Old Feelings: Chapter Four

Warning: 18+ readers only; this blog is dark and full of terrors!

Acacia

The sun peeks through a small gap in the curtains, forming a weird heart shape on the wall.  I focus on it as I come around from one the soundest nights of sleep I've had since I was a kid.  My dreams are still fuzzy, still mingling with the reality of last night, but only one thing stands out.

Nova...

A lightness comes over my whole body, remembering he slept by my side all night.  I swear I can still feel him next to me but as I turn over, I'm greeted by an empty bed.  Did I dream that part too..?

I sit up, feeling the Nova-less but slept-in spot as if to double check he's not there.  There's a note placed on the pillow and I inwardly laugh at the cliche of it all.

Sorry, I had to leave before you woke up.  Please call me - and his number scrawled at the bottom.  I run my fingers over the lettering.  His writing has gotten so much better.

It takes every ounce of strength to drag myself out of bed and feed Milo - who constantly circles me until his bowl is placed on the floor.  Who knew getting a good night's sleep would leave me so drained?

I don't want to go to classes today.

I don't want to do anything.

The thought of seeing Nova again both terrifies and brings a feeling of elatedness in me.  But I know I shouldn't see him again.

I'm going back in time and I can't seem to stop myself.

There were many times when we were young that I knew for definite that I liked Nova as more than a friend.  I don't even know when it started, or when I first became aware of it.  I do however remember learning it wasn't right to feel like that.

It was Sunday and my mother had just driven us both back from church.  As always, I hadn't listened to a word that was said, but mum asked me over tea and cake - as she always would - what I'd thought about the sermon and so on.  I was maybe eleven or twelve or something, so I just nodded and told her I found it interesting.  She then asked me, "Is there anything you'd like to ask me about it?"

I said no, but that there were other questions I wanted to ask.

"Can boys like boys like how mums and dads like each other?"

I feel embarrassed when I think about it now because it sounds like such a dumb thing to say.  Her face went white and she took a long time to answer.

"They can..." she'd said, slowly and deliberately.  "But they shouldn't.  Much like how a man can - and can want to - kill someone, but it's very very wrong to do so and to act on those feelings."

Being so young, this definitely put the fear in me.  "Okay..."

She then got off her chair and kneeled in front of me on the floor.  Putting her hands on my shoulders, she stared at my face and said, "So if you ever feel like... you like other boys... you have to stop feeling like that.  Because it's as bad as wanting to murder someone.  Remember, God doesn't love murderers."

I nodded, and she smiled, patting my hair - which was already growing out long - and that was that.  I started to pay attention to church afterwards, listening out for anything about the subject, but nothing was ever said.

And so I pushed all my feelings back, as much as I could.  But as I got older and entered high school, it became more and more difficult to do so.  I would go so far to avoid the changing rooms after PE, and would wait until I got home to shower.  Luckily, I rarely broke a sweat so it didn't cause that much of a problem, but it didn't stop the feelings.

Eventually, Nova had to ask me.  "Why do you skip out on showers after PE?  You're in and out of there faster than I can even get my kit off."

How could I tell him that was the very reason why?  Of course, I'd see Nova many times in his underwear before we hit puberty, but it was different once we turned fourteen.  It would be easy to hide my blushed and coquettish glances from him - he was so clueless - but it would take only one boy to notice and that would be it, my life would be over.

"I just... hate it in there.  You know the other guys would pick on me..."

"Not if I'm around, they won't!" Nova said, looking proud of himself for being all of an inch taller than me.  Of course, I was just a skinny, effeminate little thing compared to him; even without the height difference we have now, he was already more of a man than I was in a lot of ways.  And I highly doubted he'd ever asked his mother about boys liking other boys.

I managed to convince him to not bring it up again.  And we avoided any conversation that would implicate me getting naked in front of him.

But that would never be the end of it.

It was a week before the Easter holidays.  I had been excused from class to go use the toilet.  To be honest, I was terrified of it in there.  I knew the rougher kids would skip class all the time to smoke in there and I would usually wait until break times so Nova would be close by in case anything happened.  I should have relied less on him back then.  Maybe I wouldn't have been seen as such a weak target if I had.

I'd been recovering from the flu and had been drinking three times as much water as normal - on strict instructions from my mum - so I really couldn't wait until school was over to use the bathroom.  And luckily when I got there, all the stalls were empty and there was no one to be found.

I hurried my business, washed my hands, and headed toward the door to get back to class.  But my luck ran out pretty quick.

Gary and his two drones fell through the door laughing at something one of them had said but then they saw me.  I thought maybe if I just ignored them and walked past them they wouldn't even bother me.  But I was wrong.

"Woah, what's this here!" Gary said, walking toward me.  I found myself backing away to keep a distance between us, but he sharply closed in.  "Looks like November's left his little lap dog unattended."

One of the drones laughed, pushing his way next to Gary.  "You're in the wrong place, Acacia. The girl's toilets are down the corridor."

It didn't really bother me what they were saying - it wasn't anything they hadn't said before - but now it was just the four of us and it was very unlikely there would be any teachers or other students around to hear what might happen.

"You know, we should really return it to its owner," Gary said, a sick smile crossing his lips.  "But first, you know..."  He was looking me up and down with a curious look on his face.  "Is it a girl or a boy?"

The other two snickered as Gary moved towards me.

"Maybe I should check!" he said, grabbing my shoulders and pinning me against the wall.

I could hear the laughs of the others fade, turning more nervous.  "Gary, let's get back to class," one of them said.

But Gary wasn't even paying attention.  I couldn't even move as his hands touched all over me like he was frisking me. I shut my eyes tightly, trying to not cry.

"Aw, come on, Acacia," he said, in a low voice.  "Don't pretend you're not enjoying this, you little fag."

"This is so fucked up," someone said.  They were pulling Gary away.  "Come on."

I could hear Gary chuckling as he and his friends left, but I didn't open my eyes until I was sure they were completely gone.

And I just went back to class and pretended it never happened.  On my way back to class, I managed to somewhat convince myself it had just been a really bad daydream.

And then, that day happened.  The day I wish hadn't.

It was so stupid of me to bring it up.  Nova obviously hadn't heard about the incident in the toilets - I sure as hell wasn't going to tell him, but thinking back, I probably should have - or if he had, he didn't make any indication of it.  We were walking home as normal, but something had been taken from me that day.  I knew Nova could tell I wasn't myself anymore.  He didn't know what was going on in my head, but he knew something was...different.

I wish I'd told him what had happened instead of what I was feeling.  Things would be so different now if I had.  We would never have kissed, and I would never have been dragged into an alleyway and left broken.  We would have gone home together as normal, played video games as normal.

But I knew I would never be normal.

My mum had stayed at my bedside the whole time I was unconscious.  But when I came to, I could see disappointment and upset in her eyes.

The doctor had told her what happened.  She begged me to tell who had done something so horrendous to me, but I told her I couldn't remember.  She'd been warned already that my memory could be impaired and that I was just lucky to survive without the risk of brain damage.

To be honest, I don't think Gary's drones had wanted to do what they did to me;  hold me down while Gary punched me and kept punching until I couldn't even see him anymore.  And I don't think they stuck around after that to see what else Gary did to me.  In fact, it was probably them that called the ambulance.

But that doesn't even matter because they got away with it.  And now I have to live with what Gary did to me forever.

I'm staring at my phone, Nova's number up on the screen, and I'm willing myself to press the Call button.

I don't even know what I'm going to say to him.  I turn his note over and over again, checking to make sure there's nothing else, like Don't actually call me, I was just saying that or Like, only call in an emergency.

I turn my phone off and place it on my desk.

He'll never feel the same as I do.

Nova

The day passes slower than any other day I've ever encountered, and I've not stopped thinking about Cass the entire time.  When I think of what that bastard did to him, I feel an animosity, unlike anything I've ever felt.  But then I see his face, soft and delicate, flushed with dewy eyelashes, and it makes me melt like nothing else.  I check my phone as I walk towards the car park, my heart dropping when I see no messages.

As I step into my car, I can't bear to turn on the engine.  I don't want to go back home, or to see my mum.  Worry seizes my body.  Is he okay?

Notions of Cass, face down in a blood fill bathtub or hanging from the bannister assault my imagination.

Even though I know I'm completely overreacting, and speeding over there wouldn't make a difference anyway, I pull out of the car park and race towards Cass's house as swiftly as I can.  The urgency I feel to protect him suppresses any lucid thought that might cruise my mind.  I feel like I'm fifteen again, and I have the chance to go to him, stop him from running away from me, to change everything that's happened.  I think of all the times I sheltered him in school, from the vultures who wanted to harm and torment him, to tear his beauty away from him.  And in the end, I never really succeeded.  But I need to succeed now.  Only... This time, I'm trying to protect him from himself.

As I roll up to the complex, I can see straight away that there's a light on.  Relief sails over me when I see a flicker of movement from behind closed curtains and I consider driving away now I know he's okay.

But I just can't.

I remember last night, that feeling of him drawing me in, taking me back.  I want to be like that again.  I need to be close to him.

Abruptly, I'm choked with the realisation that all my memories of Cass are...dishonest.  Even as I stare blindly at the steering wheel, I'm reminded of all the times he took care of me after I'd been hurt because of something dumb we'd done, or how I would have fought anyone who even looked at him the wrong way.  I always chose Cass, never wanting to go out with girls or play football with the other guys.  Cass was my only concern, all I cared about.  I blamed the kiss on our boundless friendship, and indulgence, and fear.  And now I remember that day clearer than I ever have.

It hadn't been a case of something happening in the moment at all.  It had been building up since we were aware of what attraction was.  And when he came close to me and I really looked at him and felt that devotion, the predilection, kissing him was the only thing I could have done.  

Without thinking, I let my head fall in dejection, hitting it on the steering wheel.  The horn toots loudly and I sit up with a start.

Shit.

I look towards Cass's window and see the curtain move aside.  His face stares out at the car for what feels like minutes before moving away again.  I inwardly chastise myself for being such an idiot.

His front door opens and I watch him step out, looking unkempt in an oversized t-shirt and skinny jeans, his hair ruffled and loose and falling at his shoulders, wind-swept and untidy and utterly fascinating.  He just stands there, his arm holding the door open.  It takes for him to let a tender smile adorn his lips before I feel myself being almost dragged from the car by a great force.

I pull him into me, saying nothing, holding him against me.  His arms reach around my back and I kiss the side of his head.

We stay like this for a minute before Cass gently pushes me away.  "You shouldn't have come over."

I feel his words crush me.  "Why?"  

"Things are...different now.  We can't just go back to how things were."  He looks away like looking at me hurts him.  "I don't need you to take care of me."

"I'm not here to take care of you."  My voice cracks.  "I'm here because -"

"You want to change the past?" he says softly.

"There are things..." I pause, exhaling.  "I should have done differently."

"It doesn't matter now."  Cass puts a hand on my arm.

I look around for anyone who might be watching.  The street is completely empty.  I watch his eyes as they do the same.

I've always thought that I couldn't change the past, or what happened.  I can only try and fix what I broke in the first place.

My hand finds his neck and his eyes dart back to me.  He lets me pull him close.

"Stop pretending like you stopped feeling that way."

"I'm not pretending," he says almost in a whisper.

His face is so close I can feel his shaking breaths.  "Then push me away. ...If you don't want me to kiss you, push me away. Tell me not to and I won't."

Cass closes his eyes, his voice the weakest sigh.  "Nova..."

"Why are you fighting this?"