I raised my hands to his neck.
It wasn't like the other kisses.
It was our goodbye.
(DO NOT READ ON! SEXY THINGS AHEAD! AND SWEARING! YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!)
LIKE SERIOUSLY TURN BACK NOW.
YOU'RE ABOUT TO READ GAY PORN. LIKE SERIOUSLY.
WELL OKAY, IF YOU INSIST...
ANDREI
The cold air slices through my skin like a thousand tiny blades. The snow settles around the feet of the stranger standing in front of me. He mutters something in Russian, but the cold makes me stupid to my mother tongue, even though it's something I hear all the time. I pull the frayed blanket tighter around myself, shaking my head forcefully, the tears almost freezing to my skin. I can't even feel my body let alone do what he wants me to do. The coins fall in front of my crossed legs, and the man barks at me again. I feel his rough hands yank me to my feet... drag me into an alleyway... force me to my knees... stuff his thing in my mouth. It's still soft, and I suck on it because I know that's what the coins are for. I don't look at the man's face because I know he doesn't have one.
The tears are still streaming when my real eyes open, and I struggle to focus on my surroundings, the dream still heavy on my body.
Marius's face stares down at me, scowling with concern, his hands pulling the blanket from between my lips. My limbs are shivering from the cold sweat covering my skin, soaking through my t-shirt.
"Andrei, it was just a dream," he says soothingly, holding me tightly against his chest as he kneels by the bed.
The wind blows through the curtains from the open window and moonlight is the only thing brightening the room.
Am I still dreaming?
"What are you doing home? You aren't due back until Friday."
I don't even know why I'm questioning it. I'm just relieved Marius's here.
"I finished work, so I got an earlier flight." He pulls away, holding my face delicately. The moon somehow lights up his face like he's an angel, his hair framing his flawless face, sweeping at his shoulders. I'm not entirely convinced that I'm awake. "You didn't tell me the nightmares had started again. I would've come back sooner."
"No... it was just this one," I lie. The nightmares always come when he's away. "I just... I missed you."
Marius wipes the tears away with his thumbs and his smile; I hadn't even noticed I was still crying.
"You must have been exhausted from all this studying," he says, looking at the bed. Sketchbooks, reference books, scribbled on bits of paper, pencils, all laying strewn across the bed. I apparently fell asleep while drawing. I move to turn over the piece I'm working on, but my movements only bring attention to it.
"What's this?" Marius smiles, warily picking it up before I can hide it. "It's... magnificent."
He stares at the paper pokerfaced as a profuse blush climbs up my neck. I can't gauge his reaction until I see a flash of jealousy in his eyes.
"It's... for Fox's birthday." My voice shakes like I'm lying, but it really is for her birthday... Mostly. "I haven't finished it yet."
Fox's and my face still remain rough sketches, where Dora's face is almost a perfect replica of the real thing. The reference photo was taken months ago before Dora went back to Japan. Before I... messed everything up. Fox is holding the camera up and pointing it down towards us, getting the perfect angle for a selfie; she's pouting ironically, and my arm is around Dora's shoulders while I stick my tongue out at him, and he looks off to the side, mid-eye-roll. Fuck... Just thinking about it brings all the guilt back. I shouldn't have kissed him...
I chose this picture because I wanted an excuse to draw him, and I knew Fox would love it. But now looking at it hurts.
Marius' smile snaps me out of my sad reverie.
"It's excellent, you captured Dora perfectly." He hands the drawing back to me carefully. "Fox will appreciate this."
I can tell he's trying to not seem annoyed that I drew Dora's face first. He always tries to hide his jealousy, and I both hate and am glad of it.
"I'm going for a bath," he says with a soft voice, stroking my messy hair gently as he stands and I look up at him.
"But... You've just got back."
"Exactly!" He laughs. "Travelling makes me feel gross."
I grab his sweater sleeve, feeling the shirt underneath. "But..."
"Petra already ran the water. It'll get cold."
I let go of his sleeve, feeling a wave of disappointment. It's dumb, I know. He's back now, and he'll be back for a couple of months. But suddenly it's like he's abandoning me again.
I move out of the bed and follow him out of my room and into his like a puppy. I stand in the doorway watching as Petra comes through from the en suite, telling Marius that his bath is ready. She smiles at me as she walks past and I wait until she's down the first set of stairs before gliding into the room.
"Can I..." I close the door behind me, watching Marius pull his sweater off. "Can I bathe with you?" I step toward him just as he starts to unbutton his shirt and push his fingers aside so I can do it instead.
"I thought you were tired..." His hand reaches for my neck, pushing a section of red waves over my shoulder, touching my ear. I almost purr at his touch.
"I'm okay now." I look up at him with big eyes. His shirt now unbuttoned, I sneak my hands under the fabric and over his torso. The sensation of his soft skin and hard muscles against my palms makes it challenging to retain eye contact. "My body missed you..." I whisper, finally breaking, glancing at his chest and stomach. I sweep his shirt over his shoulders and onto the floor and trace his collarbone with my lips. "I missed you."
"Andrei..." he sighs. "Don't you have classes tomorrow?"
I pull away, pouting. "Didn't you miss me?"
He smiles. "Hey, of course, I did." He finds my waist, drawing me in closer to him. "I just don't want your studies to suffer."
"I don't have classes on Mondays though..." I reach my arms up around his neck, pulling his face down, nudging his nose with mine. "The bath is getting cold."
Marius's lips finally come to mine, practically possessing me instantly. But the kiss is brief and closed-mouthed.
"You go in," I say to him quietly. "I'll come in soon."
When he's out of sight, and the bathroom doors slide shut, I quickly undress, knowing that skinny jeans are the most unsexy thing to remove. I give him a little time to wash before I move to join him.
The bathwater is milky with all kinds of fancy lotions and potions. The scent rising from the steaming bowl smells like roses and honey, reminding me of other baths we've had together.
The bath is huge and round and right in the centre of the elegant room, all marble floors with gold accentuating; a king's bathroom. If he's the king, then what am I? His mistress..? Petra has even lined the sinks and edges of the room with white candles, creating a glowing orange light all around the bath.
Marius sits at the far side, and I practically have to swim towards him. He makes me turn around before I can go for his face again. He submerges the jug in the water before pouring it over my hair. The heat cascades down my back, making me sleepy. I close my eyes and Marius gently rubs shampoo into my hair, his long fingers massaging my scalp at the same time. My body is slowly relaxing as he rinses the bubbles away and wraps his arms around me. I lie back against his chest.
"I really did miss you, you know," he whispers, kissing my ear, his voice making me tingle, his lips more so.
I want him to show me how much he missed me. I can't even put into words how much I missed him, and I hate that he can. I turn around and wrap my legs around his waist. I can feel him getting hard as our parts touch.
His cold blue eyes seem softer in the dim light, his face tilted slightly up at me, unsmiling but full of love. I love him so much... My fingers find their way into his hair, still not used to being allowed to touch him like this. For so long, I had to fight it that I can barely believe it's happening. I still half expect him to suddenly change his mind and push me away, saying no, we can't do this... But he doesn't.
Am I still dreaming?
He pulls me closer to him by the hips. I almost can't stand the smallest space between us. It's as if I can't possibly be as physically close to him as I'd like to be. I lean my face towards his, bringing our lips together. The kiss is slow and open and makes me hotter than the bathwater ever could. I press myself against him as his hands travel up to my waist. Marius's body is elegant but so masculine; perfectly toned with broad shoulders and arms that make me feel safe. He's like an oil painting. He makes me feel like a girl with my small waist and transparent skin, but I don't let it distract me. The water hides most of my body anyway.
He breaks the kiss, my heart breaking a little with it, but only to run his lips over my neck, my body shivering with each touch.
"I missed your skin..." Marius says between kisses. I can't even hide how much I want him now as I stroke down his body and towards his hardest part, squeezing it gently between my fingers. He sighs heavily, his hands reaching around my back.
"What else did you miss?" I ask in a whisper, my body reacting to his voice, my fingers tightening their grip.
He moans slightly, only making me feel hotter. "Your hands..."
I put my lips to his ear, licking at his lobe. "What else..?" He throbs in my hands, making me burn inside like I'm on fire. He responds only with a shaky sigh. "Hmm?" I press him.
"Your... tongue..." His voice is weak. I love making him feel vulnerable for once. His hands are reaching down now, between my legs and to the back. I feel a finger sink inside me, making me jolt forward a little, my heart jumping in my chest. I hear his voice over the thump thump thump. "And this... I missed doing this..."
I lift myself on my knees, my body rising out of the water a little as his finger moves deeper. I release him from my grip, my hands finding his shoulders, his tongue licking at my chest. The tingling shoots up my core, making me cry out. My body opens to him more and more as I hover over him. I can feel his tip resting right next to where his hand is, making me crazy, and so ready for it.
As if reading my mind, he moves his hand away and pushes himself inside me, slowly easing my body down. He pulls at my hips to get deeper, and my brain goes wild with bliss. I ravage his mouth, my teeth biting at his lips between heavy breaths.
As we move, water splashes from the bath onto the floor, but neither of us cares. All I can focus on is how perfect Marius' body is, how well it seems to know mine, how it knows where all my most sensitive spots are, and how much I respond to it. We've only been going for a few minutes, and I'm already so close.
"Marius..." I gasp, not sure exactly how I'm going to form words in this state.
"Yes?" he purrs, rocking our hips together forcefully, making me cry out again.
"I don't think -" I claw at Marius's shoulders. "I'm sorry -"
My whole body is like nuclear fission; my arms, my legs, my tongue, even my hair follicles, I swear. The climax feels like it lasts for minutes while I re-materialise, but I know it's only a few seconds. I collapse against Marius as he kisses my neck. He laughs gently.
"That didn't take you very long," he says, moving to pull out. I put my hands on his arms.
"No... stay in. I like it when you're inside me," I murmur sleepily on his shoulder.
"We need to get out of the bath." He holds me away from him, smiling with amusement. "You got the water all dirty."
"I just really missed you," is all I can say by way of an excuse as he pushes my hips away and lifts himself out of the water. He steps out and grabs a towel. I watch him as he dries himself, the hardness wearing off. I lean against the side of the tub staring at his glistening body, my own still weak with completion.
"Are you going to get out of the bath, Andrei?" he says as he dries his hair with a towel.
"Eventually."
He turns, raising his eyebrows at me. "Your hair won't dry before bed if you don't get out now."
I sigh at him and pull the plug in the bath. "Fine..."
By the time my hair is dry and somewhat under control, Marius is already in bed reading. I only ever sleep in his bed when he's home. His room is so much more luxurious than mine, the bed bigger and more comfortable with gauze curtains around the posts, but I can't sleep in it unless he's here.
I slide in next to him, closing the curtain behind me. He immediately sets his book aside and gives me his full attention.
"How are classes going? Are you enjoying it?"
"They're fine... Can we not talk about it?"
"Okay..." He looks at me a little concerned.
When I think of classes, I think of my other life, where Marius isn't there, and when I think of that life, I think of all the times I go home with random guys, and then I think of Dora. I think of how much I didn't want to stop resisting him. And then I remember how it felt to kiss him... and other things. And how much I hurt him...
Fuck... why did I have to...
"Hey, you're a million miles away right now," Marius says, nudging my shoulder. I look over at him.
"Sorry," I smile weakly, pulling the covers up to my chin and lying down. "Just tired."
He turns off the lamp, the room instantly emerging in darkness.
It's been a month since I last slept in this bed, but it feels like it was only last night. I lean over and cuddle in on Marius's chest, feeling both complete and utterly alone. This is how things are meant to be. Stop thinking about another boy!
But having him here just reminds me what a horrible person I am. I'm so...
Broken.
I've lost count of the passing weeks since I saw my friends. If I can even call them that right now. I haven't dared go near the bar, despite Fox calling me on Tuesday with some disruptive news.
It was late, and I was in bed, sleep only just starting to haunt me, when my phone rang, quiet at first then growing louder the longer I left it. I was about to reject the call when I saw Fox's face on the screen.
"Andrei..." Her voice was thick and tearful.
I bolted upright, suddenly very awake. "What's wrong? What's happened?"
"It's Dora."
Fear gripped me like Death himself, remembering how he'd been when I'd seen him last, curled up and crying.
"Is he okay?" I tried to remain as calm as I could, but my brain was imagining all sorts, and I couldn't keep my voice from shaking with worry.
"He's... he's leaving."
"What?"
"He's going back to Japan."
My voice abandoned me as my heart wavered. "For, like, ever?"
She sniffed. "No... just for a few months."
I breathed slowly. "Shit."
I hadn't seen Dora in what felt like years, but it had been somewhat comforting that he wasn't far away from me, that he was always within a hundred miles at all times. But to think of him being so very far away wounded me far worse than anything that had happened recently.
And then I remembered that Fox wasn't speaking to me.
"Why are you calling me, Foxy?"
She was quiet for a moment. "Because... I think you're the reason he's leaving." Her voice wasn't angry or accusing, but soft and sad.
"I thought so," I said, dejectedly.
"Please... go see him."
My eyes widened in the darkness of my bedroom, even though she couldn't see me. "You what?"
"It might help."
"It might make it worse, Foxy. You were the one who told me to stay away from him. And everyone."
"That was a stupid idea. Dora misses you so badly, and so do I, and everyone."
We both went quiet, the silence crushing me like I was the smallest thing on earth.
"I'm not saying you didn't do a terrible thing, but..."
I bit my tongue. Fox doesn't know the half of it. "I can't. Dora hates me."
"He doesn't!"
"Yeah, he does." I sighed. "When does he leave?"
"Friday." Fox paused. "Please go see him."
I hesitantly agreed, without any real intention of doing so. But I knew, deep down in the pit of my disgusting, soulless stomach, I would be going to see Dora before Friday, and that I'd make everything worse.
I waited until Thursday night, knowing Nana would either be working or with his bandmates. I'd spoken to Fox a couple of times since our phone call, but I could tell she still wasn't quite ready to build that bridge back up again yet.
Part of me hoped that Dora wouldn't be in, that he'd be at the bar or with one of the others somewhere else. The light shining through the glass window above the door dashed all my hopes. I hovered my fist in front of the wood, building up every ounce of courage I could to knock on it.
I tapped on the door quietly, thinking that if he didn't hear it, it would be okay because it wouldn't be a lie when I told Fox later. But then I heard keys unlocking and then the handle turning and the door pulling at the thick carpet.
Our eyes met like lightning. Dora looked unbearably cute, as was typical for him, in an unironed Strokes t-shirt and ripped skinny jeans, and my soul crumbled just from gazing at him.
I half expected him to slam the door in my face. But he didn't. He stared at me as if he'd just seen a ghost.
"Andrei," he said with a soft voice. "What are you doing here?"
He didn't sound angry. His voice was sad, not unlike what it had been like last time I saw him. We can't be friends anymore...
"Fox told me you were leaving."
Dora stepped aside, allowing me in. I didn't know what to do with myself, or even what I was supposed to say to him. It was too late to say sorry, but how could I not apologise for being a shitty friend?
"Dora, I don't even..."
"It's fine."
I fought the urge to grab him and hold him. I knew I couldn't, that it would be the worst thing, not that he'd allow me to anyway. So instead, I let my mouth move and say things I should have said weeks ago.
"I was the worst person ever," I began, watching Dora wander over to his bed and sit. "I shouldn't have done what I did. Any of it. I'm so fucking sorry."
Dora stared ahead for a second. Without breaking his mindless gaze, he spoke. "Am I supposed to forgive you now?"
I gawked at him. "Well, no --"
"What the hell am I supposed to say to you?" His head turned, his eyes are still so sad. "You fucked me up."
"It wasn't my intention --"
"Fuck your fucking intentions. Fuck your conscience and your stupid fucking apology." Dora stood slowly, his voice alarmingly calm. He scowled for the first time as he stared at me. "And fuck you."
"Dora --"
"No. You don't get to call me that anymore." I could see tears starting to form in his fierce eyes. "I no longer exist to you."
"You'll never not exist to me," I shot back, matching his upset.
"That's not your call to make."
"Yes, it fucking is. I messed up. Badly. But I'm a fucking trainwreck on the best of days! I made a stupid mistake that I will be saying sorry for until I can't breathe anymore. And you can hate me if you want, but I can't delete you from my hard drive. I do actually care about you."
Dora's eyes streamed as he bit down on his bottom lip. I knew it was a mistake to listen to Fox, I thought to myself.
"Why did you have to come here?"
"You let me in."
He let out a loud and shaking sigh as his head drooped. "Yeah. I did. And look what good that did me?"
I knew this was about more than just tonight.
I could still remember that night we met like it was yesterday.
"Dora," I pleaded with him, my eyes matching his tears. "Please, don't hate me forever. I don't have an excuse for what I did. I'm just a mess. But I'm so much worse without you."
Dora whimpered quietly, his arms crossed over his stomach, and I could no longer fight my need to hold him. I wrapped myself around his body, pulling him in tightly. I knew I shouldn't, but I couldn't help it. His arms dropped to his sides as I breathed him in, but they didn't push me away.
And then I kissed him. It was brief at first, almost friendly, just a quick meeting of tear-stained lips. But then I felt myself fall for him, for his sweet mouth and his watery eyes. It didn't feel like I was leading him to the slaughter as it had done before. It wasn't filled with lust or pressure. And he didn't lift his arms to stop me as I raised my hands to his neck.
It wasn't like the other kisses.
It was our goodbye.
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