Warning: 18+ readers only; this blog is dark and full of terrors!
PANDA
Ichi loves cooking for himself. Even after a long and tiresome day at work, he will still take the time to prepare a proper meal. He prefers eating alone, which is why he rarely eats in public.
He hates watching sports but enjoys playing them. He played football all through high school and was top in his gym class - as well as most of his other subjects. His classmates would call him Number One.
His favourite part of his flat is the balcony. He says it's where he goes to forget about his life for a few minutes and watch the lives of others down below him.
He drinks his coffee and tea black and without sugar. He doesn't even keep sugar in his cupboard. But since I started staying over, he's been collecting sugar packets and milk pods so he can make me coffee how I like it. Even after I've forced my company on him on a weeknight, he'll leave me a flask by the bed before he leaves for work, so that I have something when I wake up.
I hold all this data fondly in my subconscious. Because Ichi makes me feel like I matter. He makes me feel human. He makes me feel something I've not felt in a long time.
And R makes me feel nothing.
It takes me a foolishly long time to understand that our relationship is no longer about sex. It's not about my need to feel wanted, or Ichi's want to feel needed. It's not about me turning up at his flat in the middle of the night, unannounced, drunk and lustful, hot from partying. It's not about just me anymore.
Last night was the last fight we'll have. As I watch his sleeping face, so serene and beautiful, I make a promise to myself to stop hurting him, quit being so damn selfish. I don't deserve him, even though he doesn't realise it.
My phone starts to ring. I jump out of bed, fumbling around in piles of my clothing strewn across the room trying to find it. It stops beeping just as my fingers feel the cold metal of the case under my t-shirt, and I glance over to see a still sleeping Ichi breathing quietly under the sheets.
It's seven a.m., only three hours since we finally parted our fatigued bodies, and I feel like I've been hit by a truck, desperate to sleep more. But as I check the missed call, my heart stops. R's name appears, and I remember I was supposed to call him long before now. Every Friday night, I call him at eight p.m., six hours ahead of his time. However, I had decided that I'd instead go out with a few friends. I hadn't had much fun, though, and after only a couple of drinks, headed home.
Only I didn't go home. Instead of giving the taxi driver my address, I'd given him Ichi's, as I had done so many times before. But even in my mistake, I still made my way up the steps towards Ichi's apartment and knocked on the door. He was surprised to see me so early in the evening. He'd just started making dinner for himself and invited me to stay.
"It's nothing fancy," he said as I pulled off my Dr Martens. "But there's plenty for us both."
We'd never actually had a meal together that wasn't breakfast, but as a hot waft of cooking sauces brushed my senses, I realised how hungry I was, and I couldn't possibly decline.
"It smells amazing," I said, pottering behind him, following him into the large kitchen. It felt strange to see the counter used for its primary purpose and not as a surface on which to have sex.
"It's just Bolognese," Ichi uttered. He seemed moody like any slight comment would irritate him, so I decided to stay quiet while I sat and watched him move around the kitchen.
After he'd put spaghetti in a pan and set it to cook, he turned around to face me and leant against the counter. "It's weird having you here before midnight."
I let a smile adorn my lips. "I know, I probably should have texted you first."
He shook his head. "You're always welcome here." His face looked softer for a second, his natural scowl dissipating along with any resemblance to his brother before he turned back to tend to the pasta. "Student eating isn't great."
"And yet you've never invited me over for dinner."
He threw me a sly glance over his shoulder. "I've never invited you over. Period."
There was obvious amusement in his voice, his apparent moodiness fading away, so I felt safe to banter back. "You're right. Why do I even come here?"
By the time we sat down to eat at his elegant oak dining table, we'd become comfortable with each other again. Something I had noticed every time I went to Ichi's was how cold he'd seem at first, as if each time, he had to defrost himself. It wasn't always simple getting him to warm up, but once he did, he was like a soft kitten, purring for attention.
It was nice eating with him. It made me regretful we hadn't done it before. Being with him was effortless, and conversation flowed smoothly. I would get lost in his face and voice as he described highlights of his day; the mindless ramblings of his coworkers, and the stressful drivers on the motorway, and the rude checkout girl at the store. My hand would find its way across the table to stroke his arm absently or entwine with his fingers, as he spoke of Dora's departure and their almost tearful goodbye at the airport, made worse by Dora not allowing Ichi to get out of the car.
The evening progressed as if we'd done this many times. We settled on his couch to watch some horror film neither of us found very scary, both with a bottle of beer, me with my feet tucked under myself, him with his legs stretched out on the padded footstool. My whole life outside of Ichi's flat faded into nothing as I progressively snuggled onto his chest until we were both spread across the sofa. It didn't matter that I already had a boyfriend or that Ichi and I had never had an evening like this. I couldn't ignore the shaking of my heart as Ichi's fingers fiddled with my hair absently or stroked circles on my shoulder.
As the credits rolled and Ichi got up to turn off the TV, my stomach sunk. Tonight had been far more revealing than the countless nights of what I had thought was mindless sex; I'd let myself feel more than just what was in my jeans. And the feeling was drowning my heart.
And in pure Panda form, instead of taking the epiphany to my phone, calling R and telling him I couldn't possibly be with him anymore because I was falling for someone else, I grabbed Ichi by his hips and pulled him into me. He didn't resist, not even a little bit, and let me lead him to his bed.
Because of what happened last night, I'm now gathering up my clothes and hurriedly dressing, preparing the speech for when I call R back.
This isn't working anymore, and it hasn't for a long time. There's no point in our relationship. I am happy, just with someone else...
I take one last peek at Ichi as he snoozes heavily and I skip out the front door.
NANA
Maki's haunting voice fills DancingQueens efficiently, bouncing off the colourfully lit walls and making my ears tingle. I can't resist watching him as he moves around the stage, effortlessly charming and confident, guitarless for the next few songs. He's approached me only a few times, sharing my mic but leaving me rejected, avoiding the flirtatious glances of which he's been accused.
I glimpse at the girls filling the large dance floor in front of us as I let my fingers work on the strings of the borrowed Fender. There must be about seventy bodies alone; the rest of them are sitting at booths nearby, and a few groups are dancing in the areas around the floor. A few of the younger girls have glow sticks. Some are holding small signs with their favourite member's name on it, making me feel like a real celebrity. And then I see one girl who is pretty close to the front of the stage, holding a smaller sign.
I stop playing, and Maki looks over at me in confusion as he continues to sing. I step forward and lean down a little towards the girl. She smiles at me widely as I take the sign from her hands and hold it in front of my face. It's dark, but the lettering is evident.
Maki struts over to me, letting Amber carry on his drum solo without any guitar accompaniment. I show it to him, hoping to get a blush out of him. I watch his face as he reads over the four letters, and then down at the girl who is still grinning as her friends surround her. He mouths the word to me; MaNa.
He doesn't break character for a second. To mine and the girls' immediate delight, he looks over to them and winks with an utterly seductive smirk on his lips, sending them somewhat into a frenzy. I glance at Tamaki to see him rolling his eyes in disapproval - of what, I'm not sure.
Maki folds and tucks the sign into his tight jeans before stepping close to me and bringing his lips to my ear. As he speaks, he runs a pale hand along the edge of my guitar, dangerously close to my crotch. "Do you reckon if they think I'm whispering something sexy to you, they'll go away?"
I stifle a laugh as he pulls away, so I wink at him as he brings his mic to his lips and continues the song. The girls below us look fit to collapse, and I stick my tongue out at them as I lay my fingers back on the strings.
I can feel elation coming over me as our set draws to a close. By ten p.m., we're crowded around the bar, and the under-age gig-goers have left the club.
Maki holds his beer like it's something precious to him. "I've never been so happy to have alcohol."
I laugh at him. "It wasn't that bad."
"MaNa. What the fuck."
On his last word, I feel a hand on my shoulder and lips near my ear.
"Can't believe I've put off your gigs for so long!"
I turn slightly to see Ichi's profile right by mine, and my stomach flips as I breathe in his scent. I spin around to face him. "You enjoyed it, then?"
I'm surprised to see him. We've not seen each other much since our birthday, and I'm not sure if I'm ready to pretend nothing happened.
"Yeah, man!" His eyes fall on Maki, who keeps his back to us as he swigs his beer. His expression suddenly becomes severe. "Could I maybe... speak to you in private?"
I can feel my abdomen tremble at the thought of being alone with him, and not necessarily in a positive way.
We walk out into the busy smoking area and find a quiet spot by some steps. Ichi retrieves a pack of cigarettes from his pocket, offering me one before he takes one for himself.
"I'm not sure how to say this," he says, his voice trembling as he takes a sharp intake of his cigarette.
I don't want to tell him I already know that he's been fucking Panda fairly regularly for weeks now. He doesn't deserve my honesty. Every breath I take is tobacco filled, waiting for him to finally come out with it.
I can see his unease as he looks at the wall behind me. "Nana, I don't know..."
His face fills with distress, and he drops his half-smoked Seven Star in front of him. His hands come up to his neck. "I'm a terrible person."
I suddenly feel sorry for him. "Ichi, I already know..." Well, that lasted long.
His eyes shut. "Oh, God."
"Panda... might have mentioned what's been going on."
"Well, fuck." Ichi looks away from me like he can't bear for me to see the visible tears developing in his eyes. "I know I said it wouldn't happen again... I'm sorry."
As much as the image of them being together has haunted me for weeks, I can't stop myself asking. "Why are you telling me now?"
He sniffs. "I think I'm in love with him." He pauses to look at me for a second. "I thought it would be... just physical, you know. He's just using me, and I can't do it anymore."
I've seen the way he looks at you, I want to reassure him. He broke up with his boyfriend today, I want to tell him. But all I can see is them falling into that damn taxi, and I can't bear to tell him how wrong he is.
"Are you sure?" is all I can ask, my stomach turning with guilt.
"I'm pretty sure." Ichi sighs heavily. "So when he arrives, I'm going to break it off with him."
My mouth drops a little. "Tonight? Here?"
I consider the idea of telling him everything... for all of about three seconds.
"Yeah... and I was wondering," he mutters. "Could you maybe be ready to split after I do? I need a getaway buddy."
"Of course," I say, my voice softening. I inwardly hate myself for not telling Ichi the truth, even though he's barely spoken to me recently. "Do you want to come back to the flat? You can stay if you don't want to go back to yours."
He nods, a tear falling down his cheek. I pull him close to me and hold him tightly. I feel his arms come up around my shoulders.
We stand like this for a few more seconds before Ichi breaks away and we decide to go back inside.
Heading to the bar, I can see only Amber and Tamaki.
"Where's Maki?" I ask.
"He left," Tamaki says. "I guess he was tired."
I look briefly at my phone, feeling troubled by his sudden departure. "It's not even eleven yet."
He shrugs. "He's not much of a night owl."
I squint at him, knowing that he's nothing if not a night owl.
Ichi leans against the bar and puts his hand on my arm, looking toward the other side of the room. "There he is."
I glance over; Panda stands speaking to one of the staff, in all his Goth brilliance. He's got his eighteen-eyed combat boots on over leather skinnies, his eyes made up only with a slight grey. He's left his hair with its natural wave, making him seem more grown-up. It takes him a few seconds to see me, waving at me excitedly until he sees Ichi. His face falls a little, and he makes his way straight across the dancefloor towards us.
"I'll go wait out front for you," I say to Ichi, and he nods.
I slip away before Panda gets to us, and I say my goodbyes to my remaining bandmates. I head straight for the exit to wait for Ichi.
I'm finishing my cigarette when Ichi bursts out the front doors, startling a few passers-by and other smokers. Panda comes out behind him.
"Ichiro!"
"I said I'm done."
I can see faint tears on Panda's cheeks. "But I--!"
"Panda, there is nothing you can say that's going to make me want you," Ichi spits at him. He's the angriest I've ever seen him. "It's over."
"You're lying to yourself." Panda is holding on to Ichi desperately, his voice quieter. "How can you change your mind so suddenly?"
Ichi pulls away sharply. "Why would I want to be with someone who treats me like you do?"
Panda looks away, powerless. Ichi gawks at him as if waiting for Panda to try and sway him. But when he says nothing, Ichi shakes his head.
"Just leave me alone."
Panda crosses his arms, watching his lover walk away from him. As Ichi marches right past me, I look back at my brother.
"Nana," he whispers, staring at me pleadingly.
I glance back and forth at my brother and the man I'm in love with, torn between them.
I shake my head at Panda, shrugging and mouthing an apology.
As I walk away with Ichi, I wonder if he'll ever forgive me.
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