(Strong language!)
NANA
Seeing them together didn't bother me. Not even one bit. I thought it would, but it didn't. In fact, it warmed me that Ichi was happy and my brother was the one making him so. It was right, him being with Panda. They suited each other as they sat in the corner, chatting casually. The way Panda looked at Ichi, you wouldn't think that he'd denied having any feelings more deep-rooted than the sexual for ages. I was happy for them. And I've finally realised that I should have been more concerned about something - or rather, someone - else. I don't know how I missed it, what all those spellbound moments were, or the jealousy, or the pain in my heart.
Maki's voice haunted the room, and everyone's attention was on him, us, while he serenaded the bar. It was a painful song. His voice, the way he sounded when he sang it... It hurt. I could feel the emotions in me, my fingers almost seizing up as I plucked gently at the strings, trying to maintain that gentle sound. It was just the two of us playing, but it honestly felt like the whole room had disappeared, leaving only him and me. No one moved. Amber and Tamaki were still, both sitting at the bar, soaking in the sound.
I couldn't stop myself looking at Maki's face as he sang. It was the first song we ever did together, the first time he made me feel infinite. And it was the first ballad we'd ever done for a crowd, which had seemed like a huge risk to take on a Friday night. He was usually so vibrant and engaging, so full of charisma and energy when we played live. But the bar was equally entranced, if not more so; just as besotted with him as they had been on previous songs, almost as besotted as I was.
He barely looked out at them. It was almost as if he was singing just to himself and whoever the song was about, but he made me feel like it was for me too. I wanted to understand the words he sang, feel what he felt, put him back together. I was lost in him, the real him.
As the song ended and the bar erupted in tearful applause, I wanted to keep looking at him, but he calmly walked off the stage and through the back door.
I listened to Tamaki speak to the crowd briefly before Fox began asking people to leave, and Maki reappeared. I swear his face looked even more pained than it had a few minutes previous.
He moved to tidy up the instruments with Amber as Tamaki unplugged the amps. And I stood there, still recovering from the pain in Maki's song.
"Are you gonna help or..?" He was looking over at me, faint annoyance in his voice.
I mumbled an apology and set about unplugging things and moving them into Amber's van.
Once we'd finished, I was more than elated to finally get a beer in my hands and a seat at the bar. It had quietened down a bit now that the gig was over; anyone legal had gone clubbing, and the fangirls had been kicked out, only the regulars remaining. I hadn't expected such a turn-out, purely because it was so last minute I didn't even think that many people would have known about it.
Fox stared me down as I drew shapes in the condensation on the glass.
"Not sitting with everyone else tonight?" she asked, her voice gentle, almost like she was talking to a child. When I met her with only silence, she continued: "That last song was lovely. You and Maki were great. Just the two of you. Together." She made a gesture with her hands like she was about to start praying, pressing her palms together.
I looked across the bar, squinting at her. I'd expected her to be off counting all the money she'd made tonight (after charging ten quid per head to get into the gig) rather than idly chatting with me at the bar. "It was Tamaki's idea."
I felt like she was hinting at something, but somehow I didn't catch on. Things between Maki and I were still strangely tense. He'd been so far away from me, keeping his distance onstage and off. I was missing him, how we used to be together.
Honestly, I had wanted to drag him closer to me while we were performing, just to try and get him to act as he had done before. It was as if I was addicted to him being next to me.
I was sure the thumping of my heart whenever Maki would stand in front of me and use my microphone wasn't normal, or when he would throw that look at me on specific lyrics. I didn't know why, but it made me play better and gave me the adrenaline to perform well.
And now, it seemed like he couldn't bear to be anywhere near me.
Which is why I was so surprised when I heard Fox saying "Speak of the devil!" as Maki pulled up a stool next to me. She handed him a beer, gave me that weird look again and went to clean up some glasses.
"So what were you saying about me?" Maki said, sipping his beer.
"Not all that much."
He was quiet for a while before his voice broke through the awkwardness. "I know you're in love with Ichi."
My face burned red, completely caught off guard, just at the suggestion of it. I couldn't even fathom what would give him that idea, regardless if it had been sort of correct, albeit a little exaggerated.
My expression must have said a thousand words; Maki turned his face towards the bar, a knowing but irritated looking smile crossing his doll-like lips.
I didn't even know what to say. But what confused me more was why Maki seemed a bit mad. "How did you come to that conclusion?" I said finally, as cool as I could muster - which was not very cool at all.
"You think you're so subtle as if you wear a cloak that hides all your feelings. Maybe the others haven't noticed. Your eyes say a lot more than your mouth does."
I looked around to make sure no one was paying us any attention. Ichi and Panda had left already, and Tamaki had joined Amber in their usual corner booth. Even Fox was lingering at their table as if she was afraid to come back over. I could see Tamaki giving me an oddly worried glance.
"You know," Maki continued after a long swig from his bottle. "If only you were as perceptive as me..."
I studied his face, seeing the emotion I'd seen as he'd sung that last song. The pain in his eyes was nearly unbearable for me. I waited for him to continue, but he stayed silent.
"I'm not sure I understand where you're going with this..." My voice was quiet. I was utterly bewildered. "Is that why you've been weird with me?"
He stared ahead of him, at the bottles behind the counter, biting on his bottom lip.
I sighed, feeling frustrated. "What's up with you? Why do you suddenly care who I like?"
He pushed the bottle away from him. "I'm not thirsty anymore." He stood and calmly walked straight out the back door, Tamaki running after him.
It's Saturday night, and we're doing another set at Black Cat. Initially, we'd only agreed to do one night, but Fox had had so many people come in advance to buy tickets that she asked us to do the next night too. Of course, no one had foreseen this even weirder tension between Maki and me.
He hasn't spoken to me since last night, even when we did the soundcheck earlier. I didn't think it could get weirder than it has been lately. He just blanks me at every turn, and I don't know what to do. It's starting to feel like it did in the beginning and I can't stand it. I realise now why he's so annoyed with me if you can call it that. The others are trying to stay out of whatever the hell this is, being overly friendly to me about everything, but they're bound to be biased. The three of them have always been a group, and Tamaki and Maki are brothers. I haven't got a chance here.
I manage to catch Maki alone while he's checking over the setlist in the back of the van, sitting on one of the bigger amps.
"So are you just not going to speak to me?"
He stays silent.
"Maki. I don't even... I don't even know why you're so mad."
He throws the setlist down. "You're so bloody stupid; it's actually unreal."
I stare at him, wide-eyed. He's looking straight ahead, not daring to meet my eye.
"What the hell is your problem?"
"Nothing."
"Obviously, I've done something. Or not done something. Why can't you just tell me?"
He seems to soften a little. "Look, it's nothing. I'm just... I've been in a terrible mood lately."
I pull across another amp and sit next to him. "You know you can tell me... whatever it is. We're friends, right?"
He turns to look now, his eyebrows furrowed in that cute way they sometimes do when he sings, his eyes so delicate in the dim light.
"Of course we are."
"You know, I don't feel like that about Ichi anymore." I swallow what feels like a fist-sized lump in my throat as I stare into Maki's eyes.
I want to tell Maki that my feelings for Ichi had been decaying since my birthday and I didn't realise what was going on, and what I feel when I look at him. And thinking that he's hurting because of me makes me feel like I'm shattering.
"I just want things to go back to normal." It's not entirely true, but it'd be better than whatever this is.
"Yeah. Same." His voice is more monotone than usual, with a hint of disinterest. But his expression is so full. He looks at me, and I lose myself for a moment, studying him; his eyes with their unusual pale brown, the softness of his features, and skin like a doll. A beautiful porcelain ghost.
I find myself reaching to touch his cheek as if to check he's a real living, breathing person. He doesn't flinch, his bright gaze never wavering. I've not been this close to his face off stage. Without the noise of the guitars and drums, I can almost hear my heart racing. My eyes flicker over the heart-shaped lips, and my lungs take a sharp breath. I yearn to feel their delectable redness with my fingertips. I'm about to give in to them when we hear a shuffling behind us.
I jump away from Maki like he's hot iron and see Amber standing at the open doors. Maki turns away from us both, and I can see a blush across his face as he picks up the setlist.
"We need the extra amps, could you grab one?" Amber says to me, smiling as if he hasn't even noticed what he might have interrupted and walks back through to the pub.
I grab the amp, stopping briefly and turning to Maki. "Uh..."
He stares down at the sheet as if he'd rather die than look at me. It takes every ounce of willpower to walk away.
What did Amber just interrupt?
It feels like the most extended gig in history. To onlookers, it's just like any other performance; Amber killing it on the drums, Tamaki shredding the bass with expert precision, Maki seducing every goddamn living thing in the room with his effortless and haunting voice. And then there's me, speeding my way clumsily through solos, willing the night to be over.
The usual spark between Maki and me has become a dull roar in my chest. How did I not realise how far this was escalating? How could I have been so fucking dumb?
It's the last song. Maki is addressing the crowd with the same charisma and confidence that is ever-present onstage and nonexistent otherwise. How does that not exhaust him?
I can hear it. The chanting is quiet at first, but then others join in. I'm pretty pissed to see Fox pumping her fist in the air as the crowd shouts "Ma~na! Ma~na! Ma~na!"
Maki looks at me for the first time since we set foot on the small stage. I had stayed away for the whole performance, worried about what would happen if I met his eyes again. But he's looking at me now, in part fear, part desperation, slowly breaking character.
The crowd has never chanted like this before. We didn't think "Mana" was a serious thing, just something a couple of fans had come up with, occasionally posting it under Instagram posts of Maki and me.
The set is small, and Maki is only a few feet away, so it doesn't take much to break the distance between us. I place my hand across his chest and on his starry tattooed collar bone, leaning close to his ear, hoping he'll hear me over the slightly confused cheers of the audience and Amber's drum solo.
"I'm sorry."
He moves away enough for me to see his worried eyes, and his lips move: "What for?"
My hand follows the tattoos up his neck, and I forget a hundred or so people are watching. I pull his face towards me. His lips touch mine quickly, and I stop hearing the screaming crowd, or any bewildered exclamations from the others, and I'm only vaguely aware that Amber has ceased. It's only Maki and me and our mouths.
The moment is gone spectacularly fast.
Maki pulls away, looking at me like he has no idea what just happened. Before I can say anything - not like he'd be able to hear me over the clapping and cheering - he's turning away and darting out the back door, towards the smoking area. I look at Amber and Tamaki, both of them staring at me.
"What the hell was that?" Tamaki near yells before following after Maki.
The jukebox starts up as if on cue. I turn to see Fox frantically turning up the volume to distract everyone.
"Make it look like we're finishing up!" Amber says to me, standing and starting to unplug amps. But I just stand there, not knowing what to do.
I go to leave, but Amber stops me. "I wouldn't."
"I need to -"
"No, just... Give him a minute. Let's pack up, okay?"
My head is in chaos. What did I do?
"I can't, I have to see him." I head for the back door, hearing Amber calling after me but I need to see him. What did I do what did I do what did I do...
There's no one else outside other than Andrei, who's watching Maki pace back and forth with a cigarette in his hand. He's not saying anything, just inhaling deeply on the smoke. Tamaki is nowhere to be seen, but I guess he's gone to get another pack of Richmond for his brother. Even though he hates Maki's smoking, he'll always get cigarettes for him if he's stressed out.
Andrei sees me first. He gives me a warning look, but it's too late. As Maki turns towards me, it becomes very apparent why Amber was trying to keep me away.
It's over pretty fast, the fist connecting with my face. I don't really know it's happened until I feel tarmac under me and my nose starts throbbing.
"Fuck..." I murmur, catching the blood dripping onto my t-shirt.
Andrei is at my side, helping me up, while Maki clutches his fist. "Damn, your face is harder than it looks."
I feel unusually serene. I've just been punched in the face, and I am as calm as a cucumber. Andrei is using his sleeve against my nose, but I wave him off gently. "It's okay, I deserved it."
Maki fidgets, perhaps starting to feel like maybe that wasn't the best course of action. And then I hear Tamaki's voice behind me.
"Dude, you punched him?"
"I think Maki and I need to talk privately."
Tamaki and Andrei both look at me like I'm insane.
"Nana, don't be a hero," Andrei says as if Maki might murder me if we're left alone together.
"Leave us."
Maki's voice is sharp, and the two of them give me a final look before going back through the door like it might be the last time they ever see me.
Before I can open my mouth to even begin to try and justify my actions, Maki takes a deep breath.
"Please, for the love of God, explain to me why you did that." He's so angry he doesn't wait for an answer. "That's not how we do things, Nana. We don't do... that kind of thing!"
I can't stop a small laugh escaping my lips. "It wasn't for the performance."
He throws his hands up in the air. "Then what the hell was it for? What are you playing at? Do you have any idea what a shit thing you've done?!"
I shrug my shoulders, and he lets out a growl. Part of me is enjoying this; this unrestrained Maki, so unlike the quiet and demure Maki I'm so used to. This Maki is much more like his stage persona. So full of fire and life. But at the same time, I really don't want him to punch me again.
"I don't know why you're so mad," I say directly. "It was just a little kiss."
He grips his hair, turning away from me. "You think you can just do whatever you want, don't you?"
"You just punched me, so don't even start on the doing whatever you want bullshit," I shoot back, crossing my arms. The blood has dried under my nose, but it still fucking hurts.
"I punched you because you deserved it." His voice is quieter now.
"Maybe I did but not for kissing you."
He turns, scowling at me as if to ask Are you really that stupid? "Why, then?"
"For not... kissing you sooner."
There's a silence and Maki's eyes close for a beat. "Don't, Nana."
"Don't what?"
"Just don't..." he says through gritted teeth. "You think because... because..."
"Because of what? Huh? Tell me."
He crosses his arms, gripping at the sleeves of his plaid shirt. "Fuck this." He goes to walk past me, but I grab his arm.
"Let go," he whispers scowling.
"I will if you tell me."
"Why should I?" He pulls his arm free. "Because Andrei said no to you?"
Oh shit.
"He told you about that?" I don't even know what to do with myself, shifting my feet and looking around me. Hell, I don't even know who I am anymore.
Maki's eyes narrow. "Yeah."
"It was like two months ago, I don't understand how it's even relevant," I say defensively.
"It's relevant because I don't want to be some rebound for you!" Maki stares at me so intensely it makes me want to grab him and shake the words out of him. He wants to say something, but he won't. "Honestly, I'm not even surprised you liked Ichiro so much," Maki says, his voice starting to tremble. "Look at him! He's in a whole different league to me! Hell, he's not even the same sport. I'm like amateur golf, and he's like the World Cup."
I stare at him for a second, barely understanding the sports references. "What?"
"He's like a fucking movie star, and I'm just... no one."
"How can you say that?!" I don't mean to sound angry, but just the thought of him putting himself down makes me mad. "Have you ever looked at yourself? If anyone should be in a movie, it's you."
A somewhat sarcastic smile dances on his lips. "Yeah, I'm the vengeful ghost who crawls out of the attic...or a TV, or whatever it was you said."
I bite my lip, the tension bouncing off each of us. "I thought... I thought you were okay about that."
"Well, maybe, I'm not! Maybe it still hurts me that you thought I was creepy when I was just intimidated by you!" Maki purses his lips together. "And you go from someone like Ichiro to someone like Andrei..."
"The reason I tried to... with Andrei is because I wasn't me then. I was hurting. And I thought it would make me feel better. I'm not proud of myself."
Maki scoffs. "We all get hurt, Nana. But it's not an excuse to be a huge dick."
I swallow. "I know... But it's not like that now."
"Then what is it like?" It's Maki's turn to cross his arms. "Because you can't get either of them, you go for someone who's beneath you, who you think would be the easy option? Will that make you feel better?"
I can feel a deep frustration building inside of me. Maki's words are like a hundred little knives being fired at me all at once. "That's not even close to the truth!" My voice is rising in a way it hasn't in years. "You... I don't know when I'm with you, it's..." I can't even say it. I've never had to do this with anyone, and I didn't think I'd ever need to. Not even with Ichi. "It's different, I don't know! With you barely speaking to me, it's been making me crazy. You make me feel like..." I clench my fists, my whole body tensing. "Like I'm not a complete loser. You make me want to make better decisions and be a better person. You've made me passionate about music, and when you sing... you make me feel infinite. Maki, I think you're fucking... beautiful." I realise I've been talking for far too much time and need to round up this little confession before I die of embarrassment. "I do not think you're the easy option." I take a deep breath. "If anything, it's you who's out of my league."
Maki's face is softening again, like earlier, on the amps. His lips part slightly, and I watch them, waiting for them to speak, just plain wanting them.
"Nana..."
He looks like he's in agony. I move close to him again, placing my hands on his neck, gazing at his pained and sweet face.
"Maybe... Maybe we don't need to say it," I hum. "But don't tell me it's not there."
My nose is stinging so bad, but it doesn't stop me aching to feel his lips again, feel that electricity so incredibly as I did on stage. The heat from his body is almost as intoxicating as his gaze. Sparks...
"Are you going to tell me you don't feel this... this... thing between us?"
The shake of his head is so slight I wouldn't have even noticed it if I wasn't so close to him.
"Why now? What's different now?" His eyes drop, breaking his gaze.
"It's just taken me a little while to get here," I say. "I took a detour."
I see a smirk appear on his lips. "How was the scenery then, Nana?"
"Pretty shit, if I'm honest," I say with a smile, watching him roll his eyes. "But see? I'm here now. And I'm sorry I didn't realise it sooner... that..."
Maki looks at me, the tranquil brown shining brightly in the moonlight.
"It's you."
I'm not really aware of Maki leaning in until our lips are touching. This time, he pulls me closer, his arms gently reaching for my back, and I find my hands gripping at the backcombed black mess of his hair. Our lips are slow at first, careful and delicately moving against each other. Even his tongue is as soft and delicious as I imagined; the faintest taste of cigarette lingering. The pain stinging my nose doesn't matter; the kiss accelerates, my stomach somersaults, and my heart beats wildly against my chest. I'm pushing him against the wall, his hands snaking up under my t-shirt, his fingernails scratching at my skin just enough to make me hot.
I barely realise someone - possibly Tamaki - is opening the back door and mumbling a breathy "Jesus..." before closing it again.
And then he's pushing me away.
MAKI
"I can't," is all I can say. My heart is on fire, and I feel like it's going to explode.
Nana's face crumbles with worry. "What's wrong?"
I turn away from him and dart along the alley. He follows me as I turn onto the street and grabs my arm.
"Maki, what's wrong?" All the colour has drained from his face. "I just... basically tore out my heart and handed it to you. Don't you dare tell me that didn't mean anything to you."
I look around, hoping the street is empty.
I want to tell him that it meant everything to me and that I know how hard it was for him to do that. I want to say just how long I've wanted to kiss him like that and to be kissed like that. I want him to know that I'm so painfully in love with him that I think my heart might stop if I keep going with him.
But nothing is coming out.
To hear those words from him was all I've wanted since I met him.
"Say something." Nana's voice is trembling like it might break at any minute. "I don't understand what's happening right now."
"I can't say what I want to say."
"Please..."
I take a shaken breath, not quite believing what's about to be exhaled.
"I'm always going to wonder if you still like him."
Nana frowns at me. "What can I do to convince you?"
I shrug. "I don't know."
"Maki, I've never ever told anyone how I feel about them before... Everything I just said, that's entirely new to me."
Nana holds my face in his hands, and I raise my eyes to meet his.
"Like, I've never said anything like that before. To anyone. Ever."
My heart feels so full right now, I can feel it erupting.
"In fact, that's the most I've ever said to someone in one sitting."
I let out a brief laugh through my nose. "I noticed."
He smiles at me sadly. "Maki, I don't know what else I can say, or do, that'll prove how I feel about you."
I shake my head. "It's not you... It's me."
"... Ouch." He blinks quickly, letting go of my face.
"No, that's not what I meant," I say pleadingly, placing my hand on his arm. "I mean..."
I don't get to finish my sentence.
I hear the sound of a car skidding, and turn to see bright lights and Nana grabs me forcefully.
And then everything goes black.
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