Old Feelings: Chapter Three

Warning: 18+ readers only; this blog is dark and full of terrors!

(Bad language & scenes of a disturbing nature!  Do not read if easily upset!)

Nova

"Aah!" I wince as Cass dabs a damp cloth on my face.  "Jesus..."

"Keep still," he says patiently.  "Maybe I should take you to the hospital."

"Maybe you should, you know, not slam doors in people's' faces..."

He looks at me like I'm an idiot. "If you hadn't followed me to the door --"

"If you had just let me in..."

He sighs, continuing to gently mop up the blood around my nose, the conversation perhaps reminding him too of the one we had earlier today.  "Do you reckon it's broken?"

"No, it should be fine.  I'll probably have some pretty black eyes tomorrow though." 

I don't want him to move away from me but he does, standing to rinse the cloth out in the sink.  It hurts a little to open my eyes.  He's taken off his sweater after it got stained with my blood, his t-shirt leaving his arms and the back of his neck exposed and I notice a couple of small round scars on his skin.  I want to ask if he's okay but then I hear him giggle.

"What's so damn funny?" I say through gritted teeth as my nose throbs.

"I was just thinking... how many times have I had to do this now?"

I only have to think for a second before I'm flooded by memories.

"Oh, like the time you decided it would be a great idea to throw a rock at the front wheel of my bike... while I was going down Mennley Hill?"

He laughs and I look toward him, my vision still a bit blurry.  He moves to sit next to me again, his smile lighting up his whole face. I realise just how much I missed it and my heart skips a little, my own smile lingering.

"Or how about when you wanted to push me as high as you could on that swing, do you remember?"

"I'm surprised I do, I swear you gave me a concussion."

"Oh man... I'm sorry," Cass says, smiling and looking up at me through strands of hair, not looking the least bit sorry.  And it's like no time has passed.  We're fifteen again.  The kitchen has barely changed since we would sit at this table as kids, only I'm a bit taller and Cass is a bit prettier.  I wish I'd known how he felt then.

A moment passes and we look at each other, the laughter fading with the smiles.  And it's like no time has passed...

Cass reaches his hand out and places it on my bare arm.  His skin is warm and comforting.  But as I look down, I notice the underside of his forearm.  Healed scars, straight like frets on a guitar.  They're old but heavy, like they were once carved deep with precision, and surrounded in fainter marks of different lengths.
 I know I should ignore it and pretend I didn't see.  But I know what the scars are.

"What's...?" I take his hand, turning his arm a little.  "Cass, did you do this?"

He pulls away immediately, unable to cover himself.  He stares down, almost like he didn't even notice it was there before.  The old Cass disappears as if he was never there.  I expect him to run away again, but there's nowhere for him to go.

"Cass..."

Acacia

"You should go," I say, barely even out loud.

Nova's face falls as he looks at me.  I can't stand it. I wander to the middle of the small kitchen, not really sure what I'm doing.  I tug nervously at the bottom of my t-shirt, my hands trembling.   It's happening.  I can't breathe.

"I'm not leaving you.  I'm not going to let you run away."

Suddenly he's behind me, his hand gently resting on my shoulder.  I can feel my cheeks getting wet with warm tears.

"Please... I can't..."

"Is it because of... that day?"  Nova's voice is so soft, but I can tell he's confused.  Of course he is.  "Did you... do this yourself?"

"... Yes."  The words are dry.  He won't understand.  He's too normal.

He's quiet.  His hand moves down my arm, stroking my skin.  It feels comforting.

Fucking queer!

"I'm sick."

Nova's hand moves away, startled.  "I'm sorry?"

"I'm sick..." I whisper.  "I'm disgusting."

I can feel myself shaking, my throat aching.  I don't want to tell him but my body wants to get it out, like saying it will make it go away.

"Cass..."

I turn around to face him, but I can't look at him.  I can nearly feel him giving me that look, the same one that makes my heart beat a little faster.  My voice is so quiet as I say the words.  They're barely even there.  "Gary..."

Nova

I can't be sure I heard him right.

"What..?"  I can't...

Cass shakes his head.  "It was him."

"He attacked you!?"

He nods, not looking at me.

I can't believe I'm hearing this.  It was him.

Cass nods, holding himself like he's caught a chill.  He breathes unsteadily as tears continue to fall from his eyes.  "You can't tell anyone."

"We need to!  I mean, I don't even know what can be done now, but you need to tell --"

"That he raped me."

Another whisper so quiet that I can't be sure he said it.  But he did.

My heart drops to the pit of my stomach.  I can feel my own tears coming now.  "He what?!"

"Nova, please, you can't..."  Cass grips at his arms, digging his nails into the skin.  "You can't tell."

I clench my fists, exasperation and fury taking over my entire body.  "I'm not going to tell," I say through gritted teeth.  "I'm going to fucking kill him."  I turn, grabbing my jacket from the chair.

"No!  Please!"  Cass grabs my arm.

"I'm going to rip him apart for what he did to you!"

"But --"

I can't even begin to comprehend what's going on.  I can only imagine...  "But?!  But what?!  He's Satan!"

"I'm scared!"

I stare at him, wide-eyed.  I turn towards the hall and start down the stairs.  Can I remember where Gary lives..?

I hear Cass calling after me.

Acacia

"Nova, please don't leave me!"

He stops mid-stair, turning to look up at me.  I'm a mess of tears.

"Please...  He'll tell everyone."

He turns his head away.  "This... is my fault," he says quietly.

I reach out to him, gesturing for him to come back up.  He walks to meet my hand and he's standing in front of me again.

He holds my face in his hands, and I let him.  How badly I've wanted him to touch me like this...for years.  "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Then I'd have to tell you everything..."

Nova's hands touch my face again, sweeping my hair away from my eyes.  "Tell me what?"

I swallow.  "No one is queer in this town."

Nova stares at me.  He'll never understand. "Cass, you're not sick."

"You think so?"  I ask, frustrated.  "I spent the first two years in Galloway in and out of hospital.  My own mum hates me for this, because I'm..."

"Cass, you're not sick."  His voice is deadpan.

I wish I could believe him.

Nova

Acacia lies in his bed, leaning over the side so I can see him.  He's laid out a yoga mat and blankets for me to sleep on, his cat curled up at my feet.  If it wasn't for the cat, it would feel exactly like it did five years ago when we would sleep in this exact way.  I wish I'd realised back then what it meant for me to wish to be closer to him when we'd lie awake like this.

There's a long silence between us as we look at each other, and a question that has been daring to surface finally reaches my lips.

"Cass, why did you come back?"

He turns on to his back.  "I thought it would make me better."

I feel myself getting angry again.

"If I see him..."

"Promise me you won't do anything."

"I can't promise anything."  I exhale sharply.  "Why?  Why did he have to go after you? I should have been me."

He doesn't answer me.  I can only faintly see his face in the dark room.  He stares at the ceiling.

I stand, walking around to the other side of his bed and I crawl under the covers and he turns to face me.  How many times did I want to do this before?

I want to tell him that.  I want to tell him that I always wanted to kiss him but I didn't know what that would mean, what would happen.  And I want to kiss him now.  He's only inches away.  I can feel the heat from his body, radiating toward me, pulling me in.

This isn't fair on either of us.

His voice is tired. "Goodnight, Nova." And he turns over, his body becoming a dark, faceless shadow.