Old Feelings: Chapter One

Warning: 18+ readers only; this blog is dark and full of terrors!

(Language & scenes of a disturbing nature!  Do not read if easily upset!)

NOVA

I don't think I'll ever be okay with what happened with Cass.

We were so close, him and me.  We'd grown up together, watching Dexter's Laboratory while our mothers drank tea and spoke about us like we weren't there.

As we got older, we stopped watching cartoons so much (we were too grown up for that) and instead we would ride our bikes around town in search of mischief; prank calls from the phone box, chappy on the neighbours' doors, fishing for newts down at the rock pool, or just seeing how high the swings at the park would take us, until someone would go home with a bloody knee or nose.  We were just normal kids, close like brothers.  Our mums would call us Cass-n-Nova as a joke but we didn't get it back then, of course.

Our mothers met at the daycare center and had immediately bonded, shunned by the other mothers for being under twenty and single.  Cass' dad was long gone, left back in Ireland; his mother's college teacher, a married man much older than her and not prepared to take responsibility.  I was lucky enough to grow up knowing my dad, even if I only saw him on the weekends.

We were like a little family, the four of us.  Until that day.

It was the third of May, five years ago, when everything changed.  We were both fifteen - my birthday had just passed, making me a few months younger than him - and we were walking home after the last day of school before Easter break.  We had this route that was usually really quiet.  It was the longest imaginable way but we always had something great to talk about and it never seemed like we had enough time.

But this day, Cass looked serious.

"Nova, do you ever think... like... something is different inside you?"

"Yeah, you and me are as fucking special as they come," I said, chuckling and pushing him playfully.

Cass smirked and shoved me back.  "No, I mean it.  Like... something isn't right.  Like you're not how people think you are?"

"Not really, why?"

We turned into the alleyway that lead the way through a small cul-de-sac.  For most people who used it, it was a short cut.  For Cass, it really wasn't.  It lead more to my house than his, which was another ten minute walk in the opposite direction.  

"I just... nevermind."  He looked and sounded defeated.  We were walking really slowly by this point.  Slower than usual.

His eyes were on the ground.  He sighed.

"What's wrong?"  I put my hand on his arm, both of us stopping in the middle of the alleyway.  "What's this about?"  

He turned to face me, looking up at me.  He was only a little shorter than me then (I had yet to hit the legendary growth spurt that would cause me to stretch up another six inches).

"Have you ever kissed anyone before?"

I was immediately alarmed.  It was such a strange question.  "Cass, if I had, you would know."

In truth, most girls completely avoided us because we were always together.  And honestly, I don't think many of them were into Cass.  He was short, quiet and girly, and probably prettier than a lot of them.  He kept his hair long and it fell in inky tresses around his neck, and his eyelashes fluttered when he blinked.  As for me, a lot of girls seemed to like me, but they all seemed so mundane and pointless.  But I was only fifteen;  there was plenty of time for all that later.

"Yeah, I know, but I just figured..."  He looked to the ground again.  "It's not something we really talk about, is it?"

"No, but... because there's usually nothing to talk about."  I noticed a blush cross his face.  "Have you?"

"No! No... Of course not."  He wouldn't look at me.  "I just... I think I like someone."

My eyes widened.  Cass?  Liking someone?  It seemed absurd to me.  I didn't even think he spoke to anyone else, never mind finding time to develope a crush.  "Really?  Who?"

"It doesn't really matter, it's not like they'll ever like me back so," he said, looking everywhere around the alley.  "C'mon, let's keep walking."

I frowned.  There was something about the whole idea that didn't sit well with me.  Who was this girl?  How had she infiltrated our little twosome?  When?  It was always just him and me.  Cass-n-Nova.  Not Cass-n-some-random-bitch-n-Nova.  In the two seconds between Cass turning to walk and me grabbing his arm again to pull him back, an unreasonable amount of rage had started to form in my stomach.  "No, I want to know who it is."

"Nova, please --"

"You can't just tell me you like someone and then not tell me who it is."

"Why are you so angry?"

"I'm NOT,"  I near yelled at him before cooling it.  "I'm just curious, s'all."

He was staring at me, probably thinking I'd gone crazy.  We didn't really get mad at each other, but something about this didn't feel good.

"Is it Marie?  You sit next to her in Maths, right?"

Yeah, Marie! It had to be Marie.  They were always having to share a textbook because she kept forgetting hers, the dozy cow.

"No --"

"Oh, or Leslie?  I've seen her looking at you in gym."  This wasn't a lie.  I really had caught Leslie staring at him in gym, but I think it was more in jealousy than anything else.  I would overhear a lot of the girls commenting on Cass' "perfect bone structure" on more than one occasion.

"Look, Nova, it's not --"

"Well, who then?"  I felt like we were having an argument.  It was mostly just me, but in my opinion at the time, Cass had started this and Cass should finish it.

"It's not any of the girls at our school, okay?!"  Cass shut his eyes, his voice only slightly raised, with a tone of irritation.  

"Is it someone from Heartwood then?  Because those girls are way too --"

Before I knew what was really happening - or rather, before I could react or possibly stop it - Cass was pulling me towards him, his hands grabbing the collar of my school blazer.  Our faces stopped just millimetres apart from each other.  It wasn't the first time our faces had been so close, but this time made my heart beat a bit faster than usual.

"It's not any of the girls in our school," Cass said in the quietest whisper.  "Okay?"

"Okay..."

I felt his grip on my collar slacken and he started to push me gently, creating a polite distance between us again.  But I didn't want him to.  I didn't really know what that meant, but all I could think about was Cass being that close to me, and how pretty he was with his long hair and his bone structure and his dark fluttery eyes.  He let me put my hands on his neck, his gaze meeting mine only briefly before I pulled him into me, our lips clashing a little clumsily.  We both had a vague idea what we were supposed to do, but it seemed so much harder in practice than seeing it on the TV.  But it didn't matter because even before we could try opening our mouths, Cass started pulling away.

"I... I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..."  He backed away from me.  "I'm sorry!"

And then he started to run, back along where we'd walked.

I didn't chase after him.

I should have.

It was the last time I saw him.  The next day, I had tried to ring his house but no one answered.  I even asked my mum if she had spoken to his mum (I was terrified she'd find out I'd kissed a boy, and Cass of all people) but she only shook her head.

Nearly a week passed before the phone stopped ringing out and stopped ringing at all.  I asked my mum again.

"Has Matty really not spoken to you?"  I said, referring to Cass' mum by her first name like I usually did.  She always preferred it.  Cass only ever called my mum 'Miss Rivers' which made her feel both old (even though she was only thirty-two) and respected.

"I think it's time I put you out of your misery," my mum said, sighing before sitting down at the breakfast bar.  "Park it."

I pulled myself up next to her in silence.

"Something...happened to Cass on the last day of school."

My brain froze, going through all the worst possible scenarios.  All my organs started reacting in different ways, but it all lead to one thing; extreme panic.

"What?  What happened?  Is he okay?"  My voice was shaking along with my body.

"I... he's fine," she looked away from me.  "He's out of hospital."

My heart could have broke through my ribs, I swear.  "What?  Hospital?  Mum!  What happened?  How can you be so calm about this?"

"Sweetie, he's fine."

"I need to see him, I need to go.  Now.  We need to go see him!"

"No, sweetie.  He's isn't in Hartling."

"What do you mean?"

I could almost see tears in my mum's eyes.  I'd never seen her like this.  "They've gone to Belfast."

"Well, when will they be back?  I need to call him!"

"Oh, sweetie, how can I say this..."  She shut her eyes.  "They've moved to live with Matty's parents.  They're not coming back."

No, that couldn't be right.  Why would Cass not tell me?  Why wasn't he at least calling to tell me what happened?

"But --"

"Cass... doesn't want to speak to you, sweetie.  I'm sorry."

I still remember the pain in my chest, the breaking of my heart.  I wanted to be sick.  I held it back.  "W...what?"

Mum told me everything she knew and I filled in the gaps.

Before Cass got home, a bunch of boys - the police suspected they were from our school, but Cass didn't see any of their faces - had cornered him in an alleyway nearer his home and had battered him.  They hadn't had any heavy weapons but they still did a lot of damage, mostly to the left side of his face.  There didn't seem to be a motive, and since Cass couldn't remember anything, there wasn't much to go on.  All I knew was, had I just gone after him, it probably wouldn't have happened.

At school, there was a lot of rumours.  My favourite one was that Cass had actually been in a secret gang and he hadn't followed through with a drug trade.  People were laughing about it and all I could think was he could have died and it was my fault.

After a few days, everyone seemed to have forgotten the whole thing, like Cass was never there.  But I could sense it.  Someone knew more than they were letting on.

One day, about two weeks after school had started up again, I was leaving the locker room after gym class.  I guess everyone thought I was out of ear shot, but I overheard everything they said.

"You know what rumour I heard about Acacia?"

"Another one?

"Come on, no one even cares anymore."

"No no, you're gonna wanna hear this, guys..."

A pause.

"So, this guy from our year - I won't say who - was late coming out of school so he decided to take the short cut to the estate, you know the one?"

A few hums of agreement.

"Well, when he turned in to the alley, he saw Acacia and another guy kissing!"

Numerous gasps or disbelief and amazement.  My heart sank in fear.  Shit.

"It's true, it's true!  Anyway, so the guy, he goes to his friend's house and tells him what he's just seen.  They're both pretty mad, and quickly they leave and go on a hunt... They find Acacia, nearly at his house and..."

I knew the rest.  I turned back in, bursting through the door.  "You're all talking a load of shit."

Gary, the storyteller, looked at me like he knew I'd been there the whole time.  "C'mon, Nova, you must have known Acacia was a bit gay, especially with the way he was always following you around."

"Cass isn't gay, okay?"  I said through gritted teeth.  "So stop with your stupid story."

Ollie, another one of the boys, chimed in.  "Thou dost protest too much!"

"None of you know anything, so shut the fuck up!"

Gary strutted over to me, like a bird about to fight.  "You seem to know everything, so why don't you tell us?"

"I don't --"

"Oh, so, was it you he was kissing?"

The boys laugh sheepishly.  Gary wasn't any smaller than me, but they all knew I could kick his ass.

"He wasn't kissing any boys, you got it?"

Gary laughed.  "Got it."

I sneered at him before turning around to leave again.

"Say hey to your boyfriend for me."

I almost went back to deck him, but I didn't.  He wasn't worth getting suspended over.  Instead I just glared back at him and left.

That was the last anyone heard about Cass.  After that, no one spoke about him and people really did forget about him.  I stopped even trying to pretend he would come back because I knew he wouldn't.  I even dated a few of the girls I knew had had their eyes on me.  By the time I finished school in 2013 I'd had two girlfriends and lost my virginity.

But not once did I stop thinking about Cass.  In fact, by the time I did stop thinking about Cass, fate had other plans.

I really hate my name.  Who calls their kid November Rivers?  It's the kind of name that an erotic novelist would have as their pseudonym.  Or worse, the kind of name that an erotic novelist would use for their heroine.

I hate it the most at college, when the lecturer calls me out.

"And what is your opinion, November?"

None of the other students are even paying attention.  "Uhh... Well..." I look down at my laptop screen, my notes titled 'Does the author succeed in portraying Geisha in the 20th century as artisans and entertainers rather than prostitutes?'

"Well, I think... I think it's obvious... uhh... going by the narrative that... well, there was other women who were prostitutes that cost a lot less and uhh... they didn't really, you know..."

"Okay, November, I think that's enough."

As soon as her attention is on something else, I let my head fall on my desk.  Who the hell chooses this crap to study in college?

The class hasn't even officially started yet.  Only a few of us are here - the early birds - but the lecturer does this every time.  I think she just likes addressing a huge room with her little microphoned pedestal thing. 

The lecture room is huge considering the amount of students who show up.  It could easily hold up to maybe two hundred students but there's only about fifty who are in this class.

It's an advanced History and Culture in Literature class, and you have to have insane grades to get in.  I was always really interested in history and discussing it so it wasn't really a surprise to anyone that I made it.

Today I decided to sit a little further back than usual, mostly because I didn't read the whole book we were meant to have, and I'm totally winging the essay we were supposed to write. It doesn't help that this novel in question is really inaccurate.  Maybe it's supposed to be ironic that we're studying it.

As this thought crosses my mind, I glance across the room to see the teacher chatting to a student who I'm pretty sure I haven't seen here before.  I can't really hear what they're saying, but the student nods as the teacher gestures towards the tier benches.

The student turns and starts walking to the bench in front of me.  That face...

I'm not immediately sure of gender.  Black hair in a messy bun, a long grey sweater and red leggings tucked inside suede snow boots. Black and red headphones hang on their neck.  I stare at the face a little harder than I probably should, my heart racing with the familiarity of it.  Only it's like a grown up version of familiarity.  Dark eyes, fluttering lashes, perfect bone structure.

They sit right directly in front of me, pulling a laptop from their rucksack.   They immediately open up some voice recording programme. 

I stare at the back of their neck, the odd strand of hair falling from the messy bun.  I spot a small mole just above the collar of the sweater that makes my face burn.

Cass..?

ACACIA

My suspicions are confirmed as soon as I turn down the hall, before I can even place my headphones over my ears to block the world out.

"Cass! Cass!"

I recognise Nova's voice immediately.  Huh.  It's barely changed in five years.

I'd felt his eyes burning a hole in the back of my neck for the whole lecture.  I didn't think he'd have the nerve to actually flag me down in the hall.

I don't turn when he eventually catches up.

"Acacia!"

I knew it was a bad idea to come back.

My legs keep moving forward in quick strides, causing him to try and run alongside me.

"You... you're back!" he says, breathlessly.

No shit...  "Yeah."

I really don't want to walk with him.  I try to walk in the direction of the back door.

"Why..?"

I turn to him finally and he stops.  I stare up at him.

"No one asked you to talk to me, November."

The use of his name clearly stings as he visibly winces.  "No, that's not what I meant."  He's still out of breath.  You'd think with those long legs he's acquired since I last saw him he'd be a little more athletic.

For five years I've been trying to forget his face, and yet here it is; staring back at me like in my dreams, only older and better.  Like it's in high definition.  The same wavy brown hair, only longer.  The same big eyes, only deeper, like they've experienced more.  Seen more.  They'll never see as much as I have. 

"Cass, what happened?"

It's such a vague question.  What did happen?

There's loads of students walking past us and we're just standing staring at each other.  I can't do this right now.

I don't say anything.  My silence says enough.  I move to walk past him, but he catches my arm with a surprising amount of strength, throwing me off balance as my bag falls off my shoulder.

"Don't touch me!" my mouth cries without warning as I pull my arm back.  A few people in the hall stop for a second, glancing at us in alarm.

Nova's face turns red as his eyes dart around.  He looks as confused as he does concerned.  It makes me hate him.  "I'm not going to hurt you..."

I sweep my fringe out of my face and his gaze falls on the pale eye for a second.  

"You already have," I whisper at him with a scowl.  I can feel my own cheeks burn with a mixture of anger, embarrassment and frustration.  My hands are shaking.  I pick my bag up from the ground as my throat starts aching.  This wasn't supposed to happen today.  But really, what did I expect?

I manage to get away from him long enough to get outside and down into the empty courtyard.  The cool spring air hits my face and I take a deep breath.  I can't cry.  Not today.  Not in front of him.  I start walking up past the Psychology building, towards the car park.

I'm only free from him for a moment before I hear his voice behind me.

"Please, stop --"

"This is the wrong time to come running after me."  

I didn't realise I blamed him this much, or that it would be so painful to see him again.  He's both the same and completely different.

I feel his hand on my shoulder but this time I don't have the energy to pull away.

"Acacia..."  Hearing my name like that in Nova's voice feels so weird, too familiar but too distant.  I turn around again.  He's significantly taller than me now and it's not as easy as it once was to share eye contact.  "What happened?"  His voice is soft, with that same husky quality it always had, only a little deeper now.  And he's looking at me the same way he looked at me that day, before he kissed me; eyes full of intent and confused longing.

I can't hold that gaze, with those eyes... dark and mesmerising and the colour of the ocean at night.  It's like standing by a sinkhole, vertigo taking over, sucking you in.

My heart is going back, but too far back.  Before the bad things happened.  Just to that moment...

I look away.  "If you hadn't... kissed me --"

His eyes open wider.  "What?!  You wanted me to kiss you!"  His voice is laced only lightly with anger, like he's trying to not be.  "You...you were the one who pulled me close like that --"

"I wouldn't have, if you hadn't got so mad!"

"If you hadn't brought up your stupid crush in the first place, I wouldn't have got mad!"

"Don't blame me for your hotheadedness!"  I sigh loudly, frustrated.  "God, I shouldn't have even told you!"

The argument is five years overdue but we're talking like it only happened yesterday.

"Why even tell me then?  Why even hint at it?  If you didn't want me to kiss you!"  His arms are crossed like an angry child and his chin is jutting forward.

The kiss wasn't exactly what I had planned that day.  I definitely hadn't expected him to kiss me.

"Because clearly I'm an idiot for telling you," I hiss at him.  "And for liking you."

His face softens and he relaxes his arms.  We look at each other in silence for what feels like forever.

"Nova..." I barely say.  "After what they did..."

"What?  What did they do?"  His voice is strained, still frustrated.

Now it's my turn to look confused.  "Didn't anyone tell you what happened?"

Did nobody tell you what they did to me..?

"Not really!"  His voice falls through gritted teeth.  He looks like he wants to shake me.  "All I got told was that you got jumped, half blinded, run off to Ireland, and never wanted to hear from me again!"

All those things were true.  But that wasn't all of it.

He's holding back.  I can tell.  Even after five years, I can still tell.

"And what else do you know?"

For the first time since we got outside, he breaks his stare.  He looks around at nearly everything but me.

"I heard... a rumour."

"And?"

"A kid in our class... saw you and me... and that's why you got jumped." 

I can feel the tears brewing again, the ache even worse now.  I can't let them go.  Of course, I knew this already.  I knew that's why they did it.  But it still hurts.  "You can put the rest together yourself."

I need to get out of his sight before I can't hold back.  I haven't cried about this in five years and I can't let it happen now, especially in front of him.

As I walk past him, he doesn't try to stop me this time and instead lets me walk across the car park and towards the main street.

He can't ever put the story together himself.  He won't ever know the pain and humiliation of being dragged into the alley right next to his own home, burned with cigarettes and cut with blades.  He won't ever hear Gary's disgusting voice in his nightmares, threatening to carve 'fag' on his chest.  He won't remember the pain of being punched so hard and frequently that he'll never see half the world again... He'll never know the feeling of stripped clothes and stripped dignity, the pain of dry penetration, or the dull tearing of skin.  

And he can never know what happened to me.  Because if he knew, then he'd really blame himself.  He would look at me like he owed me something, because it's his fault.  But it's not his fault at all.

It's mine.