Old Feelings: Chapter Two

Warning: 18+ readers only; this blog is dark and full of terrors!

(Bad language & scenes of a disturbing nature!  Do not read if easily upset!)

Acacia

The walk home calms me down. Milo greets me at the door with a polite meow, rubbing his side against my legs. I reach down, scratching his chin.

"I'll feed you soon, baby," I say to him and he totters away up the stairs towards the kitchen probably, only his little white feet visible and silent on the carpet. I throw my bag to the side and pull my boots off, not even attempting to turn the light on.

I can still hear his words echo in my head.  No one is queer in this town. No one. He's right.  

Nova

"Nova, I thought you'd be over later!" My mum is surprised to see me but I need to tell her.  She needs to know Cass is back. She ushers me in to the kitchen and puts the kettle on. "I'm making spaghetti for tea!"

I start fidgeting at the breakfast counter.

"What's wrong, babe?" She turns, crossing her arms over the frilly apron she always wears when she's in the kitchen.

"Cass is back."

Her face is deadpan as she turns back towards the counter, the tired auburn waves of hair bouncing on her shoulders. "Oh? You saw him?"

Well, that's not the reaction I was expecting. "Yeah... He's in one of my classes.  Have you spoken to Matty?"

"You know we don't speak since... Since you kids fell out."

"Mum, you guys were best friends, and so were Cass and me. No one fell out, they ran away."

"And you know why."

"Because Cass was beaten up? No, there's something else that no one is telling me."

Mum is silent and still, like she's hiding something.

"Mum, what is it?" I almost shout at her. I never shout at her.

She places her hands on the counter, sighing.  "Look, I don't know whether you know much about what happened... Before Cass was attacked." She turns around, moving to sit across from me. I stay silent, my heart thumping wildly.

Mum takes a deep breath, looking me straight in the eyes. "Apparently, Cass was seen kissing a boy." I flinch a little. "Did you know about that? I guess you must have heard the rumours... But it's not necessarily true. Those kids probably made--"

"No..." I breathe in, not quite believing what I'm about to say. "It's true."

"How can you know that, though? Unless you saw something?" She stares are me intensely, almost accusingly. 

"It was me he was kissing."

I watch my mum's face as my words register, her eyes so like mine flickering with disbelief.  "Oh..?" She's trying to not sound surprised, like I've just told her I saw a bird outside. "That's... Umm..."

"It's okay, mum. I'm not gay or anything."

She sighs. "Honey, no, you know I wouldn't care if you were. It's just... Cass? Why?  You two grew up together."

"I dunno, it just kind of happened."

She nods her head like she's desperately trying to seem like she believes me. Then she makes a little sound like a wounded bird. "That poor boy... How does his face look?"

"Honestly, he looks the same. Except, his eye..."

"Oh god. No wonder Matty took him away."

"I think I'll come back later on, if that's okay," I say, standing from my seat. 

"Oh, sure. What's wrong?"

"The thing about Cass kissing a boy... That's all you knew right?"

"Of course," she says. I believe her.

"It really is my fault he got jumped, then."

"Nova..."

But I'm already heading out the door. I jump in the car (a hand-me-down dark blue Seat Ibiza), not really sure what I'm doing, or where I'm going. I feel sick and all I can think about is Cass; his eyes, his hair, his nose...his lips...

He's in front of the car.

I put my foot down, breaking just before I hit him. He looks shaken as he pulls his headphones off and steps around the car, apologising. I roll down the darkened window and I watch his expression go from worried to frustrated.

"Oh my G-- are you stalking me now?" Cass turns and crosses over the road.

I don't know what I'm thinking as I undo my seat belt and get out of the car, following him on to the pavement. "Cass, I need to know what happened."

"You need to know when to leave it alone," he says, barely even looking at me. He walks ahead of me and turns into Bolton Avenue, putting his headphones back on his ears.

"Cass!"

I get back in the car, half tempted to follow him, but instead I sit for a minute.  How do I get him to talk to me?

Acacia

No one is queer in this town.  No one.  You think you're so special that you want to get fucked by boys?  I'll show you how fucking special you are, you little fag!

I close my eyes.

I saw him.  

Hanging around outside the little shop near my house.  The one where Nova and I would get ice cream when we were kids and didn't care about anything.  I feel sick.

I just needed air.  All the air in the world.  The flat was suffocating me with its dark silence.  I had to get out.  But it was a mistake.

It wasn't until he saw me that I wanted to rip my own hair out just to have something to shove down his throat.

Just having his gaze fall on me was enough to tear through me again.  Enough to take me back. I'll show you where being a faggy little cunt gets you.

And then he smirked.

Enough to make me want to hurt myself again.

By the time I arrive back at the housing complex, it's dark outside. It must be nearly ten by now, surely.  I don't like staying out until it's dark.  It's so much harder to see.

But not so hard that I don't spot a very familiar car in the carpark.  When there's no movement from inside it, I deem it safe enough to get to my flat door undetected.

"Cass!"

Clearly I was wrong.  Keys in hand, I turn to see Nova dart across the carpark towards me.

"Where the hell have you been?"

I stare at him in disbelief.  Who the hell does he think he is?

"Nova, what the hell are you doing?! I was joking when I asked if you were stalking me, but this is insane."

"I was worried..."

"How did you even find out where I was living?"

"I took a guess that you'd gone back to your old place..."

I sigh, closing my eyes for a beat longer that normal.  Sometimes I forget he's from a past life.  "Nova, please... just leave me alone."

"Can't you understand even a little why I want to talk to you?"

"No, not really."  I'm unlocking the door now, but he tries to follow me inside.  A past life that's still his present.

"This is killing me," he says quietly.

"Well this is killing me!" I shoot back, a little too loudly.  I breathe slowly, letting my voice lower again.  "Nova.  You need to let go.  I don't want to talk to you."

It hurts to lie this much... It hurts how normal he makes me feel.

Nova

I can tell he's lying.

"Cass, please just... let me in again."

"This is..." He looks down, his voice a whisper.  "Too much."  His hand grips on the open door.

"I know you want to let me in.  I get that it must be hard but, please --"

Cass's eyes shoot open, as if waking from a trance.  "Just leave me alone!"  

I see his hand pushing on the door, and then the door, and then nothing.